Running out of ideas

Hollywood has never been known for its ability to generate original ideas, preferring instead to take inspiration from other sources and continually recycle and regurgitate its influences. Last year, it was felt that the bottom of the barrel had finally been scraped right through, with the news that several well-loved board games were next in line for the big screen treatment. Coming soon to a megaplex near you - Monopoly, Ouija and Battleship.

However, they sound like Oscar hopefuls compared with the latest well-loved property rumoured to be shuffling in-front of the cameras. Hot on the stacked heels of his remake of Arthur, goggle-eyed dandy Russell Brand is being lined up to star in the remake of BBC kids' comedy Rentaghost.

Described by Warner Bros as a "Beetlejuice-style afterlife feature comedy vehicle", the film will tell the story of the recently deceased Fred Mumford, who sets himself up in a business running a temp agency for the dead.

The original kids show followed the same loose template, although it's not the character of Mumford that most people remember. Instead, it's camp jester Timothy Claypole that seventies kids tend to recall, since he stuck with the show through its entire eight-year run. With his thin beard, annoying manner and form-fitting leggings, Claypole seems a much better match to Brand's distinctive talents than a down-at-heel businessman, but I'm sure the money men know what they're doing. 

So that just leaves us with the question of who else will be recruited to fill out the eclectic cast. Gillian McKeith is a shoo-in for Hazel McWitch (she just needs a tall hat) and Dobbin the Pantomime Horse could  offer up a lucrative new franchise for Sarah Jessica Parker following the demise of Sex and the City. As for the elderly neighbour, Mr Perkins, who's constantly being harassed by the Rentaghost staff, I think it's time for Andrew Sachs to come out of retirement. 

And then there's that memorable song - if U2 can revamp the Mission: Impossible theme, imagine what they could do with "If your mansion house needs haunting, just call... Rentaghost. We've got spooks and ghouls and freaks and fools... at Rentaghost." 

Strangers in the night

Ever since they first burst onto the scene in 2005, the Jonas Brothers have been the puritanical poster boys for pubescent pop-fans. The three siblings, Joe, Kevin and Nick, have made a fairly big deal out of their wholesome, family-friendly image, even winning the scorn of Russell Brand who joked about their pledge to stay virginal.

Their father is a former Assemblies of God pastor, and they were homeschooled by their mother, so it shouldn't really come as a surprise that the boys agreed to wear purity rings as "a promise to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage."

Abstinence is a big deal in the States, despite all the evidence that it actually encourages teenage sexual irresponsibility, rather than curbing it. Even Bristol Palin is coining it in, touring schools and lecturing on 'abstinence, pro-life and womens' issues'. Because, you know, it worked out so well for her.

When oldest brother Kevin got married in December 2009, speculation was rife about how quickly the wedding reception would be wrapped up so that Kevin could finally catch up on what he'd missed out on. Since two of the boys' albums had been titled 'A Little Bit Longer' and 'It's About Time', it seems that they were pretty preoccupied with it too. The wedding planner told press at the time that "Kevin couldn't stop smiling". Hardly surprising, given the circumstances.

Sadly for Kevin and Danielle, things haven't been running too smoothly since they got hitched. According to In Touch Weekly, the newly-weds are already sleeping in separate beds as a consequence of Kevin's nocturnal habits.

Don't worry, there's no sordid secret hiding out in Kevin's closet - he just has a snoring problem. A friend of the couple told the magazine that Danielle “loves her husband, but now she sleeps in a guest room when he gets too noisy. They are still crazy about each other, but the snoring has become a big joke for their friends.”

The magazine's indiscreet informer correctly points out that “Kevin and Danielle had never spent a night together until their wedding night, so she had no clue that he snores so loudly.” Kevin and his siblings were so busy focusing on their protecting their chastity, they overlooked some of the other issues thrown up by 'sleeping together'.

Pots and kettles

Russell Brand must be feeling on top of the world right now. Not only is he busy filming a spin-off from Forgetting Sarah Marshall (reprising his break-out movie role), he's also been been booked to revisit another highlight of his career. MTV recently announced that Russell was going to be asked back to host the Video Music Awards in September.

Despite raising some eyebrows last year by joking about the Jonas Brothers' chastity pledge and tearing into the outgoing president, he was sufficiently popular to be worth a second go. But not everyone's pleased about it.

Piers Morgan, the ex-editor and media whore has told OK! magazine that he thinks Brand is vile and disgusting. Without a trace of irony, the braying talent show judge admitted that he couldn't understand the comedian's appeal or his ambitions for success in the States: "That whole Russell Brand thing, I don't get it. The idea that he is some huge international acting star is ridiculous! He's just a long-haired ex-junkie and shagging addict."

Despite having a face like a shoe box full of broken capillaries, Piers star has enjoyed a similarly perplexing upwards trajectory across the pond simply by tolerating a bunch of unimpressive variety acts. So it's funny that he'd attack a target so close to home. You know what they say about people in glass houses...

Grief is the new black...

I didn’t intend to be writing about Jade Goody again, especially not in the same week. But I felt the need to comment on some people’s reaction to her passing.
First up to bat is Katie Price, a woman who could give a flesh-eating disease lessons on how to be a parasite. No doubt unhappy that Jade’s front-page death-throes relegated her from the cover of OK magazine for a month, she’s doing some very public grieving for her brave friend. No doubt keen to stake her claim as ‘our girl’ in the magazine, Katie has spoken out about creating some kind of legacy for Jade, in honour of her brave battle and the work she did raising awareness of cancer.
It seems that everyone is too polite to bring up the articles Katie wrote (well, spoke into a dictaphone) condemning Jade as a vile racist bully. Or the ones attacking Jade for making her cancer so public. Because if anyone knows about the line of taste that separates one’s public and private life, it’s The Artist Formerly Known as Jordan.

HolyMoly also shared with readers a stunningly awful tribute penned (or finger-painted) by Big Brother winner Craig Philips. In it, he expressed his sadness at Jade’s tragedy, and shared his hopes that other ‘females and males’ (who’s he missing out here – SheMales?) will be more aware of cancer and ‘other life threatening diseases that have proven to strike anybody at any time’. Craig’s right – Jade’s public battle with cancer has made me more aware of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Tularemia and Bubonic Plague. So thanks for that. But there’s another purpose behind Craig’s kind, if rather mangled, words of comfort. He also kindly reminds us that he’ll be talking about Jade more in his forthcoming autobiography. Someone, hold my place in the queue at Borders.

Finally, Russell Brand has also been at it, although he actually wrote a thoughtful and considered piece on his blog, based on a genuine affection for Jade. In fact, the only bit that threw me was his words of warning about how he hopes that ‘that the people who aspired to be like Jade observe the price she paid’. But it wasn’t fame that gave her terminal cancer. It was a bunch of aggressive cells in her cervix. Let’s keep some perspective shall we?