Seeing red

It’s the last taboo. Say it under your breath, and don’t let anyone hear. “Ginger”. Every other minority has had their day in the sun, but not the gingers. Although that’s partly because they’d fry like Christopher Lee. 

For some reason, it’s still OK to take a pop at our freckled friends. Maybe they need a few more redheaded representatives in positions of power. Look around – we’re not exactly over endowed with copper-topped role models. Nicole Kidman, once the world’s most famous ginge, soon ironed out the crimp and took to the bleach as soon as her bearding days were over.

They’ve been the butt of jokes for years, treated as second class citizens because of their vaguely transparent eyelashes, and now even scientists are getting in on the act. Shockingly, the director of a Danish sperm bank has been telling the press that he has no need for ginger spangle.

Apparently, supply far outstrips demand, which at least confirms the long-held belief that jaffas are indeed more juicy. But sadly, according to Ole Schou, "I do not think you chose a redhead, unless the partner - for example, the sterile male - has red hair, or because the lone woman has a preference for redheads. And that's perhaps not so many, especially in the latter case." So it’s sad that when it comes to choosing baby gravy, no-one’s interest in fuck a l’orange.

But have no fear, my carrotty comrades, there’s a ray of sunshine on the horizon – so I hope you’re wearing a high SPF. One place where a pint of red-top is just what the milkman ordered, is Ireland.

Schou told Danish newspaper Ekstrabladet that it sells like ‘hot cakes’ in the Emerald Isle. I guess that makes sense – there’ll always be a need for ginger-haired women to dance on hills in ads for the Irish tourist board, or pull pints in those Scrotey McKnacker theme pubs. They need to ensure that there are enough of both, in order to satisfy the hordes of American tourists who make a pilgrimage across the Atlantic every year, determined to ‘connect with their heritage’ because they once carpooled with a guy called Patrick.

You know, all of this unpleasantness could have been avoided if Lady Gaga had just remembered to include redheads in her anthem of universal acceptance - “Rejoice and love yourself today, ‘cos baby you were born this way.” Everyone else got a shout-out, even the ‘cholas’ and ‘Lebanese’. Then again, she can be forgiven for this tragic omission, since everyone knows that nothing rhymes with ‘orange’.