Justin time

To a world that has already endured its fair share of global pandemics, the idea of another new outbreak is almost too hideous to contemplate. And yet here we are in the midst of an international healthcare crisis that makes H1N1 look like a bad case of the sniffles. 

Half of the world's teenage population is currently in the grip of Bieber-Fever, a merciless infection which leaves them with a weakened immunity to squeaky R&B-lite. Patient zero for this disturbing affliction is 16 year-old Justin Bieber, an androgynous Canadian who was spotted by a talent scout singing on his own YouTube channel. 

In the last 18 months he's grown (figuratively speaking) into one of pop's biggest names, beaten only by Lady Gaga, who also trumps him in the testosterone count. As a result, he's already received his first Grammy nominations for Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album.

The announcement was made last night while the pubescent popster was still in London, so he stayed up past his bedtime to listen to the broadcast. Speaking to Fearne Cotton today, he said "It's amazing, I'm so excited! Last night I was freaking out, all my life I have wanted to win a Grammy." It's quite an accomplishment, even if the timescale he's talking about can actually be measured in weeks. 

The good news was probably just what he needed, since he doesn't seem to be enjoying London much, telling Fearne: "I couldn't live here because the weather is very depressing. But I like the girls! The food I don't like really." Someone should probably point out that most countries in the Northern Hemisphere don't  have their best weather in November. 

For those perplexed by the helmet-haired manchild's popularity, it seems that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Puberty is finally exacting its icy grip on Justin's vocal chords and threatening to derail his plans at world domination. 

According to a source quoted by the News of the World, "Justin is physically developing at a slower rate than most guys so his voice is only breaking now. He's working with the best in the business, a specialist called Jan Smith, to make sure he gets much vocal rest as humanly possible for a working popstar."

Which certainly explains why nobody bothered to give him a working microphone when he appeared on the X-Factor this weekend to 'perform' a medley of his hits. He may have thrown down some impressive moves, but he squeezed out fewer notes than a prisoner in solitary confinement. 

Even if puberty doesn't ruin Justin's chances at conquering the music industry, he should still be nervous. With Willow Smith scoring a number one before her tenth birthday, he's already looking like yesterday's news.