Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Daddy's Little Girl

The Emerald Isle is getting all hot and flustered about the shocking news that former Miss World and quintessential ‘girl next door’ Rosanna Davison is planning to pose for Playboy. No doubt encouraged by the ‘six-figure’ sum she scored for gig, Rosanna is pretty sanguine about it, telling the press “When I am old and wrinkly I will have shots like these to look back on. It will be as tasteful as possible. I want it to be classy." That’s the sound of Razzle’s editors kicking themselves at the missed opportunity – at least I hope that’s what they’re doing.

The Irish Independent is cautiously supportive of Rosanna’s enterprising venture, although clearly concerned by the thought that some hot-shot photographer is going to deflower their Irish rose. “Playboy means sex”, they warn sternly, like a Catholic School nun trying to teach sex education without mentioning any unmentionables, “It is generally full-frontal, occasionally air-brushed nudity”.

Rosanna’s also happy to report that she has the full support of her boyfriend and her family. Although let's hope she doesn't make too big a deal out of the fact, for fear of flagging up who her dad happens to be. No-one wants to relax into a multi-page pictorial feature, only to be reminded of Chris De Burgh and his Tender Hands. No matter how teasingly she poses, there’s always the danger that fans reading the magazine too closely might just catch a glimpse of Chris in her comely features. Moments later, their brain will be picturing her showing off a set of eyebrows that could help Andy Serkis get into character.

That's the problem with the progeny of famous people - all that nepotism does a body good, but if you catch them from the wrong angle, you're suddenly reminded of their unattractive genetic heritage. With this in mind, let’s take a look at some of other apples that have fallen worryingly close to the family tree.

Liv Tyler

According to legend, Liv Tyler spent the first decade of her life completely unaware of her rock star heritage. Her mother, ex-Playboy Playmate Bebe Buell, told her than she was Todd Rungren's daughter, only for Liv to spot a distinctive family resemblance when she met Steven Tyler's other daughter. In fact, the similarities are unmistakable, from the pale complexion and long dark hair, to a mouth that could bite Robert Shaw in half. Steven may be a rock god, with the power to even make American Idol watchable again, but let's be honest - the dude looks like a lady. And despite her winsome appeal, Liv looks a lot like the dude.

Miley Cyrus

Flighty, feisty, and about as classy as a Pot Noodle full of fag-ends, Miley's grown up fast. A couple of years ago she was still a glitter-spangled product of the House of Mouse. Now, at the grand old age of nineteen, she's like the world-weary stripper who has to show the new girl the ropes. Repeatedly scandalising Middle America with her age-inappropriate raunch, Miley is determined to follow in Britney Spears' lolloping footsteps. Disney clearly forgot to reset this one’s neural net processor when she rolled off the production line. The problem is, her Dad's never too far away - so you might just be enjoying some quality time together when Billy Ray pops his head round the door, leaving you with an achy, breaky boner.

Kate Hudson

Despite showing early promise, with an Oscar nod for her role as fucked up groupie Penny Lane in Almost Famous, Kate Hudson has squandered whatever goodwill she accumulated by appearing in a relentless onslaught of mediocre rom-coms. The female equivalent of Matthew McConaghey, there’s no role too underwritten, or female stereotype too offensive, for Kate to turn her hand to. She also seems perfectly happy to play up the genetic similarities to her mother, which would be fine if she had even a trace of Goldie Hawn’s appeal. Instead, all she inherited was a sunken smile, bulging cheeks and hair that’s less “just been fucked” and more “had to use the dog’s brush”.

Lily Collins

The rising star of next year's retelling of Snow White, opposite Julia Roberts, Lily Collins is smart, beautiful and talented. In her relatively short career she's already been a magazine correspondent, a model and a TV reporter, with many celeb-spotters rightly picking her out as the next big thing. There's just one tiny catch - she sends Father's Day cards to Phil Fucking Collins. If you can handle the idea of making awkward small talk with the stroppy, bald tax dodger, fill your boots. My hope is that something happens on the way to heaven, you change your mind and get the last bus home. Missed again? think yourself lucky.

Petra Ecclestone

Chalk this one up to good fortune - Petra inherited her mother’s striking looks and her Dad’s property portfolio. Just imagine if it had gone the other way. Billionaire Bernie might be worth a few bob, but standing on the arm of his statuesque wife, he tends to look like Sooty in a Mr Majeika wig. Don't be fooled by Petra's current photogenic appearance, Bernie's DNA is going to have to make an appearance at some point. And let’s face it, unless you’re carrying Perseus’ reflective shield, you don’t want to be around when that day comes.

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