From bard to verse

Hurrah, it's time to celebrate the state of mental health in the UK as we welcome the freaks and weirdos from the audition phase back to the stage. The producers cleverly chose Cee Lo Green's 'Fuck You' as the soundtrack to the recap footage, showing how much contempt they have for the people who make this show a success.

They've just hacked their way through 'Bad Romance' and it was as predictably awful as you'd expect. Chloe Mafia, everyone's favourite Wakefield hooker, got the starring role, despite looking as though she'd applied her lipstick with a damp mop. We were also treated to some 'hilarious' banter between Cheryl and Simon that doesn't bear repeating because my soul just died a little.

The lines have been closed so that we can kick someone off before hearing the final two winners' singles. This should be a foregone conclusion, but we mustn't underestimate the power of teenage girls with unlimited text plans.

Matt is safe, which is as it should be. And the second finalist is... Rebecca. Hallelujah, the public finally got it right. Could Cheryl be on the verge of an unprecedented hat trick? We'll know within the hour. From their first auditions I've wanted a Matt vs Rebecca showdown, so I'm genuinely delighted to see that the rest of the country is thinking along similar lines. Well done everyone - treat yourself to a celebratory drink or eleven.