What's up, Governor?

It's a sad fact that politicians and scandal go together like Tom Cruise and damaged sofa cushions. Judging by the state of affairs (pun possibly intended) in New York, those associations aren't likely to end any time soon.

New York governor David Paterson is currently the target of a smear campaign involving "a variety of unproven accusations involving [his] personal conduct." In fact, the rumors are so unproven, they haven't even been articulated yet.

Apparently, character assassination has become so easy that these days you don't need a shooter or a smoking gun. In fact, you don't even need to take aim. Just plant the rumor that there may be a threat and let the internet take care of the rest.

All it took for Paterson's troubles to begin was a handful of bloggers speculating that the New York Times was working on a story that would force him to resign. As Doug Muzzio, politics professor at New York City's Baruch College, said in an interview: "I've never seen the rumor of a story becoming the story as this one has."

But the damage has been done, and now Paterson's political opponents are ready to strike. Leading the charge is former Nixon, Reagan and Bush advisor Roger Stone, who has lined up a most surprising alternative candidate.

Former 'Manhattan Madam' Kristin Davis (no, not that one) has put herself forward as a Libertarian candidate, and believes she has a chance of being elected since she 'has nothing to hide'. Having originally found notoriety by helping to unseat Paterson's prostitute-patronising predecessor Eliot Spitzer, Davis plans to run on a reform agenda.

A report in the New York Daily News claims that Davis "laid out her credentials...on the lower East Side" - a trick I'm sure many a man has paid to see. But if you're thinking that Stone is using her as part of a cynical publicity campaign, you couldn't be more wrong: "Kristin knows lots of Penthouse Pets. We'll get four, make them notary publics and have them, suitably attired, collecting signatures at Grand Central Station during rush hour." You stay classy New York.

On the upside (she's probably done that too), it makes a change to see a whore wanting to enter the world of politics, rather than the other way round.

Drown and out

Hooray - 24 is back and badder than ever. Jack Bauer may have mellowed into a caring grandfather with a conscience, but that leaves the other rogue agents to cut off suspects' hands with a circular saw just to ask for directions to the nearest Subway.

As the controversy over the show's emphasis on torture scenes runs and runs, the impact of its over-reliance on crocodile clips and uncomfortable chairs continues to be felt.

The concern is that, as one of the most popular shows on US TV, 24 endorses the use of torture in extracting confessions and other vital intelligence. In doing so, it seems to legitimise the illegal activities taking place in Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib.

But even Jack Bauer would probably question the behaviour of Joshua Tabor, a US soldier accused of waterboarding his four-year-old daughter when she failed to recite her alphabet.

Although he had only recently won custody of the little girl, he decided that the CIA torture technique was the most effective way of encouraging her to remember her A-B-Cs. Choosing the punishment because she was terrified of water, the nominee for 'father of the year' held his little girl's face in the water three or four times.

What's not clear from the reports, is whether or not the child was able to complete the task. But then, that's the problem with violent interrogative techniques - torturers rarely manage to extract the information they need.

But it leaves me wondering what will happen if Sesame Street's ratings ever start to flag. If Elmo wants to know which letters are sponsoring the episode, will he roll up his fuzzy red sleeves and get his hands wet?

Racism rears its ugly head

In the world of PR, the key to getting your story out is to engage with journalists who'll embrace your 'angle'. So it's back to school for Angela Bucknor, Head of Marketing for Waltham Forest College, who mistakenly thought that the Mail on Sunday might be interested in a story about the educational establishment's diverse student body.

As a way of showcasing how much has changed in the last seventy years, tutor Gaverne Bennett decided to recreate a picture of the college's students that was originally taken in 1940. Whereas most of the students in the black and white photo were preparing to make their contribution to the war effort, today's intake are pursuing a wide range of vocational courses, from fashion and hairdressing to cookery and interior design.

Perhaps Bucknor naively assumed that the Mail would be happy to see evidence that not all young people are feckless, hoodie-wearing layabouts. But she didn't count on the seething undercurrent of racism that runs through the paper's journalistic output.

Matt Sandy's article prefers to focus on the fact that the students speak 76 languages and hail from a number of countries including the Democratic Republic of Congo, Pakistan and Croatia. There's also a pointed reference to the fact that one of the courses offered by the college is 'English as a Foreign Language' - making no mention of the fact that this shows a willingness on the part of the students to learn English, and thereby assimilate into British culture more effectively.

