Katie has a Price on her head

Desperation is an ugly thing. And no-one does ugly quite like PopVulture regular Katie Price. Incapable of just concentrating on the many pies she currently has her acrylic nails in, Katie is waging a one-woman war on worthwhile journalism by ensuring that her every appearance, utterance and ablution is covered in forensic detail.

The latest fictional update from the imaginary world of Jordan is probably the most disturbing yet. The Daily Star has reported today that Katie has been 'informed' that she is being targeted for kidnapping by Russian gangsters. It seems these nefarious nogoodniks are planning to snatch the luminescent strumpet when she travels to Marbella to promote her gaudy range of equestrian accessories.

The remarkably well-informed source even knows that the gangsters have been studying photos of Katie's last trip to Ibiza and have smartly concluded that Price spends most of her time in 'easy-to-reach' locations, which could also describe any point on the ex-glamour girl's over-exposed body.

Having accidentally revealed herself as a preying mantis in semi-human form, she's keen to portray herself as a victim. And since Peter Andre is about as threatening as a blind orphan wrapped in damp toilet paper, she needs a more viable threat, hence the introduction of these make-believe mobsters.

The good news is that Katie plans to bring her cage fighter boyfriend Alex Reid along to protect her, and no doubt appear in all manner of spontaneously conceived make-out photo opportunities. It's likely that the UK's magazine reading public will breathe a sigh of relief at that. Meanwhile, her estranged husband Peter is busy spending time with his kids and quietly getting to number four in the charts, despite most record-buyers having fully functioning ears.

Since parting ways with her long-term managers about the same time that she and Pete split, Katie's attempts at generating publicity have become increasingly outlandish. This latest dramatic announcement (after her brush with swine-flu) smacks of another poorly conceived press release - the clue was the carefully worded mention of the KP Equestrian range. And although the avid readers of celebrity magazines will happily swallow any old garbage, let's just hope that they're smart enough to recognise the girl who cried wolf one too many times.