Are friends electric?

Just a couple of days to go now until Hollywood unleashes its latest vacuous time-waster on an unsuspecting public. The two years that have elapsed since Transformers 2 have not been kind to the franchise's first sequel. Those of us unlucky enough to have sat through the last installment will remember very little of what went on, aside from some gross racial stereotyping and a retired robot with a giant pair of clanging bollocks - an apt metaphor for the series to date, if ever there was one.

So what can we expect from the final part of Michael Bay's epic trilogy of grinding mechanical hardwear? Well, if you enjoyed the previous films' endless scenes of whirring widgets and spinning cogs, you're in luck. The newest installment promises to be as enjoyable as working your way through a cutlery canteen with an angle grinder. With two and half hours of cyborg-on-cyborg action, there's enough hardcore engineering on display to give Isambard Kingdom Brunel a doughy.

And if you're already starting to feel that the sight of two twenty-foot robots smashing seven bells (literally) out of each other, is all getting a bit samey, this one's in 3D. Imagine that - it's going to be almost as much fun as laser eye surgery performed by Edward Scissorhands.

When the studio originally announced its plans to bring the Automats and Decepticons into the third dimension, Michael Bay proudly declared: "You can’t just shit out a 3D movie". And he should know, having staked his claim as the cinematic equivalent of a coprophiliac. Why polish a turd, when you can just distract audiences by showing it in three dimensions instead?

After a summer of big-budget disappointments, the pressure's on for Bay to deliver a genuine blockbuster. The marketing teams have been out in force, making sure that the press are covering every angle of the film's imminent release. And so far it seems to be working, as Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is rarely out of the papers.

It doesn't matter that her own parents would struggle to pick her out of a line-up, or that, by all accounts, she makes viewers long for the subtle nuances of Megan Fox - this generation's Katherine Hepburn. Fox has even popped up in the news coverage, despite having been dumped from the franchise, thanks to a timely leak that suggested Executive Producer Steven Spielberg had told Bay to fire the troublesome temptress. Career tip number one: don't compare your boss to Hitler if you want your contract to be renewed.

Hopefully, Paramount has learned its lesson after the marketing debacle that surrounded Revenge of the Fallen. Activating a bunch of fake Twitter accounts to talk up your movie is fine, but not if you're just going to cut and paste the same inane review. And someone should have pointed out to the new media intern given the thankless task, that Tweets only work if you have followers. Otherwise you're just wanking into the wind.

This time around, they're hoping to target the fanboys by announcing an official team-up with Chevrolet. If you've got 30 grand to spare, you can splash the cash on an exclusive 'Bumblebee' special edition of the Camaro. Available in two different models, the car features an authentic yellow paint job, with black stripes and a high-wing rear spoiler, plus Autobot logos throughout. Snazzy.

The radio won't select songs that articulate your interior monologues, and it's unlikely to be much use defending you against aerial attack. Even so, at least there's a chance that it might help you land yourself a hot girlfriend. But if you're spending 30k on a piece of movie memorabilia, you probably wouldn't know what to do with her, even if you were able to coerce her into the passenger seat. There are some things that even an extra-terrestrial intelligence can't fix.

Thanks for sharing

Last year it was Megan Fox who was gobbling up the column inches with an endless stream of borderline-incoherent egocentric rambling. Between the release of Transformers 2 and Jennifer's Body, it seemed that she couldn't open her pouty mouth without sticking a pair of Louboutins in there.

But Megan's motormouth is nothing compared with John Mayer, who just can't help embarrassing himself anytime someone waves a microphone in his general direction.

Although he's an acclaimed blues musician, John's media profile is largely thanks to the fact that he's been inside more Hollywood women than an egg-white omelette. Since 2006, when he began dating buxom brain-donor Jessica Simpson, John has become a tabloid staple. It reached a point where he felt the need to steer clear of drugs, clubs and red carpet events, as well as swearing off dating any more celebrities, since he felt that it was detracting him from his music.

He may have ditched the lifestyle, but he seems to be perfectly happy in the spotlight, and has been giving great copy to a bunch of journalists who must be thanking their lucky stars that there was enough tape in their dictaphone.

Amongst the recent revelations, he's told interviewers that he masturbates at an Olympian standard, has a 'white supremacist dick' and compared old-flame Jessica to "sexual napalm". Although I'm not sure whether that means she was incendiary and destructive, or just that he liked the way she smelled first thing in the morning.

He's even weighed in on his fellow celebrities, claiming that Tiger Woods' only mistake was being married: "Tiger Woods' problems come from him being married. The end. If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said 'I wanna wear your ass like a hat,' why would that ever hit the news?"

Unfortunately, this rambling, say-anything approach has finally landed him in hot water, with some racially charged language in a Playboy interview upsetting quite a few people. Given the fallout, it's hardly surprising that Mayer has tucked his overworked tail between his legs and apologised for forgetting what he's supposed to be famous for.

As well as grinding his Nashville concert to a halt to issue a tearful mea culpa to his audience, he took to twitter to explain his motivation: “It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it.”

He might not have the stomach for it, but old habits die hard. As he once sang on his debut album, “My stupid mouth has got me in trouble, I said too much again.”

Shut the Fox up

Back in June, before the release of this summer's most irritating (and inexplicably successful) blockbuster, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I wrote about Megan Fox's ability to speak fluent bullshit. She was talking up a storm, slating right-wingers and declaring herself a post-modern feminist, winning plaudits and putdowns in equal measure. But now, with another film to promote, her perfect pout seems to be getting her into more trouble.

