Just a couple of days to go now until Hollywood unleashes its latest vacuous time-waster on an unsuspecting public. The two years that have elapsed since Transformers 2 have not been kind to the franchise's first sequel. Those of us unlucky enough to have sat through the last installment will remember very little of what went on, aside from some gross racial stereotyping and a retired robot with a giant pair of clanging bollocks - an apt metaphor for the series to date, if ever there was one.
So what can we expect from the final part of Michael Bay's epic trilogy of grinding mechanical hardwear? Well, if you enjoyed the previous films' endless scenes of whirring widgets and spinning cogs, you're in luck. The newest installment promises to be as enjoyable as working your way through a cutlery canteen with an angle grinder. With two and half hours of cyborg-on-cyborg action, there's enough hardcore engineering on display to give Isambard Kingdom Brunel a doughy.
And if you're already starting to feel that the sight of two twenty-foot robots smashing seven bells (literally) out of each other, is all getting a bit samey, this one's in 3D. Imagine that - it's going to be almost as much fun as laser eye surgery performed by Edward Scissorhands.
When the studio originally announced its plans to bring the Automats and Decepticons into the third dimension, Michael Bay proudly declared: "You can’t just shit out a 3D movie". And he should know, having staked his claim as the cinematic equivalent of a coprophiliac. Why polish a turd, when you can just distract audiences by showing it in three dimensions instead?
After a summer of big-budget disappointments, the pressure's on for Bay to deliver a genuine blockbuster. The marketing teams have been out in force, making sure that the press are covering every angle of the film's imminent release. And so far it seems to be working, as Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is rarely out of the papers.
It doesn't matter that her own parents would struggle to pick her out of a line-up, or that, by all accounts, she makes viewers long for the subtle nuances of Megan Fox - this generation's Katherine Hepburn. Fox has even popped up in the news coverage, despite having been dumped from the franchise, thanks to a timely leak that suggested Executive Producer Steven Spielberg had told Bay to fire the troublesome temptress. Career tip number one: don't compare your boss to Hitler if you want your contract to be renewed.
Hopefully, Paramount has learned its lesson after the marketing debacle that surrounded Revenge of the Fallen. Activating a bunch of fake Twitter accounts to talk up your movie is fine, but not if you're just going to cut and paste the same inane review. And someone should have pointed out to the new media intern given the thankless task, that Tweets only work if you have followers. Otherwise you're just wanking into the wind.
This time around, they're hoping to target the fanboys by announcing an official team-up with Chevrolet. If you've got 30 grand to spare, you can splash the cash on an exclusive 'Bumblebee' special edition of the Camaro. Available in two different models, the car features an authentic yellow paint job, with black stripes and a high-wing rear spoiler, plus Autobot logos throughout. Snazzy.
The radio won't select songs that articulate your interior monologues, and it's unlikely to be much use defending you against aerial attack. Even so, at least there's a chance that it might help you land yourself a hot girlfriend. But if you're spending 30k on a piece of movie memorabilia, you probably wouldn't know what to do with her, even if you were able to coerce her into the passenger seat. There are some things that even an extra-terrestrial intelligence can't fix.
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