Oh grow up

Who'd want to be the child of a celebrity? Sure, there's the elaborate birthday parties, famous godparents and exotic overseas trips. Plus, you'll never have to go out in clothes that you made yourself in a home-economics class.

But then there's the other side of having parents who regularly feature in Entertainment Weekly. From the moment you're born, you'll endure enough flash photography to trigger an epileptic seizure, and have your every move scrutinised by a voracious media.

Just look at Suri Cruise - she's endured more wardrobe critiques than Lindsay Lohan, and she's not even in school yet. Having said that, little Suri will be kicking up those controversial kitten heels in delight, now that the press have finally found another A-list toddler to go after.

Life & Style Magazine ran an outrageous story last week claiming that Angelina Jolie is encouraging 'transgender' behaviour in one of her Benetton brood. According to the trashy tabloid, little Shiloh's short hair and gender-neutral clothing is a sure sign that she is being "repressed". They even drafted in a panel of experts to condemn "Shiloh’s shocking new look and masculine behavior.”

Here's a shocking news flash - kids like to dress up. Cowboy hats, fairy wings, superhero costumes - they're all fair game when you're a pre-schooler.

Maybe someone should have pointed this out to the editorial team at Life & Style they asked for expert opinion. Alana Kelen, senior fashion stylist at VH1 commented “Shiloh is pushing the boundaries of a tomboy look and crossing over to cross-dresser territory", whereas celebrity stylist Gili Rashal-Niv went one further, stating "I get that times are tough but does Angie really need to have Shiloh sharing clothes with her brothers? Hopefully we won’t be seeing Maddox in one of Shiloh’s dresses any time soon.”

With the concept of cross-dressing and gender displacement thus established, the magazine was then able to rope in a comment from foaming-at-the-mouth conservative group Focus on the Family, who can always be relied upon to kick someone when they're down (and claim religious freedom as they do it). Glenn Stanton, director of the group's Family Formation Studies expressed his concern for the children: "They need help, they need guidance of what that looks like. It’s important to teach our children that gender distinction is very healthy.”

Unfortunately, what no-one seems to be paying any attention to, is what Shiloh herself wants. When he recently appeared on Oprah, Brad told the housewives' President that his daughter would only respond to boys' names. “We’ve got to call her John. 'Shi, do you want…' she would interrupt with 'John. I’m John.' I’ll say, ‘John, would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’”

It's far too soon to know who, or what Shiloh will grow into. But it's good to know that she has parents who are happy to indulge her, as she explores the kind of child she wants to be. Not everyone's that lucky.

When Good News goes bad

Here's something that you probably won't find in Stuff magazine any time soon - a solar-powered Bible.

Although it sounds like a new punchline to the old idiom about uselessness (who even uses fireguards anymore?), it's actually a real thing. And the lucky people of Haiti now have one less item to stick on their Christmas list.

If you've been touched by the plight of the Haitians in the aftermath of the Earthquake, you may have felt compelled to donate money and help out in some small way. After all, if it's good enough for Saint Angelina...

But you have to question the logic of Faith Comes By Hearing, a charity based in New Mexico, which has decided that what the people of Haiti need most, is a solar-powered audiobook which can blast the word of God (in Haitian Creole no less) to crowds of 300 at a time.

In the words of 71-year old quake survivor Jacqueline Thermiti, "Of all the wars and revolutions and hurricanes, this quake is the worst thing God has ever sent us." Not quite, wait till she gets her care package from New Mexico.

Try to imagine it - you've lost all your worldly possessions and are relying on a mound of dead relatives to stave off the hungry rats. Wouldn't you prefer that any available money be spent on things like shelter, drinkable water and maybe some food?

Given that insurance companies are happy to lay the blame for earthquakes at the big guy's door, it's bitterly ironic that, according to FCBH, these audio Bibles "offer hope and comfort that comes from knowing God has not forgotten them through this tragedy."

Maybe they're just regular guys who can't resist a shiny new gadget. Perhaps they've got a whole cupboard full of wind-up mobile phone chargers, dancing flowerpots and plasma globes that seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, who could resist something that's "self-powered and can play the Bible in the jungle, desert or ... even on the moon!" Space gadgets - I'll take fifty!

As with all good Bible stories, there's a moral here. If you want to do your bit to help the poor and disenfranchised, try to pick a charity that doesn't come with strings attached. Giving with an agenda isn't really giving at all.

