Friday, 16 July 2010

Katie's Price

This blog has been a Katie Price-free zone for a while now, which is good because I'd just about run out of analogies for describing the tangerine travesty. But I'd be neglecting my duties if I didn't acknowledge her latest assault on all that is good and true.

There are people out there who still defend Katie, claiming that she's a 'good businesswoman' as though that's some kind of character reference. Fred West was a dab hand at DIY, but that didn't make him a good person.

Anyway, the point is, Katie has singlehandedly proved that an utter dearth of talent, competence and humility is no obstacle to money-making. Everything she's turned her grasping claws to has inexplicably proved successful - no matter how ridiculous the concept. Want you horse to look like a whore? Katie's equestrian range can take care of that.

But it looks as though this plastic-uddered cash cow has finally been milked dry. She's been working the media circuit this week to promote her new single 'Free To Love Again'. Insistent on doing more damage than the Ceti Eel that crawled into Chekov's ear in Star Trek II, Katie has decided to resurrect her dreams of becoming a pop star.

It's not the first time she's stood in front of a microphone and wondered where she's supposed to stick it. She famously attempted to represent the UK at Eurovision in 2005, and performed in a stretched pink PVC catsuit that struggled to contain her pregnancy.

She now claims that her 'Making Your Mind Up' appearance is the only thing in her career is the only thing she regrets, showing just how detached from reality she is. But in characteristically self-absorbed fashion, she chooses to blame everyone else for her poor showing: "I felt like I was used, actually. I feel that as soon as they found out I was pregnant, that Javine won. I mean how fixed is that? Still, that's a long story."

A couple of years later she teamed up with husband Peter to unleash a whole album's worth or torturous reinterpretations of classic love songs, which had all the believability of the couple themselves. It was not a success.

Still, third time's the charm, and this time Katie's come prepared. In a series of interviews and public appearances this week, she's been talking up the single with all the enthusiasm and pride it deserves. Perhaps anticipating a negative response, she argues that she won't be disappointed if she doesn't hit the top of the charts: "It's a bit of fun. I'm not a singer. There's no way I'm a singer, but I love singing, if that makes sense." Having heard the song, I'm not sure who she thinks is going to be having any 'fun' as a consequence.

She may claim to be doing this for the fans (a cruel and unusual punishment, but nothing more than they deserve) but it's clear that, despite what she says, she's gutted that people aren't queuing up in HMV to buy a song that wouldn't have made the grade as a Gina G album track. She's blaming the radio stations for not playing her song, saying "There'll be people that will say 'I'm not playing that song, it's not credible enough." Or maybe because it's fucking awful.

And that's the real problem with this whole debacle. People will be quick to criticise Katie's record, arguing that it's trashy pop garbage. In doing so, they'll be condemning all the artists who make pop with passion, creativity and enthusiasm. These artists might not use real guitars, they might not even sing live - but their energy, imagination and ear for a good tune is unquestionable.

Pop is not music that will change the world - let's leave that to 'serious' musicians like Bono and Chris Martin. But it's no less worthwhile. Sometimes, all it takes is three and a half minutes of escapism to transform a bad day into something tolerable.

Unfortunately, having watched Katie sleep-walk through a badly mimed 'performance' on GMTV, I might need some remedial pop therapy to turn my day around...

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