Giving it 1000 percent

Wow - hats off to Simon. He hasn't just learned his group's names, he even knows their hometowns. Unless he's just reading off an autocue. He wouldn't cheat like that, would he? One Direction are taking their Justin Bieber tribute act on the road, visiting their respective schools and creating the kind of tweenage excitement normally reserved for Robert Pattinson's sparkle face. I've just realised that Harry's mum looks younger than me, making me officially 'too old for this shit'.

Zain went to HMV in Bradford, which was full of screaming girls with blue lips. I don't know whether this is a fashion statement or a sign of how cold Bradford in December can get. Simon's joined them for their evening gig, and he's still got that annoying habit of self-importantly starting every sentence with "I've got to say this..." and ending it with "seriously". And who would dare argue?

The boys are stumbling their way through Elton John's 'Your Song'. All the dramatic drum rolls in the world can't disguise the fact that their timing's off. And the harmonies aren't really coming together, they're barely even singing the lyrics at the same time, never mind the same tune. You know that slight delay you get when the TV's on in two different rooms, one terrestrial and one digital? Well it sounds a bit like that. Epic.

Louis has singled out Niall for the Irish vote. So fuck you Bradford and Doncaster. And Simon has credited the boys with giving it 1000 percent. If we were playing the X-Factor drinking game I'd already be shit-faced. On second thoughts, I wish I was. As we head into another break, Dermot tells us that "Cher will be on this stage" in a few minutes. I don't know why, but that sounds like a threat.

"Prepare to be entertained" grins Cheryl - I guess now is as good a time as any. Cher went to a primary school, which looked a little odd. I'm not used to seeing five year-olds rocking out to R&B mash-ups, perhaps Cher's not as edgy as she thinks.

She's started out on the judges' table, like an unruly child who's been freebasing the icing sugar. There's not much melody going on, and although she might be achingly contemporary, I can't see too many phone voters mashing their keypads in excitement at this.

Louis just told Cher "Hey, you're in the final." Because I'm sure that fact had escaped her notice. Dannii gave her a stern warning on how to conduct herself - i.e. don't go threatening the crew with teaspoons. Meanwhile, Simon has been borrowing Cheryl's script notes to tell Cher that she "smashed it". In Malvern, we're introduced to Cher's headteacher who apparently "knew this day would come". Either he's a soothsayer or his calender has a December 11th on it, same as mine.