However, the most depressing element of this story is the views of the readers, as evidenced by the 'best rated comments' listed beneath the article:

And that's why the country has gone to the dogs....
- Daz, Hants, England
Change for the better? I don't think so.
- Jonty, Wales
The bottom picture makes me feel sad . Is it a misprint or a joke ( or a shamefull reality ) that it says it is now teaching "english as foreign language " ?
- david, plymouth uk
Like rubbing salt in an open wound.
- Robert, Derby
Have a look at the knife/gun crime figures within the U.K. for the 1940s' photo period and compare them to the 2010 photo period. What do you think is the major contribution to the massive increase in figures?
- Mike Jones, Hampshire
The picture says it all with what is wrong today
- Margaret, London

I imagine Nick Griffin almost choked to death on his crumpets when he read the paper this morning. Better luck next time...

Fancy a quick fling?

Last year's breakout horror hit was Paranormal Activity - the story of an obnoxious young couple being terrorised by a malevolent supernatural energy. It may have cost less than the average family's gas bill, but director Oren Peli cleverly used its super low budget to its advantage, by allowing the audience to imagine the horrors taking place. Rather than gruesome images and spurting arteries, the film focused on the spooky sight of a young woman being attacked by an unseen entity.

Whenever a new sleeper hit comes along, its influence can immediately be felt in all the knock-offs and 'homages' that rush to market. But the impact of Paranormal Activity has manifested itself in one particularly surprising initiative.

Wrangler has just launched a new website to promote its (not entirely butch-sounding) 'Bluebell' range of jeans, starring 'legendary' male model Tony Ward. Designed by Swedish digital agency Kokokaka, the website allows you to manipulate Tony and even rip his clothes off.

You can unzip his cardigan, tear off his shirt and drag him off his chair, before throwing him across the screen like a rag doll with obliques. Of course it's all done incredibly well, but there's something a bit disturbing about an interactive site that encourages you to strip someone against his will and indulge in a little guilt-free violence.

I'm sure people will claim it's just a bit of harmless flash-based fun, but I wonder how opinions would differ if it was a woman being stripped and knocked about.

Given that Wrangler Jeans have always been associated with masculine pursuits such as rodeos, country music and American football, I can't quite see how much this homoerotic execution will appeal to the brand's fans. Unless of course they see it as a virtual queer-bashing.

Still, as one of Madonna's most famous ex-boyfriends, I'm sure this isn't the first time that Tony's been pushed around and manipulated in the public eye.

Give it a go here: http://eu.wrangler.com/bluebell/#/collection/2

Should you be looking at that?

The internet is a vast Aladdin's cave, full of information, wonderment and film clips of young women doing unspeakable things with kitchen appliances. With IT departments and firewalls monitoring our every mouse click, browsing the web at work has become a little like Russian roulette - you take your life in your hands with each new page you open.

It doesn't help matters if you happen to be doing your surfing when camera crews are in the office, as David Kiely found last week. He was hard at work (possibly in both senses) at the Maquarie Bank in Sydney when the Channel 7 News team turned up to interview one of his colleagues. Unfortunately for David, his internetular activities could clearly be seen over the shoulder of the man being interviewed, and David wasn't looking at investment portfolios.

Instead, the cheeky banker was ogling pictures of Victoria's Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr in various states of undress. Partway through the interview David must have experienced that strange feeling of being watched, not realising that there was actually a whole TV audience at home peering over his shoulder.

He finally turned around and glanced guiltily at the camera, acknowledging the epic nature of his fail. According to reports, he was then escorted out of the office by security staff - hopefully they at least allowed him a 'cooling off' period before making him stand up.

Hours later he was the newest YouTube sensation, scoring 1.3 million hits and, rather helpfully, doubling the number of Google searches for Miranda herself. When it appeared as though David might actually lose his job over the debacle, Kerr spoke out to say "I am told there is a petition to save his job, and of course I would sign it."

Here in the UK, other web users have also found themselves viewing the wrong sort of material, through no fault of their own. The Department for Children, Schools and Families recently launched a children's website to introduce young people to government policies and services.


