Saturday, 10 September 2011

Doing it for the kids

Spare a thought for all those women out there, whose own lives have amounted to little more than some jeans with an elasticated waist and a kitchen cupboard full of Kraft macaroni & cheese. Facing a life of lower middle-class drudgery and the likelihood of developing type 2 diabetes in their forties, they project all their frustrations and unfulfilled ambition onto their children. And thanks to shows like 'Toddlers and Tiaras', we get to rubberneck at the inevitable car crash.

Since the reality show first launched a couple of years ago, it's proved highly contentious - provoking fierce debate about whether or not it's appropriate to slather make-up all over kids who are so young they still require an afternoon nap. The parents, however, remain utterly oblivious to the offence they're causing, even as they stuff a fake pair of tits and some arse padding into their four year-old's sequinned dress.

A couple of weeks ago, Lindsay Jackson found herself in the firing line for giving her daughter a Dolly Parton makeover, which she laughed off by saying “It’s really funny when she comes out on stage they think it’s hysterical. They realize not only is she Dolly but she has the added enhancements just like Dolly has.” 

But Lindsay deserves a mother of the year award, compared with Wendy Dickey's pre-school atrocity - dressing her daughter as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Nothing says 'the innocence of childhood' like seeing a three year-old girl strutting around the stage dressed as a hooker, in a pair of black patent fuck-me-boots and midriff-baring two-piece.

Apparently little Paisley (that's not a name, it's a wallpaper pattern) was unaware of the character she was playing, but the same probably can't be said for the creepy trouser twitchers in the audience. According to an interview with TMZ, Wendy seemed more disappointed that TV channel TLC had edited out the "classy" outfit Paisely wore to represent Vivien's post-makeover look. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but there's nothing classy about a whore in posh frock.

Sounding more than a little defensive, Wendy argues that "I'm raising my child just as well as any mother does ... I take my kid to church every week ... at least I'm not forcing them into sports and getting my child injured like some parents. People need to look at their own family and what they're doing. I don't know why people are focusing so much on pageant moms when there's much more harmful things people are letting their children do!"

You know what? That's good enough for me. I'm convinced. Sending your kid to soccer practice IS worse than teaching your three year-old to charge fifty for a facial. So sign me up for Team Paisley. And while we're at it, let's brainstorm a few other classic film characters that can be adapted into costumes, before Paisley turns four and it all starts to go downhill.

Catherine Tramell

"She's evil! She's brilliant!", but she's also cute as a button when played by talented young Paisley Dickey. A confident walk, a skin tight white dress and no inhibitions, are all she needs to get that judging panel hot and flustered. Taking her cue from Sharon Stone's manipulative murderess, Paisley could chew on a chocolate cigarette or give the boys a flash of her day nappy. And if there's a talent segment, she can just have a crack at ice sculpting.

Iris "Easy" Steensma

Paisley's already demonstrated that, although she's a new face on the pageant circuit, she knows her way around the world's oldest profession. So Wendy missed a trick, so to speak, by not picking out a much younger streetwalker for her daughter to emulate. Jodie Foster was only fourteen when she played 12 year-old Iris, and it didn't do her any harm. A floppy hat and some red high heels should be enough to convince the judges that Paisley's worth shooting the president for.

Alex Forrest

She will not be ignored, especially if she takes to the stage wrapped in a bedsheet, with dramatically slashed wrists. As she does her twirl on the catwalk, Paisley just needs to show off a little crazy. That way, there's no chance that anyone will be able to deny their fatal attraction to this crimp-haired little bobby dazzler.

Cristal Connors

Las Vegas' premier Showgirl has been there, done that and worn the wet t-shirt. She knows that "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you" so Paisley had better start vajazzling her lower half unless she wants to be upstaged by a fetus in a bikini. Humour's a great way to win over an audience, so maybe she could do a comedy skit where she eats Doggie Chow. Failing that, she can flick champagne at the judges and tell 'em it's holy water.

Jenny from the Human Centipede

When you're up on that catwalk, you need to be able to express yourself without words. With the aid of a couple of dolls, wrapped in strategically placed bandages, Paisley will have to convey the horror of being forcefed a hot load of feces with just the turn of an immaculately plucked eyebrow. It might be a bit of a stretch, but it's the best way of standing out from the competition.

The pace of pageant life is relentless, so there's no time to waste. Get little Paisley into hair and make-up. Or better yet, get her into care.

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