Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Would you da do Ron's ron?

Ron Jeremy is a legend. In his illustrious 33-year career he's appeared in over 2,000 porn films, earning the self-appointed title of 'The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz. And it's hard to argue, since the last three decades have seen him doing more ploughing than all the potato farmers in Norfolk.

That's some achievement, especially since he has what might charitably be described as less-than-conventional leading man looks. Some people's beauty lies below the surface, Ron's lies below the belt. He may have been at the back of the queue when God handed out beauty, but he pushed to the front like a German at Disneyland when it came to cock-size.

But Ron's no one-trick pony, even though that one trick involves similarly equine dimensions - he's also something of a Renaissance man. With two degrees and a host of non-porn media appearances to his name, Ron has the story-telling skills of Peter Ustinov, the bedroom prowess of Errol Flynn and the back-hair of Guy the Gorilla.

The key to Ron's success lies in his authenticity. Asked about his ordinary aesthetic, he once told a Salon interviewer "Guys relate to me. I'm Everyman, living out every man's fantasies." It's become something of a porn cliche - the sexually frustrated housewife spilling red wine on her clingy blouse, and forced to hand-wash it, just as a workman enters the kitchen all hot and bothered. At least Ron adds a touch of veracity to the concept, by looking like he might actually spend his nine-to-five installing aerials or unclogging U-bends.

He's also one of very few stars to successfully break out of the porn ghetto and take part in a bunch of mainstream projects. He's popped up in videos by everyone from Moby to Guns 'n' Roses, played characters in several video games, and even sang a duet with Mo Mowlam on the Frank Skinner show.

With everything else in his life already stretched to capacity, he's now looking to extend his brand, and has just launched an exclusive bottle of rum. Called 'Ron de Jeremy', it has "an inviting light amber color with very attractive copper hues... with a harmoniously balanced orchestra of oak, fruit and spices."

According to the extensive blurb on the website, Ron de Jeremy "opens up smoothly in the palate", much like its namesake, and promises a "long and elegant finish". But wait, there's more tortured copy, layered with double meanings - "Ron de Jeremy sips perfectly, naked or savored over the rocks, and mixes beautifully." Finbarr Saunders just had an aneurysm.

Still, if you're a fan of dark rum, and can handle the idea of swallowing a mouthful of Ron's finest, it's meant to be a pretty potent drop. Just remember to pace yourself - the last thing anyone wants to associate with Ron Jeremy is brewer's droop. 

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