So here we are again - another night, another couple of hours set aside to line Simon Cowell's pockets and speculate about the state of modern pop music. The good news is that at least we'll be spared any more awkward guest appearances by people attempting to steal the contestants' thunder. Try not to think about all the things you could do with the next two hours instead of watching this crap.
Time for a group sing-a-long, although they've got to do it live since, well, it's the final. As usual One Direction couldn't find the harmony with a metal detector and a treasure map, and Rebecca's choosing random notes to show that she could blow all five of them off the stage. Matt is still under the weather, so let's hope he pulls it together later.
Screeeeeeeeeaammmmm! It's Take That in the world's least surprising guest appearance ever - joining our finalists for a rousing chorus of Never Forget. It sounds pretty horrible because they're all over the place - with more random keys than a locksmith's back office. Unusually, Howard Donald is handling the lead vocals for Take That, inspiring Zain that he doesn't necessarily have to look forward to a lifelong career as a bookend.
Time for recaps of last night's 'excitement' - lots of up-the-nostril camera shots of Simon and Cheryl racing down the corridor for a sneaky smoke during the ad-break. Cheryl claims that thinking about how big One Direction could become is "literally mind-blowing" - although this is Cheryl's mind we're talking about, so not such a big deal. She also says "the fight is on" so the toilet attendants of London had best be on their guard...
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