Strike a pose, there's nothing to it...

Portuguese poseur and occasional football player Cristiano Ronaldo seems to be making a career out of rifling through David Beckham's wardrobe.

When he was signed by Manchester United back in 2002, he found himself thrust into David's famous number 7 shirt, despite asking for a more anonymous number 28. And now, it looks like he's trying Beckham's underwear on for size, in a revealing new ad campaign for Armani.

The photos themselves are just as posey, airbrushed and homoerotic as you'd expect, with Cristiano having spent most of the photoshoot looking like he was having trouble keeping the pants on. In one rather telling shot, he looks braced for impact as he's doused with liquid - an apt metaphor for how many of these images are likely to be treated by his burgeoning fanbase.

Arriving late to the party, as usual, the Daily Mail has published a lengthy article, painstakingly reprinting the ads in all their glory and critiquing Ronaldo's 'hilariously over the top' technique. Despite the fact that pictures feature more bulges than a shoplifter's cardigan, writer Lydia Slater seems more concerned with Cristiano's 'strangely prominent Adam's apple'.

Buoyed on by the fact that Attitude editor Matthew Todd would have preferred a more 'butch' look for the wicked winger, Slater decides it's OK to take a pop at metrosexual men by claiming that "he appears to be paying homage to Village People, with an open waistcoat over his naked chest, pulling down tight jeans to reveal the top of his underpants and staring moodily at the camera." If that's how contemporary the pop culture references are in the Mail, Ronaldo should just be thankful he wasn't compared to Charles Hawtrey.

Slater's problem with all this, is that she believes women are turned off by men who look too perfect and take care of their appearance. As she states quite categorically, "women... as we all know, still do most of the underpant-buying for the men in their life". That may be the case, but in the world of the Mail, they buy five pairs for a tenner in Matalan, plus the slacks to go with them.

Underwear ads have always been aimed at men who like to look at pictures of other men in their smalls - or in the case of AussieBum, out of them. But somehow Lydia Slater seems to think that this is revelatory journalism.

When he was fifteen, Ronaldo was diagnosed with a racing heart. He may have been cured, but I figure these ads will trigger plenty more incidences of the affliction.

Love and Haiti

It seems that a humanitarian crisis can really bring out the best in people. Last week's earthquake in Haiti, with a death toll rumoured to be upwards of 150,000 people, has seen people from all walks of life trying to find some way to offer their assistance.

Brad and Angelina, Sandra Bullock, Gisele Bundchen, Madonna and Wyclef Jean have all stuck their hands in their pockets and donated considerable sums of money to aid the relief work, in the process using their high profile to encourage members of the public to do what they can.

However, not everyone in the public eye has been quite so kind-hearted. In scenes reminiscent of the days after the 7/7 London bombings, when Fox News journalist Brit Hume claimed that it was a great time to invest, some celebrities have shown that they'd rather be looking in the mirror than out of the window.

Taylor Momsen, the 16-year old star of Gossip Girl, was asked how she felt about the horrifying scenes unfolding in Haiti. Displaying the kind of empathetic selflessness that makes Pixie Geldof look like Anne Frank, she replied “Um, right now I’m trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that.”

It's hardly surprising the poor girl seemed bewildered - she was busy promoting her new scent Love Rocks after all: “Ya know, it’s just a little bit more masculine which I like a lot. And the packaging looks really pretty on a vanity I think. And I like the little spray, what’s that called? An atomizer. I like the little atomizer.” I think we may have found our new UN ambassador.

Over on Twitter, Tila Tequila (the part-time lesbian and full-time disgrace) was channelling the still-fresh grief she had displayed so poignantly for her dead fiancee, into a prayer for the people of Haiti. Unsurprisingly, for anyone who has ever seen Tila's attempts at passing as human, her Tweets were all about her rather than the Haitians.

"Each disaster on earth is no longer "MOTHER NATURE" but it is all in the book leading to the world ending. Humans have become EVIL and CRUEL. I am only ONE person who has ALWAYS tried her best to make the world a better place. To stand up for ppl. I am God's Angel sent down 2 watch." They do say that God moves in mysterious ways - but he must have been strung out on crack when he sent us Tila Tequila to show us the way.