Not just a pretty face

Winner of the genetic jackpot and one half of the world's most lusted-after couple, Brad Pitt has been busy winning over the good people of New Orleans recently. Having set up the 'Make it Right' foundation in 2007 to build environmentally sustainable housing for those displaced by Hurricane Katrina, Brad has become something of a folk hero in his adopted home town. As a consequence, they're looking to repay the favour by campaigning for him to run as the next mayor of New Orleans.

It all started with an art professor called Thomas Bayer who set the ball rolling with a list called '13 Reasons Brad Pitt Should be the Next Mayor of New Orleans'. This inspired a local clothes retailer to print T-shirts emblazoned with 'Brad Pitt For Mayor'. And a grassroots campaign was born.

As with most stories invented by the media off the back of some sporadic viral activity, it's now got to the point where Brad has been expected to set the record straight, and he's done so in typically self-deprecating fashion. Speaking to Parade Magazine, he said "Yeah, I'm running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalisation and taxation of marijuana platform! No, I don't have a chance! It's not what I do best."

Last week, appearing on Bill Maher's Real Time, Brad further elaborated on his non-existent platform by talking through his problem with organised religion, "I never wanted to stop anyone else's religion and their beliefs until I started seeing it defining policy.... Like gay marriage. You have a group of people telling other people how to live their lives, and you can't do that."

In fact, the issue of gay marriage has long been a hot topic for Brad and Angie, since they have always claimed that they will not marry until it's made legal for everyone else. Clearly, Brad knows who buys his calendars.

Of course, not everyone likes Brad's opinions. For instance, Cam Cannon (writing on BigHollywood.com) is indignant about what he calls 'atheist anti-religionistas'. He worries that atheists like Brad never mention the great work that religions do in the name of charity, and that they spend all their time trying to convert people to their way of thinking. Thankfully though, before the irony-meter implodes, he acknowledges the fact that people of faith are just as guilty, rendering his whole article somewhat pointless.

It's highly unlikely that Brad will ever change his mind and run for public office, which is a real shame. As well as denying us the chance to see an elected official in People Magazine's 'World's sexiest' list, there's always the risk that, as long as he refuses to turn his back on acting, he could make another film like Seven Years in Tibet or The Devil's Own. And that's a future that doesn't bear thinking about.

Mother knows best

If you're not already familiar with her pouting puss, this is Nadya Suleman, currently one of the most recognisable faces in America. But her notoriety isn't because she happens to look like Angelina Jolie dressed as Pete Burns for halloween. She also has a uterus that's seen more action than Jerry Bruckheimer.

Suleman shot to fame back in January when she gave birth to a busload of babies, thanks to some heavy-handed fertility treatment and a hunger for fame. The media was quick to rename her 'Octomom', in reference to the octuplets she successfully delivered, although it actually made her sound more like a multi-limbed super-villain, rather than a woman with a more prolific womb than Mrs Walton.

Unfortunately, the tide of public opinion soon turned on Ms Suleman when it emerged that she already had a fairly extensive brood. In fact, the eight new arrivals were taken home to their six other siblings, all conceived through IVF. It didn't help matters that Nadya was also raising her kids single-handedly, and living on a combination of food stamps and disability payments.

At a time when most new mothers would be busy worrying about sleep deprivation, feeding patterns and sore nipples, Nadya was appointing the Killeen Furtney Group to handle her public relations. In early February she appeared on NBC in an exclusive interview, claiming that she wasn't selfish, and that society was 'unfairly judging her' because she was a single mother.

By cleverly politicising a peripheral issue, the opportunistic Octomom managed to avoid the wider concern behind the public's distrust. I'd hazard a guess that most people were more dubious about the motivations of a mother of six, who struggles to provide for the children she already has, actively seeking further IVF treatment.

So we should hardly be surprised to learn that Suleman has successfully negotiated a way of providing for her 14 offspring in the only way she knows how - by selling them to a TV network.

In a move that feels a lot like the parents who sold their children to travelling 'freak shows' in the nineteenth century, Nadya has signed with a British TV production company to make a new reality show. Each of the kids will earn $250 a day for the 71 planned days of filming over the next three years, netting the family somewhere in the region of quarter of a million dollars. No wonder Nadya's turned that trout-pout upside down.

When countless thousands of people are prevented from being loving parents by beaurocracy, legal restrictions, or messy seperations, it's infuriating to see how cavalier some people can be regarding the wellbeing of their children. Sadly, the ability to successfully carry a foetus to term does not automatically qualify someone as a good parent. That doesn't happen until after the baby's born. And Nadya's not off to a great start.