'Buster's World' features a friendly cartoon dog wearing a Sheriff's badge, who guides visitors around the site. Unfortunately for DCSF, the domain name 'Buster's World' already existed, but the site it represents features decidedly different content. The host of that site is quite happy showing off his 'sheriff's badge' too, but his is most definitely NSFW.


'Buster' (as he's known to his friends) is a hairy, middle-aged 'balloon enthusiast' - but not in the way that children might get excited by brightly coloured inflatables. To put it mildly, Buster's World is a strange place to visit: "I like to blow balloons up until they are full and tight and hard and about to burst. At the point a balloon gets so big that it is overinflated and pear shaped, my heart begins to race, and I find the fear of the balloon exploding an exhillerating rush. Being a bit of an exhibitionist, I find it a turn on to show just how big I can blow a balloon myself..."

Still, it's all good, clean, consensual stuff, and there are some very pretty colours on display. But I imagine parents who accidentally clicked on the wrong link might have been dismayed to find a beefy gay man lying spread-eagled across a giant spacehopper.

Unsurprisingly, DCSF were quick to take down the link and issued a prompt apology, "The naming of this webpage was clearly a mistake and we regret that the supplier’s usual thorough checking procedures when creating web content seem to have failed. When this was brought to our attention we urgently took the site down, pending a rename, to avoid any further issues."

To paraphrase a certain bench-dwelling buffoon, the internet's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. And you might want to think twice before you put anything in your mouth.

Be my Valentine

The world of fashion has always been a safe-haven for people of a lavender pursuasion. Designers, models, stylists and personal assistants have all been drawn to the industry, like moths to a neon sign saying 'flamers'.

So it stands to reason that fashion houses would display a more progressive and inclusive attitude towards the love that dare not wear unbranded apparel. Take Armani for example - its underwear ads are a few swishy steps away from soft porn, and Armani suits are designed with roomy sleeves to allow for more elaborate finger-snap manoeuvres.

I guess it was only a matter of time before Armani started appropriating more explicitly gay images in its marketing - which is why I'm not exactly surprised to see its latest in-store poster campaign depicting all kinds of couples in romantic clinches as part of its Valentine promotions.

Straight, gay and lesbian couples are all featured in a variety of PG-rated poses - no-one's having sex, in fact they're not even kissing. To be honest, the models mostly look as though they're checking their partners for worrying new melanomas.

But for some people, two shirtless men gazing intently at one another is enough to symbolise the downfall of modern society. A group called One Million Moms (part of the creepily conservative American Family Association) is leading a protest about the Armani Exchange's poster campaign, claiming "Malls, where teens hang out, have retailers whose window displays poison our children with 10-foot posters that are nothing but soft p*rn. In particular, Armani Exchange has recently displayed Valentine's posters with partially dressed 'couples' holding one another. These couples consist of two men, a man and woman, and two women. The women are scantily dressed while it is questionable if the men have any clothes on at all. Two of these models are used a couple of times to represent bis*xuals. If it could get any worse the text written is 'SHARE THE LOVE.'"

It's bad enough that these people have been campaigning to reclaim the word 'marriage' to prevent same-sex unions, but now they're using apostrophes to suggest that gay people shouldn't even be allowed to form couples.

Thanks to this grass roots activism, other vocal oppression groups have weighed in on the debate, with Phillip Cosby of the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families adding "It is not just commercialism and unfortunately it is predatory in its nature." I'm not sure how a poster depicting a loving couple can be considered predatory, unless one of them had a light-refracting cloaking device and terrifying mandibles, but there you go.

According to the One Million Moms website, the organisation's goal is to combat "the filth many segments of our society are throwing at our children." But when it comes to indiscriminately hurling shit around, I think these misguided campaigners ought to look a little closer to home.

SPAM SPAM chips and SPAM

The soldiers fighting overseas in Afghanistan have had to weather some pretty intolerable conditions since the second gulf war began back in late 2001. Regular ambushes, a growing insurgency and the lack of suitable equipment has made day-to-day life difficult for our military personnel.