Speaking of God's emissaries on Earth, perhaps the worst example of 'how not to act in a crisis' came from Pat Robertson, the controversial voice of Christian conservatism in America. Pat's no stranger to shocking outbursts - soon after 9/11 he and cohort Jerry Falwell managed to blame the terror attacks on gays and lesbians. According to the loudmouth lunatic, our permissive society had made God so cross that he did what any kind-hearted deity would do - he chartered four flights and ploughed them into major landmarks.

Ranting on the Christian Broadcasting Network's 'The 700 Club' this week, Robertson shared his revisionist view of history, claiming that the earthquake was a direct consequence of the Haitians making a pact with the devil to liberate themselves from their French oppressors.

Adding credence to his seemingly preposterous claims, Pat added "They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other." There you have it - true story.

If this Earthquake really was an act of God, all it proves is that he's got pretty poor taste and a shitty aim.

She just wants to be... Happy

With a career that depends on a combination of the genetic lottery and the popularity of someone you'll never meet, you float about like a feather on the wind of fame.

Despite this, some people manage to turn the fact that they're a living Tussaud's exhibit into a decent living. They open supermarkets, appear in sponsorship idents on cable channels, and occasionally get to wave at drunken teenagers in nightclubs. OK, so it's not exactly the high life but I'm sure it beats price-checking tinned meat in ALDI.

Unfortunately, not every dead ringer manages to turn their freakily familiar features into a lucrative career opportunity. So spare a thought for Sasha Gordon, whose life has been ruined by her "remarkable resemblance" to Leona Lewis.

Critics might quibble that Martin Lawrence looks more like Leona, when playing the eponymous character in Big Momma's House, but that would be a denial of poor Sasha's troubling life experience. According to the Daily Mail, Sasha "finds herself mobbed and pestered for autographs whenever she goes out in public" - a claim that would only be half-believable if she spent her entire life working in a school for the blind.

Stuck in Penge with no boyfriend and the employment prospects of Kerry Katona, Sasha is more than happy to blame the X-Factor songbird for her misfortune. "My family are all heartbroken about the way my life has turned out.The first problem came with my boyfriend - at the beginning he thought the fact I looked like Leona was fun. However, he soon got fed up of me being pestered by autograph hunters when we went out. It caused so many rows that we split up."

Of course, the cruel irony is that Sasha attempted to find work as Leona's lookalike, but soon discovered that opportunities as scant as the likelihood that anyone would actually mistake her for the multi-platinum popstar. Since Leona has the personality of a low-fat yoghurt, there aren't too many calls for someone to turn up and tell crowds of nightclub patrons that "it's really amazing to be here."

But what about non-celebrity jobs? Well, no-one wants her for those either - "Every time I go for an interview people comment on how much I look like Leona. You can see them thinking that taking me on might be too much of a distraction." It's unclear why, exactly, she thinks anyone might be distracted, unless she had a habit of practising her scales every time someone order a nine-piece box of McNuggets.

If things don't get better soon, Sasha may need to take drastic measures. "In my darkest hours I have even thought fleetingly of having cosmetic surgery to change my face." But there's really no need to spend all that money - I'm sure it's only a matter of time before someone with mental health issues (and maybe a well-trained Labrador) smacks her in the face. That ought to do it.

The Vagina Monologues

God bless celebrities. When they're not shielding their faces from the paparazzi or claiming 'press intrusion', they're more than willing to hitch up their skirts and invite the world to have a nosy.

If you think a lady garden is somewhere Charlie Dimmock spends her weekend, you might want to look away now. Because this week, a couple of celebrities decided to tell the world a little more about their downstairs activity than anyone wanted to know.

After a whirlwind romance, bandy-legged bird's-nest Russell Brand decided to make an honest woman of Katy Perry and proposed to her on a trip to India. The media were quick to jump to the conclusion that Russell had done more than kiss the girl (and like it), and that Katy was expecting a a little bundle of hairy joy.

Keen to nip these rumours in the bud, Katy handled the story with customary discretion, Tweeting "ur gonna make me cry, maybe that's my period tho. THAT'S RIGHT I'M BLEEDING. Face. Better luck next month peepz."

