Remember me?

I guess you can blame Leona. Once she took to the stage in the X Factor back in 2006, Simon forgot all about everyone else he was supposed to be working with. He was bewitched by those corkscrew curls and a voice that was more flexible than Madonna's yoga instructor. Poor old Shayne Ward never stood a chance.

He'd shot to fame the year before, when he won the show and, in the process, reassured Simon that Michelle McManus and Steve Brookstein were just temporary aberrations. With his earthy good looks (like Justin Timberlake with an ASBO) and powerful falsetto, he was an entire boyband compressed into one comely package.

His debut album managed to shift over half a million copies, with each new track carefully designed to follow the template of the more established songs he'd performed on the show. There was one that sounded like 'Unchained Melody', one that sounded like 'If You're Not The One' and one that sounded like 'Cry Me A River'. Given that he'd started out in a covers band called Destiny, it seemed that he hadn't progressed that far after all.

By the time Leona's world-beating album arrived at the end of 2007, Shayne was little more than a squeaky footnote in TV talent show history. His second album sold well, but the singles didn't do much to cement him in the public's consciousness.

Last year it was announced that Shayne's long-awaited third album would have to be even more awaited, as it was pushed back to May 2010. His fans took to the streets of Manchester in their tens to protest Simon Cowell's callous indifference, sporting homemade banners that wouldn't look out of place in a prison canteen riot. Voicing their fury, they sang "I don't know what I've been told/Wardy's album's still on hold/This just isn't good enough/We want him to do his stuff."

So they'll be delighted to hear that Shayne is finally taking control of his own destiny. With absolutely no ulterior motive, Shayne has thoughtfully posted a video clip on YouTube to try and raise awareness of the plight of people in Haiti. Speaking from the heart, and definitely not trying to raise his profile the cheapest way possible just weeks ahead of the release of his new album, Shayne said "I would just like to stress how devastated I am by the tragedies that have happened in Haiti. I urge everybody to donate as much as they possibly can to help the people out there."

Phoebe and Joey once had a heated debate about the nature of altruism, because Joey believed that there was no such thing as a truly selfless act. I think Shayne's thoughtful and considerate appeal for charitable benevolence should settle that argument once and for all.

Caveat emptor

It's Saturday night, which can only mean one thing - another blog about the X-Factor. This time, I'd like to take a few moments to remember the original winner of the show, Steve Brookstein. 

When the X-Factor first arrived on the scene in 2004, no-one seemed too sure what to make of it. As the brainchild of Simon Cowell, it was created to fill the gap brought about by the end of Pop Idol. Although the Idol format had successfully shipped overseas (along with its most popular judge) it died a death here in the UK, following a showdown between two of the least likely finalists ever, Mark Rhodes and Michelle McManus. 

After Pop Idol, Mark went on to host undemanding children's TV shows, whilst Michelle (the second series' eventual winner) pooed in a plastic storage container for Gillian McKeith to poke at. Michelle also managed to squeeze out an album, during her short-lived time as victor, but audiences were decidedly underwhelmed. It didn't help that the songs sounded like the kind of material that even Jane McDonald would turn down. 

So Simon invented the X-Factor and the rest is TV history. Despite a stinging verbal attack by Elphaba Osbourne in the final, Steve Osbourne was bathed in silver sparkles as he crooned his winner's song - a cheesy cover of Phil Collins' already lactose-heavy Against All Odds. With his blue-eyed soul voice, and squint-eyed handsomeness, he looked a little like Top Cat's sidekick Benny, in a mid-priced suit. 

As Steve's mentor and producer, Simon was more concerned with winning the contest between the judges than he was with discovering an enduring music megastar. Steve's debut album was rush-released and crammed full of unimaginate covers. It shifted a few copies, but the lack of viable singles, and Steve's vague air of embarrassment at being involved in a TV talent contest, meant that his time in the spotlight was even shorter than Michelle's. Although we were at least spared the sight of him shitting into a food storage container. 

In the years that followed, the show's profile grew exponentially, introducing us to such luminaries as Shayne Ward (great voice but looked like Britain's hottest ASBO recipient), Leona Lewis, and Alexandra Burke. Leon Jackson was also there, but if winning the X-Factor gains you access to the music industry's most illustrious club, Leon will forever be handing out mints in the bathroom. 

Meanwhile, Steve kept plugging away, taking the independent route, and occasionally resurfacing to remind the world of Simon Cowell's Machiavellian machinations. He's now got a blog called 'Searching for Cheese - The ramblings of an insignificant man' - the title of which perfectly encapsulates his shoulder-shrugging indifference, which is why the audience at home never really connected with him. 

But in a classic case of 'protesting too much' Steve can't help but pick at the scabs which, five years on, really ought to be healing by now. He's smart enough to realise that he needs to "let go of the negative feelings", but can't resist talking about the "manipulation of the British people by the Godfather of Pop Schlop and propaganda". 

Whether he's recalling "how clever Simon is at getting what he wants", telling readers that they're being "force fed bullcrap", or decrying a "new world order via media manipulation", it's clear that there's a therapist somewhere who's going to be putting in some serious overtime sometime soon. 

Ultimately, it all feels a little like the obsessed ex who claims they're over you, and writes 15 status updates on Facebook to that effect every day. But what Steve doesn't seem able to acknowledge is the fact that his audience just weren't that interested. 

As Steve quite rightly infers, Simon's an entrepreneur who knows how to maximise his investment. But he also knows when he's bought a lorry-load of past-its-best fruit. That's usually the time when the smart businessman cuts his losses and makes a smoothie. Which is exactly what he tried to do with Steve the crooner.