But perhaps the cruellest blow to date must have been the moment when a supply helicopter was shot down en route to an operating base near Sangin. According to a lengthy feature in the Mail, the poor Army chef responsible for feeding 'Our Boys' (copyright The Sun) at the base realised he was going to have to be more resourceful than a Ready Steady Cook contestant with a Tesco bag full of peanut shells and horsehair. Actually, even those ingredients might have made his life a little more bearable, since instead, he had only a store cupboard full of SPAM to work with.

For the next six weeks, Corporal Liam Francis did everything he could with the reconstituted animal derivatives, rustling up a stomach churning array of meals that must have violated several of the Geneva Conventions. Sweet and sour, carbonara, stroganoff and stir-fries were all given the distinctive SPAM treatment as the gritty pink matter was chopped, shaped and sautéed until it resembled something edible.

It's not clear whether six weeks of an all-SPAM diet started to make some of the troops look edible too - like when Sylvester would picture Tweety Pie as a dressed poussin on a swing. Thankfully, regular service was eventually resumed, with morale soaring when the soldiers finally tucked into battered sausages, chips and curry sauce.

Still, we all love a nice uplifting story of derring-do and good old-fashioned ingenuity under duress. So it's a shame that the PR origins of this story shine through quite so glaringly. Maybe it's the carefully composed photo of a hand reaching into a neatly lines cupboard of SPAM. Perhaps it's the handy list of SPAMtastic recipes, that reads like excerpts from The Young Poisoner's Handbook. Or could it be the fact that there's a handy history section outlining the history of the world's favourite almost-meat?

We all know that the relationship between news and the PR industry has become increasingly symbiotic in recent years - the journalists have countless pages to fill, and the PR agencies have to dress up some pretty uninspiring products in 'human interest' stories that people may actually bother to read.

SPAM owners Hormel Foods have clearly engaged a PR company to build affection for their tinned terror, by positioning it as the 'food of the people' and sharing some handy recipe suggestions to attempt at home. They tried this once before with a stunningly bad TV ad that invited the public to 'Spam Up!' - the highlight of which was the sight of an older man treating his wife to an anniversary dinner of SPAM salad. Sadly, the camera cuts away before we get to see him tweezing pieces of broken crockery out of his face.



It's said that truth is the first casualty of war. But this may well be the first time that the pro-military propaganda machine has been reconfigured to sell a processed ham substitute.

Reid between the lines

Thank heavens for old fashioned values. On November 4th, 2008, California voters didn't just elect Barack Obama to the highest seat in office, they also approved Proposition 8, which took away the rights of same-sex people to marry.

Those who actually understood what they were voting on, argued that they weren't being homophobic or discriminatory - they were simply fighting to uphold the sanctity of marriage. In their eyes, marriage is a sacred institution blessed by God, and needs to be respected as such.

So I imagine that glasses of sparkling non-alcoholic wine are being chinked all over the place, in celebration of the fact that Katie Price and Alex Reid were able to exchange their vows in a Las Vegas chapel.

This blessed union may have come as a surprise to some, given that Katie's commitment to the relationship seemed to rest on the toss of a coin. She publicly dumped him last year, after he made the mistake of speaking to the press about his proposal plans. After a hasty reunion, she spent most of his stay in the Celebrity Big Brother house hovering back and forth between pushing him away and pulling him up to the bumper.

However, as soon as it looked as though the square-headed scrapper might actually win the show, Katie's fierce business brain went into overdrive. Planning a campaign of activity with military precision, Katie engineered the whole engagement to maximise the revenue potential.

Speaking to the press, she carefully retracted the comments she'd made before about Alex using her fame for his own career, charitably adding "I said to Alex, forget my house, we should buy a house together. I'm going to downsize so we can both afford it."

Perhaps cognisant of the British public's cynicism about the authenticity of their union, Katie made sure no magazine photographers were present to capture the moment where they became victim and wife. However, the ITV2 crew were on hand to preserve the magical moment for Katie's ongoing documentary series, which has been running so long it makes Mahabharat look like a YouTube clip.

Just in case anyone was still in any doubt of their sincerity, Katie's spokesperson declared "Katie and Alex are delighted to announce they got married in a private, simple ceremony. Their decision to marry has not been made with any media deal in place. It is purely down to their love for each other." It's not often that a wedding announcement feels the need to point out that the couple are in love. I thought that was supposed to be the point.