Anyone still wondering whether or not Katy had the painters in, would have found their curiosity sated once and for all thanks to the addition of a charming anime illustration of a girl menstruating a torrent of smiley animals.

Continuing the theme of figuratively baring all for one's art, Jennifer Love Hewitt appeared on the talkshow Lopez Tonight on Tuesday, to plug her new book and presumably draw attention away from her breasts for a change.

Now, this may sound old fashioned, but I thought that when women go through a break-up they get together with their friends to cry, comfort eat, and test the limits of what they will or won't drink.

When she split from her last boyfriend, Jennifer did get together with a pal, but instead of ordering a pizza and attacking the Chardonnay, they got a little more creative: "After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady. It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vagazzle their vajayjays."



There are so many questions to be answered here - Don't glue-guns get hot? What else was on their to-do list? Did the friend arrive fully prepared, just in case? Who the hell calls it a 'precious lady'? Do the Swarovski shops provide a drop-in service?

I'm all for celebrities becoming more open and accessible, but surely some things are better left unsaid (and unbedazzled).

Coming at you

The impact of Avatar continues to be felt across Hollywood. Some people are wondering whether movies will become more politically daring when addressing modern imperialism, some are questioning the growing prevalence of 'synthespians', and some are wondering how to apply James Cameron's 3D technology in building a better bongo flick.

The porn industry has always attracted early adopters (as well as premature finishers). In fact, home video, satellite broadcasting, DVD and the internet all owe as much of their success to innovative grot-merchants as Kleenex or Atrixo.

So it's not exactly shocking to discover that pornographers are keen to embrace the third dimension in giving their films a little extra depth. Actually, this isn't the first time that adult movies have delved into 3D - 1969's 'The Stewardess' managed to rake in almost $30 million thanks to its jiggling extra-dimensional boobs.

Sadly, anyone hoping to immerse themselves in a world of bored housewives, tumescent plumbers and disobedient schoolgirls will have to wait a while until full penetration is achieved - the TV technology is still in its infancy. Rob Smith, a director of Hustler Video Group, said "I'm hoping by the fourth quarter of this year it will be at the point where we can justify doing a 3D product."

The other problem is those pesky glasses - according to Ali Joone, founder of Digital Playground, "3D glasses are also an issue because people don't want to be encumbered by eyewear when viewing a film." I would have thought that, as long as their hands were free, this wouldn't be an issue.

The directors have their own challenges too. Aside from budgetary restrictions, there's the issue of image cropping. "We noticed when we were watching the footage later that you have to frame things differently for 3D. When part of an arm or leg is cut out of a shot in a 2D movie it looks okay, he said, but in 3D it looks kind of strange."

I think someone needs to point out to him that it's not the limbs that viewers will be focusing on. They'll be too busy ducking, fearful that they're about to have an eye poked out.

Call me a cynic, but I think 3D will be another temporary trend. After all, what's the point of aiming 3D technology at an audience that's in danger of going blind anyway?

Lady goes Gaga over fans

When you finally achieve your dreams, it's very tough to stay grounded. For some people, all it takes is one whiff of success and they start throwing their weight around like a pre-menstrual Mariah Carey. So we should all be grateful for Lady Gaga who manages to be both grateful and gracious to her fans for putting her where she is today - even if that happens to be her own little world.

A few months ago, when she released the follow-up to her best-selling debut album, she treated the fans queuing outside the record signing to a thousand dollars worth of pizza as a way of saying thank you. Some might carp that she didn't bother to check whether anyone was gluten intolerant or trying to lay off the carbs, but in this instance, it's definitely the thought that counts.

The strange thing is, as pretentious as her stage persona might seem to some, she's actually very grounded. She's said repeatedly that she's driven by a need to please and delight her fans, and make outsiders feel welcome and accepted. All very commendable.

Yesterday, she went another step closer to proving this point when she added a link on her official Twitter page, along with the comment 'holy shit'. The video (posted below) was made by a group of friends who received Flip cameras for Christmas and decided to remake Gaga's award-winning video for Bad Romance.



Although they were working from a significantly more rstrictive budget, and the choreography is somewhat lacklustre, they can't be faulted for their commitment or attention to detail. You'll never look at a laundry basket the same way again after this.

