Wednesday, 18 August 2010

...or are you just pleased to see me?

OK, let me state for the record that this blog post is not simply an excuse to share a video of a man pulling sizeable items out of his well-filled underwear. Although if that's what you're here for, you might as well scroll down to the end. You're welcome.

So, why the obsession with what's in people's jocks? Don't blame me, blame the guy in Brooklyn who was arrested for marijuana possession last month. He blew the whistle on a long-kept secret within the drugs trade about how to hide your stash when out and about.

In less advanced, not to mention stickier-fingered, times, to 'crotch one's contraband' meant literally shoving your illegals where the sun don't shine - and no, that's not a reference to Blackpool. Now, nefarious narcotics users can take their pick from a range of cleverly designed underwear, packed with more pockets and pouches than the marsupial enclosure at Paignton Zoo.

These spectacular skivvies can even pass a particularly zealous pat-downs - no doubt helped immeasurably by the body's natural response to such enthusiastic rubbing. That's enough to distract even the most dedicated law enforcement officer.

In response to this revelatory realisation, NYPD has issued a memo alerting police officers to be on the look-out for anyone with a prominently bulging crotch. Which for some, will be like all their birthdays have come at once.

One of the leading brands, (Crotchin' Klein, if you will) is called 'Stashitware' - a name that probably could have benefited from a little more consumer testing before going to market. Anyway, their range of infinite intimates includes one particular model which boasts a 'crotch pocket' large enough to hold a two-litre bottle of Coke.

Now, you don't have to be a prolific drug user to see the benefits of that kind of accessory - it's like the Wonderbra revolution all over again. Hello boys indeed.

They've even produced an instructional video on YouTube, where company owner Phillip Scott, tells potential customers how to keep their valuables tucked away. Delighting in the amazing storage capacity of his duplicitous drawers, Scott reels off a list of items that can be safely stowed away - money, cigarettes, condoms, cellphone, wallet, lighter, credit card, drugs, jewellery. It's like the 'memorise the items' party game we all used to play. But with a pair of boxers instead of a lightly stained tea-tray.

Whether or not you agree with the ethics of making a product specifically for hiding illegal drugs, you have to marvel at the engineering. It's not so long ago that we marvelled at Mary Poppins' bottomless carpet bag. Now the same magical technology comes in a variety of fabrics and waist-sizes.


  1. When stashitware goes wrong: