From the headlines to the breadlines

Everyone loves a rags to riches story. You know the drill - poor boy makes good, girl from the wrong side of the tracks lands preppy boyfriend. There's a whole Hollywood sub-genre dedicated to these kinds of stories. But let's be honest - we also love those spectacular falls from grace. Because we love to wonder, how do you return to the way things were once you've had a taste of the good life?

Mel B, who after a recent exercise regime seems to have morphed into Wesley Snipes in a bad weave, is currently revisiting her roots in Leeds, where she's living in a rundown terraced house. But don't worry about Scary, this isn't a result of the Spice Girls' catastrophic comeback cock-up, it's for a new reality show called 7 Days On The Breadline.

Dressed in a shabby green tracksuit with a face like thunder (so no change there), Mel has kept herself busy by visiting the laundromat and picking up benefits from the post office. Other 'celebrities' lined up to appear in the series include Trinny Woodall and Keith Allen - as if their poverty stricken neighbours haven't suffered enough already.

Sadly, not all celebrities get to finish their stint in the poorhouse then head back to their en-suites and private pools. For a select few, those miserable queues outside the Job Centre are drawing inexorably closer. And given her current state of affairs, Kerry Katona will be joining them before too long.

The latest from the world's most dysfunctional non-cartoon family is that Kerry's financial stability is hanging by a Turkey Twizzler. Of course, it doesn't help that her malignant growth of a husband has been steadily syphoning off the cash to buy flash cars and set up a string of dodgy sounding businesses. More disturbingly, Kerry now believes that Mark was even responsible for the cocaine sting that saw her ravenous drug consumption exposed on the front pages of all the tabloids.

Obviously, this level of distrust in a marriage is unhealthy, but Kerry continues to avoid relationship advice as if it was a plate of fresh vegetables. With the bailiffs now hovering, reports have alleged that Kerry has since shut herself in the attic like a latter-day Mrs Rochester.

But fear not, because hubby Mark has a plan to solve all of Kerry's financial woes. He's heard about how much money was coined in by videos of Paris Hilton and Abi Titmuss in a state of 'congress' and figures that there's a cool half-million to be made. The only flaw in his plan is that the release of Mark and Kerry sex-tape would trigger a nationwide epidemic of instantaneous blindness worthy of a Triffid invasion.

Now, is anyone else suddenly considering a whip-round to help Kerry get back on her feet?

Iceland hates snow

With her money-making opportunities continuing to dwindle, Kerry Katona must be kicking herself with a turkey drummer tonight, as it emerges that Iceland has finally said 'enough is enough' and dropped her as its official spokesmess.

This latest disappointment comes off the back of News Of The World's shocking revelations about Kerry's continued drug use, and I'm not referring to her bi-polar medication. It emerged this weekend that Kerry's appetite for kebabs and £1 pizzas is rivaled only by her appetite for cocaine. She was filmed in her bathroom snorting a big fat line, as her kids were playing downstairs with the nanny.

As a result, Iceland has decided to cut its losses and ditch the drug-addled dosser from its depressing ad campaign. In a statement, the frozen-food pushing supermarket chain said "We have always stood by her, as an example of a normal person and mum who has experienced some of the modern day culture of fame, and how difficult it can be to deal with. However, following the most recent allegations, we feel it is impossible for Kerry to continue to work with us as one of the faces of Iceland advertising."

Somehow, Kerry has finally managed to piss off her employers, after years of trying to prove what an unsuitable role model she was for anyone with a functioning brainstem. The alcohol abuse, the rehab, the plastic surgery and the marriage to a man who made Kevin Federline look like a catch, were all excusable indiscretions. But this was clearly a snort too far for the powers that be at Iceland's head office.

So what will Kerry do now? Having just put on two stones in weight purely so she could sell the story to the glossy magazines, Warrington's finest is clearly running out of ideas, and unwilling to help herself. According to friends who don't know the first thing about inappropriately chosen words, Kerry is convinced "that this will all blow over."

But this is nothing new, since even Kerry's own mother has expressed concern (in exchange for payment) that her daughter's self-esteem is non-existent. Criticising her no-good son-in-law, Sue Katona said "He [Mark] told her he was just messing about, but anyone with half a brain can see that if those girls were up for sleeping with him, he would have done it." Sadly, it seems that when it comes to her daughter, Sue isn't particularly good with fractions.

What's the problem (as if you need to ask)?

Something lighter now, after yesterday's rather po-faced installment. It's been reported today that MTV has finally admitted what we've known all along, no-one really cares about Kerry Katona anymore. Despite her best attempts to lead a compellingly chaotic life, the viewers have been switching off in droves.

Having singlehandedly created the reality TV sub-genre of carcrash-o-vision, where she could regularly command audiences of 500,000 stoned rubberneckers, it seems she's fallen on hard times with viewing figures dropping to a paltry 19,000. 'What's The Problem?' has been following Katona's life with bipolar disorder and a husband who, if he was a dog, would have been neutered long ago. But with audiences lower than Kerry's self-esteem, the show has finally been axed.

According to a show insider, "People already knew half the stuff in the show as it had been in the papers. So when you were watching her split from Mark, you knew they were going to get back together."

Poor, stupid, human airbag Kerry. She was so keen to sell her stories to the papers, that she forgot she was effectively creating spoilers for the show. Even the most tedious, idiotic soap operas understand the need to keep their plot twists under wraps, but not Kerry. As a consequence, it was a little like giving away free MP3s and then asking people to buy the album.

At least she's still got those classy Iceland ads to keep her and the kids in E-numbers, not to mention a life partner who makes Fred West look like husband-of-the-year material.

But just in case anyone starts feeling withdrawal symptoms when Kerry finally vacates the airwaves, I can highly recommend ICT celebrity news. Seemingly using some kind of automated translation software to covert stories into foreign languages, and then back to English again, the website's coverage inadvertantly manages to capture the inane surrealism of Kerry's life. Here's how they reported Kerry and Mark's third split this year (weirdly listed under 'politics'):

"...But Katona, who mated Croft on Valentine’s Day digit eld past and has digit kids with him, was trusty she would be splitting up with him again. The stylish rift comes after the grapheme claimed her bi-polar drug had undone her figure.
“I’ve place on digit stone, I’m so fat. It’s the drug that puts coefficient on, so there’s not a aggregation I crapper do,” the Sun quoted her as saying.
Despite hiring a individualized simulator to support her drop weight, Katona said that Croft likeable her figure."

Is Stanley Unwin working the news desk these days?

Are we sure they're related?

Kerry Katona must be furious. After all, her own (estranged) flesh-and-blood have put the mockers on her plans for a tearful family reunion.

It turns out that the death of her (also estranged) father led to the discovery of a whole host of new relatives to parade in front of MTV's all-too-eager camera crew. Presumably, now that she's taken back Mark, Kerry's recently announced series about her imminent divorce has had to be pulled. So she needs another area of her disastrous existence to capture on video instead. But when Kerry set up the meeting with her new-found family, they objected to the fact that she wanted it all capturing for her next TV series. Imagine that - someone that shares Kerry's genetic code objected to having an important moment in their life turned into disposable celebutainment.

Apparently, the meeting went well and the family plan to catch up again soon. Which means we'll probably never hear about them again. After all, the cameras are only ever interested if things are going wrong, and in these terms, Kerry Katona is like ground zero. If an unfortunate life is considered a car crash, Kerry Katona's is a 14-car motorway pile-up involving a school bus full of orphans and a tanker full of toxic waste. And we're the rubberneckers slowing down to view the carnage.