Whereas some celebrities might get their record company to pressure YouTube to take down the video for breaking the rules over music usage rights, Lady Gaga decided to share the video with her 2+ million-strong group of Twitter followers. For all the fans who keep posting messages in the hope their favourite star migth notice them, this should be considered a major breakthrough.

Already, the video has received over a quarter of a million hits. But, ironically, this has caused something of an unforeseen problem for the young videographers.

A new note on their YouTube channel reads: "We're flattered some of you guys friend requested us on Facebook, but we wanna try to keep our personal lives seperate. So add our fanpage instead :D!" Isn't it funny how quickly people forget the fans who put them where they are today?

Skating on thin ice

A famous philosopher once said, "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it." Although this insight is generally applied to human rights abuses and acts of war, it's equally applicable to 80s pop stars.

So we've only ourselves to blame for the fact that, since she was the first to be voted off Dancing On Ice last night, Sinitta is now threatening a return to her music career.

Clearly anticipating a more substantial stint on her skates, the well-preserved disco dolly had cleverly lined up a greatest hits CD to release in a couple of weeks' time, hot on the blades of a previous compilation, released just a couple of months ago. Strike while the ice is cold and all that.

That means we can all look forward to lots more airplay for So Macho, the gayest song ever written by a rampant homophobe. And Sinitta's got a few extra surprises up the sleeve of her sequined unitard - some contemporary R&B mixes of her era-defining oeuvre.

Speaking to Digital Spy, the woman who poses a bigger threat to ornamental shrubbery than Edward Scissorhands, said "I think any new material will happen through the people who want to remix some of my old classics. You know the rapper Fabolous? He wants to do something with one of my tracks." Lots of people want to do something with her old tracks, but in most cases it involves a pedal and the word 'Brabantia' on the lid.

Still, ever the optimist, Sinitta is philosophical about her early exit from the ice dancing extravaganza: "Maybe this is God's way of saying I need to be putting all my energy into promoting this album? All my club PAs were going to be subject to my Dancing On Ice schedule, so this has really kind of released me."

So there you have it - apparently God is strapping himself into a leather vest and hitting the amyl nitrate in anticipation of Sinitta's victorious comeback. She may not believe in miracles, but I do...

I know you are but what am I?

As a graduate of the 'Black Kettle' school of name-calling, Katie Price knows a thing or two about condemning other people for her own shortcomings. At least this time it seems she's learned a new word - parasite. Perhaps someone left the National Geographic channel on over the Christmas break.

The target of Katie's wintry discontent is glamour model Chelsea White, which sounds more like an Essex nightclub than someone's name. Chelsea was a guest at Katie's lavish New Year's bash and made the mistake of sharing some badly filmed footage of the event on the internet.

Wheareas most people would simply be embarrassed by how dull the party appeared to be, Katie is furious that she's been 'scooped' in her own house. As with everything else in her life, the party was being covered exclusively by the camera crew for her woeful unreality show. That meant the guests had to sign a confidentiality agreement, as well as a pact with the devil, in order to attend. And it looks like Chelsea broke the contract by releasing the footage.

It's not the first time Katie has appeared in bootleg footage on the internet. Funnily enough, Dane Bowers was in that one too - well, his toe was anyway. Although if he really wanted to keep his feet warm, he should just have asked for some socks for Christmas.

Taking to Twitter for another one of her famously eloquent monologues, the Ned Sherrin of ITV2 wrote "NEVER trust chelseawhite.co.uk as a friend she is disloyal cant be trusted shes [sic] a grass she will make a quick buck off anyone a parasite." Katie's fierce moral code prevents her from approving of anyone who makes money through exploitative or manipulative means.

In fact, her boyfriend is in for a shock when he gets out of the Celebrity Big Brother compound because she's not happy with him either. Despite looking like a model of Daniel Craig built out of Duplo, he seems like a nice enough guy, but Katie has decided that he's not playing by her rules: “He’s living off my fame in there. He’s only famous because he’s with me anyway. He’s doing the exact opposite of what I told him to do! I can’t believe it.”

Is anyone else wishing she'd just put a sock in it? Or at least a foot...

