Thursday, 10 March 2011

Chuck you

The world of celebrity is often criticised for being left-of-centre when it comes to politics. It doesn't matter whether it's Sean Penn cosying up to Fidel Castro, Kathy Griffin taking a pop at Sarah Palin or Green Day calling out Bush Jr as the quintessential American Idiot - there's no shortage of liberals amongst the glitterati.

And yet, there are small pockets of conservatism, swimming desperately against the constant tide of liberalism. Those bold icons, willing to stand up for traditional values and stick a spike in the wheels of progress. Weirdly, there are two very specific genres where these curious creatures seem to thrive - country music and 80s action movies.

Planet Hollywood wasn't the only depressing endeavour that Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger had in common - they're also staunch Republicans. But maybe that's because the films they made during their mullety heydays represented an approach to international diplomacy best described as 'guns and puns'. Why engage in heated debate when you can rip out someone's spine and beat them to death with soggy end?

But it's not just the A-list action heroes who found that carrying all that heavy artillery made them lean to the right. Chuck Norris, everyone's favourite ginger assassin, is also extremely vocal about his old-fashioned ways.

He's even uses a pen from time to time, and not just to jab into the eye of an unscrupulous Yakuza boss. He can often be found writing columns for World Net Daily, where he gives a roundhouse kick to the throats of pinkos, commies and bleeding hearts everywhere.

In his latest diatribe, the chop-socky champion of common sense implores his readers to fight progressivism in public schools, arguing that they're a hotbed of social tolerance and environmental awareness. Rather than a well-worn pair of nunchuks, his weapons of choice are a series of rhetorical questions, as he asks "What happens when the political and public educational pendulum swings from concern for the tyranny of sectarianism in Jefferson’s day to secularism in ours? What happens when U.S. public schools become progressive indoctrination camps?" I never realised that fingerpainting was an underhanded way of getting kids to embrace abortion and experiment with their sexuality.

It's clear that Chuck is concerned about the future of America, and wants to go back to simpler times. When problems could be solved by setting fire to a pick-up truck, or breaking someone's fibula with a barstool. He doesn't want to open children's minds, just a can of whup-ass on anyone who thinks progress means moving forward.

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