With friends like these

As the Nation's Sweetheart© Cheryl Cole/Tweedy battles malaria in a London hospital, she must be relieved to know that her loved ones are rallying around her. Bandmate Nadine Coyle is relying on Tweets from fans to update her on the plucky Geordie's status, estranged husband Ashley is picking up trash in LA like a brand new Dyson, and X-Factor alumni Jedward are already planning her send-off.

In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Edward Grimes commented (unironically) "She hurt herself. Two great people hurting themselves… It’s going to be a big funeral." Two great people? A.N. Wilson must be feverishly redefining greatness for any future historical projects.

They may have all the talent and appeal of a poor-man's Milli Vanilli, but Jedward are certainly making the most of their time in the spotlight. Their debut single made Mr Blobby's novelty Christmas number 1 sound like a Radiohead B-side, and they were promptly dropped by Sony Records, who must have won their contract in a bran tub.

But even that wasn't enough to keep the terrifying twosome down - they were snapped up by Universal within 24 hours. Someone, somewhere has a chalky pentangle and a heap of dead goats.

Since the X-Factor final, the tall-haired twins have been sharing their unique take on music with bemused audiences across the country, first on the X-Factor tour and now in a series of torturously shambolic live performances. This weekend, they took to the stage at the T4 On The Beach concert in Weston-super-Mare, only for the back end of pop's pantomime horse to misjudge a jump midway through their 'interpretation' of Ghostbusters.

Edward landed badly and tore the ligaments in his knee. Ever the professional, he smiled through the remainder of the performance, but was rushed to hospital as soon as they finished the show.

With one foot already out of action, Grimes chose to stick the other in his mouth with his ill-advised remark about a joint funeral. Despite having an identical sibling, he even managed to reveal a lack of understanding of familial genetics, commenting "I'm like Cheryl's twin because I hurt myself." Because that's how it works.

It's not all bad news though. Edward also told the paper "In hospital they said I might not be able to dance again and needed surgery. If I couldn't dance again I'm not sure what would happen, so I am a bit worried. The show is about dancing and performance." At least he understands that it was never about singing.

Thankfully, the dream isn't over just yet. There's always MRSA.