Rinse and repeat

Way back in the 1990s, a show called The Word changed the world of television forever. One particular segment, called 'I'll do anything to get on telly', foretold the future of broadcasting, by showcasing a bunch of hopeless wannabes who would willingly strip off on a bus, French kiss a pensioner or lick a fat man's armpit in exchange for 15 seconds of fame.

Since then we've enjoyed a decade of Big Brothers, I'm A Celebrity Give Me A Tapeworm, and fly-on-the-toilet-door documentaries, depicting all manner of humanity with its pants around its ankles. We're now so immune to acts of public debasement, that I wouldn't be surprised to switch on Newsnight and see Jeremy Paxman experimenting in coprophilia with Jodie Marsh in a perspex box.

In a world where Jackass might best be described as the 'thinking man's Dirty Sanchez' we can at least take solace in the fact that no-one is under any illusion that these shows have any redeeming social value. If anything, they're just filmed auditions for the Darwin Awards.

So what are we to make of a show like 'Man vs. Wild'? Ostensibly a grown-up documentary series about survival techniques, the programme depicts real-life action man (complete with eagle-eyes switch and plasticised genitals) Bear Grylls attempting to endure some of the most inhospitable places on Earth - Antarctica, Amazonian rainforests, Doncaster.

It all sounds very noble, and Bear has certainly done his research, but there's still a slightly exploitative, lowest-common denominator edge to it all. For instance, the latest edition showed our handsome hero adrift on a raft in the Pacific, with no water reserves to stave off the dehydration.

So the resourceful lad did what any of us would do in that situation with a camera crew following his every move. He took a conveniently placed piece of hose, attached it to some 'foetid water laced with bird droppings' and stuck it up his gryll to give himself an enema. TV producers thoughtfully blurred the sight of Bear's quivering buttocks, so as to not to appear distasteful.



However, we did get to enjoy Bear's blow-by-blow description, including the classic line: "I'm not expecting this to be partcularly pleasant" as though there's a sliding scale of pleasure when irrigating one's own colon in the middle of the ocean. Maybe if the pipe's nozzle had been heated...

Ever the professional, Bear also reminded viewers that "This must only ever be undertaken as a last resort," as though he pictured men all over the country in their sheds, excitedly unspooling the garden hose.

This might be 'educational' TV, but it would still be worthwhile taking another leaf out of Jackass' book. A simple warning saying 'Don't try this at home' could at least prevent an ugly scene in your local B&Q.

Oh my God that Britney's shameless

With the new year still in its infancy, lots of people are still looking back at 2009 and making a mental audit of everything they experienced throughout the year. For instance, Lady GaGa had a great year, Michael Jackson and Jade Goody less so.

As far as Britney Spears is concerned, the jury's still out. She did manage to claw herself back from round-the-clock psychiatric supervision and popped out a couple more massive hit singles. But she also had to endure the ignominy of mass walkouts from her concerts when it emerged that she was lip-synching, rather than performing live. Although anyone genuinely shocked by the idea of Britney miming deserves to be fleeced out of a couple of hundred dollars. What next? Magazine readers shocked to find that Demi Moore pictures have been airbrushed?

Still, after an unprecedented year of intrusive press coverage, Britney is fighting back. In an unusual demonstration of self-awareness, Team Britney has created a fascinating countdown of bullshit called 'The Year in BS' that highlights all of their favourite made-up stories.

It turns out that over 13,000 stories were written about Britney in 2009, but the vast majority of them were about as believable as one of her live performances. The website claims "we ranked the ones we believe were the most ridiculous. Either because they were factually inaccurate, because they reported the patently absurd, or because we believe they are simply offensive to the sensibilities."

The list details all manner of misreported non-events, it's like a bumper annual of the News of the World showbiz pages. Knockbacks, new boyfriends, audience protests - all the most controversial and shocking stories are meticulously rehashed for Britney fans to bite their thumb at.

The problem is, there's no effort to set the story straight on any of the issues. Britney's dedicated fans are expected to believe the official version of events, without having an actual story to buy into. It's basically just 75 'no comments' one after the other.

Given that 2008 was a year when Britney's sanest moments included shaving her head, having a stand-off with the police, attacking a car with an umbrella and enjoying the company of Paris Hilton, it's no wonder that people were willing to believe pretty much anything about her.