Note to One Direction: the high notes are the bits where your voice is supposed to go up and take the tune with it. Robbie Williams, he's a hero to all of us apparently. And by the looks of things, he could be moonlighting as a Mel Gibson impersonator. It sounds as awful as you'd expect, so thank goodness the technical crew remembered to trigger the sparkles backstage, otherwise that would have just looked like a Scout leader trying to rouse his boys in a campfire sing-a-long.
"This is going to be a moment in time" warns Cheryl, portentously. Someone should point out that so is going to the toilet or picking up your dry-cleaning. Cher's doing her best rapping, dressed like the French maid duster from Beauty & the Beast. Will.I.Am is here and he's obviously brought a doctor's note to say he has to use Autotune for medical reasons. Cher's shouting along, and jumping up and down, and although it's a lukewarm mess, it's the only duet where the guest star and contestant seem to have any kind of connection.
So now it's time for a little drama, because there's still another half hour to go and we've had all eight performances. The recap shows just how badly Rebecca came off alongside Christina, holding her hand and gazing lovingly at the massive-lunged star. I almost wish she'd gone for a full-scale Alexandra Burke style meltdown instead, at least people would have a chance of remembering her.
Hurrah, it's guest star filler - so here's Rihanna in a stripy dressing gown and earrings she could hula hoop in. She keeps asking the audience 'What's my name?', surely she could just read Dermot's autocue. The dressing gown's gone and now she's dry humping around the stage in a bra and knickers. Just time for another quick plug of her forthcoming tour and she's gone, hopefully to run another strawberry rinse through that hair of hers.
Now it's Christina's turn - she's got a movie to plug, so here she is whoring it up on a cheap recreation of the Burlesque set. We're pushing the boundaries of wholesome family entertainment here, so let's be thankful that it's not Showgirls that she's promoting. Now she's standing on a chair with one high-heeled foot resting on the back - I just hope someone did a full health and safety audit first. This is live TV, so no sense taking unnecessary risks.
The performance is pretty good, but we're really at the outer limits of what constitutes a 'song'. Cue awkward interview with Dermot - she can't hear a thing, and he's asking questions to which he already knows the answers. So it's all a little pointless, except for the helpful pointer that the film's called 'Burlesque', in case the 300 references in the song didn't tip you off.
OK, now it gets serious. Someone's going home, time to find out who it is. Spoiler warning: don't read on if you haven't been watching. Although you're a sucker for punishment if you've read all this without seeing the show. Anyway, someone who isn't One Direction, Rebecca or Matt is leaving us tonight. If nothing else, at least Cher's time on the X-Factor has taught her how to draw on her eyebrows properly. See - every cloud and all that.
Dermot cheekily thanked her for not crying and being graceful (for a change). Let's see who he can piss off tomorrow night. Thanks for watching with me...
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