Thursday, 5 August 2010

I haven't a thing to wear

It can't be easy for the modern-day journalist. Reduced staff numbers, limited resources and the constant pressure to provide fresh content for the web mean that the art of journalism is dying out.

Instead, most modern newspaper writers have to turn out a handful of articles every day, making them ever more dependent on helpful press releases that can be quickly topped and tailed into 'fast-breaking news stories'.

Which goes some way towards explaining why the Mail ran a lengthy piece today about Kelly Brook's struggle to find outfits that suit her full-bodied shape. Had Sarah Ewing had a little more time on her hands to investigate the story, she might have questioned the logic of an entire feature about a woman who never met an outfit she didn't want to leave crumpled on the studio floor.

To her credit, Kelly has managed to build a pretty successful career out of a pretty face and a pair of boobs that should, by rights, be managed by the National Trust as an outstanding feature of natural beauty. Her early stint as a presenter on the Big Breakfast was about as successful as Gillian McKeith pursuing a career in porn. Nonetheless, Kelly bravely soldiered on, gradually discarding garments until she found her niche (and the rest of the world could see it).

Suddenly, Kelly became what used to be known in Hollywood as a MAW (Model-Actress-Whatever), popping up in any role that called for minimal acting skills and even fewer inhibitions. Whether she was appearing in castaway-thriller 'Three' or treading the boards in Calendar Girls, you could rest assured that Kelly wasn't going to be needing too many coat-hangers.

She's currently giving the people of Battersea enough of a full moon to turn half the population into lycanthropes, thanks to a new Reebok campaign for EasyTone trainers. And with her Playboy shoot hitting the magazine stands in the next couple of weeks, even Kelly herself admits that this is her "naked month". Funnily enough, August is also Simon Cowell's "rich and egocentric" month.

Hopefully, Kelly's next big project will show us a different side of her - she has a key role in horror movie Piranha 3D - a big budget remake of Joe Dante's tongue-in-cheek Jaws rip-off. In most of the footage released so far, Kelly plays to type as a girl who just can't seem to secure her bikini straps.

But instead of just seeing her shedding her clothes, lucky movie-goers will also get to see her skin following suit. It doesn't take a horror aficionado to know that the girl with the biggest breasts is unlikely to make it to the end credits.

And if anyone is in any doubt of what to expect, they need to see the nine minutes of 'too hot for ComicCon' footage that was recently leaked onto the internet. As well as showing off more tits than a skip full of old Pirelli calendars, the film's gruesome centrepiece resembles the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan, if it was shot in Hugh Hefner's pool grotto. I like my horror gory, but this made me feel like I was watching a butcher rinse out his sausage machine.

The article is right - Kelly has found something that suits her. But I'm not sure it's the Vivienne Westwood silk-wrap dress or the Joseph T-shirt. It's the B-movie genre, and it fits her like a glove. Fashions come and go, but trash is truly timeless.


  1. I'm not quite sure why, but I really want to see the film.

  2. christian Spittle6 August 2010 at 11:45

    can't wait to see it. PIRANHAS ATE MY BUM