Sunday, 18 July 2010

Boys will be boys

Writing a blog is a funny old business. Night after night I sit at my laptop, searching for inspiration and sharing my thoughts on all kinds of pointless ephemera. Although I find writing to be cathartic, my enthusiasm is always tempered by the need to provide readers with something engaging or enjoyable.

I imagine that's how writers of slash fiction must feel too - balancing the need for creative expression with the desire to produce something that others will enjoy. If you haven't read slash fiction before, you should give it a go next time you feel like you need a dose of badly-written porn featuring some of your favourite TV or movie characters.

Frustrated that the sexual chemistry you picked up on in that movie wasn't fully explored? Simply write your own version where Robocop and Lewis make the beast with two hard-drives. Or create the scenes where we find out exactly what Iceman meant by that whole 'wingman' offer.

Given the level of devotion needed to write 'expanded universe' material, slash fiction tends to originate around cult properties. For instance, there must be thousands of stories out there about how Spock and Kirk spent those lonely nights stranded on lonely planets.

Unsurprisingly, Twilight has also spawned its fair share of imaginative fans with their own unique take on the Bella-Edward-Jacob love triangle. The archive on currently lists over 154810 stories (many of which are probably better than anything Stephenie Meyer could conjure up).

Since the Twilight series is one long metaphor for abstinence, it's interesting to see the sexual frustration spilling out from the franchise's fanbase. They may be happy watching Kristen Stewart chewing her lips over a chaste kiss with the sparkly vampire, but when it comes down to it, they're more interested in what goes on between the two supernatural men in her pre-afterlife.

Now, it seems, these wannabe writers don't have to imagine any more, since Robert Pattinson is more than happy to fill in the gaps. In an interview with Now! magazine, the bequiffed boy wonder discussed the shooting of a tent scene between him and fillet-steak-with-hair Taylor Lautner.

"I liked the tent scene because I have to grab Taylor’s chest and his nipples get hard really easily. We had to re-shoot the scene basically for that reason!" And I can imagine just how many times they needed to zoom in for a close-up. You know, just in case there was a problem with the tape. Or the lighting was bad. Something tells me the B-roll footage would sell better than the actual movie when it hits DVD.

Robert seems to enjoy the homoeroticism that comes from tusssling with a constantly shirtless slab of beefcake - adding "It seems like I’m always picking on Taylor, but the funniest moment was when he was in this little grey Spandex suit he sometimes had to wear for the CGI. Taylor quite frequently out-mans me, so seeing him in that little Spandex outfit made me feel much better about myself. He looked great in it, though. Very sexy!"

The Twilight series has made over a billion dollars off the back of a load of sexual frustration and unconsummated relationships. So don't be surprised if Stephanie Meyer takes the logical step of resurrecting her best-selling series, and creates a fifth volume where Bella realises she's Forks' first fag-hag. Jacob and Edward buy a condo overlooking the river, Bella moves in next door and spends the next thirty years lusting over the men she'll never have. Truth is stranger than fiction.

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