Drumming up publicity for horror-comedy Jennifer's Body, from Juno writer Diablo Cody, the reigning FHM Sexiest Woman in the World decided to speak out about Transformers director Michael Bay in less than glowing terms. In an interview with Wonderland magazine, Megan compared Bay (a man who never met anything he didn't want to blow up) to some of the most notorious dictators in history.

"He’s like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is... I kind of really enjoy his personality because he’s so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all."

The editorial staff were no doubt delighted - after all, nothing drums up sales like a sensational soundbite. But not everyone was quite so happy with Megan's loose but fullsome lips.

Three anonymous members of the Transformers crew have taken the unprecedented step of writing an open letter to Ms Fox, posted on Bay's official website, labelling her as dumb as a rock. As well as talking about her sullen, petulant and ungrateful attitude, the letter ends stating "Megan really is a thankless, classless, graceless, and shall we say unfriendly bitch."

In her defence, Megan also commented during her Wonderland interview that she wonders about her own mental health, claiming: "I constantly struggle with the idea that...I'm a borderline personality, or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia." But like everything else that comes out of her mouth, this is more uninformed nonsense, according to clinical psychiatrist Dr. Paul Dobransky.

As the war of words continues, it falls to Michael Bay to play the tactful diplomacy card. Condemning both sides, he states: "I don't condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don't condone Megan's outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm." Hardly the temperament of an evil dictator, even if his back catalogue does constitute a crime against humanity.

Hello Joe, whaddya know?

Another week, another big-budget, would-be blockbuster being half-heartedly hawked by an indifferent star more famous for appearing in a state of undress. Last time it was PR liability Megan Fox, trying to concurrently promote and distance herself from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

This time around, there's another explosive popcorn-fest based on a popular range of toys, all that's changed is the gender of the star. Channing Tatum is a one-time Abercrombie & Fitch model who has managed to forge a reasonably successful acting career thanks to some moderately acceptable performances and the fact that he makes Greek gods feel insecure.

So here he is, headlining a smash-in-waiting, and the publicists manage to bag him a prominent cover feature with leading men's magazine GQ. So how does he talk up his latest opus, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra? He says "I hope it does OK." Brilliant.

The studio's marketing team must be absolutely cock-a-hoop at that glowing recommendation. If that's how excited he is about the biggest movie of his career to date, I can't wait for the DVD commentary - 100 minutes of grunting as Channing does a punishing regimen of ab-crunches, pausing occasionally to say "Oh yeah, I'm in this."

Still, Sienna Miller's no better. Despite the fact that no-one can recall anything she's ever done (other than Jude Law and Balthazar Getty), she confidently states "You know, GI Joe, it's not going to be the best acting work we've ever done." No Sienna possibly not. But going on your current form, it's the best chance you've ever had of actually being seen by a paying punter on the big screen.

They say any publicity is good publicity, and in the case of GI Joe it's probably the best they can hope for. After all, the film has been dogged with negative press for months. At one point the rumour mill reported that director Stephen Somers had been fired partway through filming. This is the man who gave us Van Helsing and The Mummy Returns, two films so bad that they're possibly in breach of the Geneva Convention.

Whatever happens, in a few short weeks we'll know whether this misfiring and underwhelming publicity campaign has worked or not. I imagine that the film's tagline is ringing in the marketing department's ears right now: "When All Else Fails, They Don't". We'll see.

Quote me on that

This is the spectacularly fit Megan Fox, the Hollywood starlet whose breakout role was playing the smoking hot tomboy love interest in Transformers. Her character did actually have a name, but no-one bothered to remember it, having suffered short term amnesia after seeing her repair a car engine in a crop-top and low slung jeans.

With the sequel 'Revenge of the Fallen' just days away from release, the world's sexiest woman (according to FHM readers at least) has been all over the press, inspiring brickbats and bouquets in equal measure. It seems that every time she opens her mouth she either says something staggeringly stupid, or strangely entertaining. Sometimes her comments are quite endearing, such as "Wonder Woman is lame. She flies around in an invisible jet, but she's not invisible. I don't get it." The fanboys who make up a healthy percentage of her target audience must think they've found their dream girl when they read comments like that. And when she said "I'm not promiscuous. I'm extraordinarily sexual within a monogamous relationship. Nothing's off-limits." I reckon they probably just locked themselves in the bathroom.

But she has also inspired the wrath of right wingers everywhere, commenting that the evil robots in the Michael Bay blockbuster should just "take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America."

So what to make of Megan's troublesome mouth? On the one hand, it's refreshing to have a young Hollywood actress who's unafraid to speak her mind. It's just a shame that she hasn't yet figured out how to be herself, without acting like she's got something to prove. She complains about actresses who need to mention their SATs to show how smart they are, only to then say "I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation." And she speaks unironically when she says that she was happy to play 'bikini girl' on the set of Bad Boys II, "I was going to a Christian high school and I wasn't a feminist yet."

More importantly, for a proto-feminist, she has a dim view of sisterhood, alleging that "women aren't good friends to one another". She also says that women assume she thinks she's hot shit, "And that makes them feel bad about themselves and so they hate me." I'm not sure that these are the kind of issues that keep Germaine Greer up at night.

Nonetheless, at least she gives good soundbite, and seems to be reasonably self-aware about the role that she plays in Hollywood. And if she manages to piss of a few right-wingers in the process, she gets my vote.