While he was in the Big Brother house, Alex fell under the spell of Stephen Baldwin, who attempted to indoctrinate him in the teachings of the Bible. At the time, this made Alex look easily manipulated and rather foolish.

But maybe he's not just a used-to-be-pretty face. He claims that his newfound faith will help make his marriage work. Given that Katie is a 21st Century succubus, he's going to need all the supernatural assistance he can get...

Remember me?

I guess you can blame Leona. Once she took to the stage in the X Factor back in 2006, Simon forgot all about everyone else he was supposed to be working with. He was bewitched by those corkscrew curls and a voice that was more flexible than Madonna's yoga instructor. Poor old Shayne Ward never stood a chance.

He'd shot to fame the year before, when he won the show and, in the process, reassured Simon that Michelle McManus and Steve Brookstein were just temporary aberrations. With his earthy good looks (like Justin Timberlake with an ASBO) and powerful falsetto, he was an entire boyband compressed into one comely package.

His debut album managed to shift over half a million copies, with each new track carefully designed to follow the template of the more established songs he'd performed on the show. There was one that sounded like 'Unchained Melody', one that sounded like 'If You're Not The One' and one that sounded like 'Cry Me A River'. Given that he'd started out in a covers band called Destiny, it seemed that he hadn't progressed that far after all.

By the time Leona's world-beating album arrived at the end of 2007, Shayne was little more than a squeaky footnote in TV talent show history. His second album sold well, but the singles didn't do much to cement him in the public's consciousness.

Last year it was announced that Shayne's long-awaited third album would have to be even more awaited, as it was pushed back to May 2010. His fans took to the streets of Manchester in their tens to protest Simon Cowell's callous indifference, sporting homemade banners that wouldn't look out of place in a prison canteen riot. Voicing their fury, they sang "I don't know what I've been told/Wardy's album's still on hold/This just isn't good enough/We want him to do his stuff."

So they'll be delighted to hear that Shayne is finally taking control of his own destiny. With absolutely no ulterior motive, Shayne has thoughtfully posted a video clip on YouTube to try and raise awareness of the plight of people in Haiti. Speaking from the heart, and definitely not trying to raise his profile the cheapest way possible just weeks ahead of the release of his new album, Shayne said "I would just like to stress how devastated I am by the tragedies that have happened in Haiti. I urge everybody to donate as much as they possibly can to help the people out there."

Phoebe and Joey once had a heated debate about the nature of altruism, because Joey believed that there was no such thing as a truly selfless act. I think Shayne's thoughtful and considerate appeal for charitable benevolence should settle that argument once and for all.

Just say 'Noah'

One of last year's most beautiful and compelling movies was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Based on a (very) short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the film told the story of a man who aged in reverse - beginning his life as a little old baby and ending it as a youthful geriatric.

Although critics raved over the astonishing aging effects, it failed to register with many viewers on account of its preposterous premise. However, it only takes one look at Miley Cyrus' little sister Noah to realise that maybe David Fincher's fantasic fable wasn't quite so far fetched after all.

Given that she's only just turned ten years old, it's hardly surprising that she's yet to make as much of an impression on popular culture as her super-famous sibling. But all that's set to change as Noah and her cousin prepare to launch a clothing range that will bring their 'unique' sense of style to pre-teens everywhere.

Noah first raised eyebrows back in October, when she appeared at a Hallowe'en party with Emily Grace Reaves, looking like refugees from a documentary about child sex trafficking. Hallowe'en is all about celebrating horror, but this particular nightmare was just a little too real.

So if you'd like your kids to be more Lolita than Little Orphan Annie, you'll be delighted to know that you'll soon be able to send them off to the playground dressed like they're auditioning for the Folies Bergère.

Teaming up with the creepy sounding 'Ooh! La, La Couture', the girls have created a collection in a "trendy, sweet, yet edgy feel..." with a range of "versatile styles that can be worn with sweet ballerina slippers, funky sneakers or paired with lace stockings and boots for more of a rock and roll look.”

Aside from the whole 'sexualisation of children' issue, the real concern here is the fact these kids look awful. Noah seems to be learning make-up tips from Courtney Love, and fishnets and French maid outfits should never be seen outside of an Ann Summers window display. Then again, if the Cyrus family are willing to sell their kids on the open market, maybe they just figured they should dress them appropriately...