Not a lot of people know that...

...Michael Caine's a Fidiot. Sorry, that's short for fucking idiot.

He's in town (London for those who live elsewhere) filming Harry Brown, playing a grizzled ex-military man who goes vigilante in response to petty gangsters terrorising his neighbourhood - which all sounds alarmingly like Clint Eastwood's recent Gran Torino. Anyway, he's filming on the mean streets of 'Ackney and is horrified at the crime and violence he's seen "very close at hand".

You see, Michael understands society's ills and knows what's causing all the problems. It's drugs. Not the good kind of drugs that actors and film makers and pretty much everyone in the media industry use, but the ones that people on council estates use. Discussing his recent experiences, Michael told The Sun "We were shooting in Hackney and someone local came up to me and said, 'Welcome to Crackney!'" Now call me old fashioned, but if I was in Hackney and managed to get some lighthearted wordplay AND a friendly welcome out of a complete stranger, I'd be over the moon.

But not Michael. No, he longs for the good old days. Apparently, young Maurice Micklewhite grew up in "a gentler time", when the vicious gangsters at least had the decency to hold 'professional' status, and chose who they hit and robbed. Similarly, Michael's disgusted that these drug addicts commit random violence. In Michael's day, one would fight the people in the next street, which was much better. And there were alcoholics who got pissed, but at least they didn't do drugs. Some addictions must be better than others I guess. We just won't mention the fact that around 3.5 million people used drugs in the last year, whereas 8.2 million people have an alcohol disorder.

So to sum up, the good old days were when people got drunk, had fights and the gangsters were more organised about who they attacked. Certainly sounds like heaven to me.

Can we have our eighties back please?

That Sonia post, as chuckle-worthy as it was, actually cast my mind back to the music I listened to in my formative years. The late Eighties were a great time for pop - the Pet Shops and Erasure were on fine form, house music was successfully merging soul, funk and disco, and SAW ruled the airwaves. Between the three of them, Stock, Aitken and Waterman managed a staggering run of over 100 top 40 UK singles. But success does not always guarantee happiness, especially for those who miss out on their share.

Pity poor 'Mixmaster' Pete Hammond. He worked with SAW throughout their golden period, contributing his trademark sound to every record that left the Hit Factory. He was always credited as having mixed the track, but he feels his contribution was greater. And to be honest, the evidence that has emerged recently suggests he may have a point...

SAW fans like me were delighted to hear that he'd resurected his trademark sound last year in remixing bouncy Danish popsters Alphabeat's single Boyfriend. Then we heard the track, and marvelled at how it wouldn't have sounded out of place on Bananarama's Wow! album. See for yourself...

Alphabeat - Boyfriend



This year, a second piece of evidence came to light - Pete's stunning remix of Velvet's Euro-hit 'Chemistry'. Again, the cowbells and handclaps take pride of place, as do the ropey sampling vocal effects. If I close my eyes, I'm sipping cider through a straw and begging my Mum for a pair of Pod shoes.

Velvet - Chemistry



So there you have it - he was the missing letter. SAW should have been SHAW. Or WASH. On second thoughts, that sounds a bit gross.

M'Lud, the prosecution rests.

Too close for comfort

Mickey and Sylvia got it right in 1957 when they famously sang 'Love is Strange'. Because it is. It's weird and frightening, obsessive and confusing. So all those compilations that weigh down the CD shelves between Valentine's Day and Mother's Day kind of miss the point with their 'raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens' view of love. Thankfully, there are songs out there which understand the darker side of love, although frequent airplay has, in most cases, negated their power and impact. So here are three of them that will make you think twice, next time you get that floaty, fluttery feeling in your stomach. If you're lucky, it won't be love, just amoebic dyssentary.

Every Breath You Take - The Police

Predictably found on pretty much every Romantic compilation ever pressed, this is actually a disturbing and oppressive song about a jilted lover turned stalker. Director Lewis Teague understood the song's haunting power when he used it on the soundtrack of his Stephen King anthology Cat's Eye, during a scene when James Woods' paranoia takes hold at a dinner party.



Possession - Sarah McLachlan

Another one that sounds like it ought to be a love song, but is actually a doom-laden threat. "And I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away."
Here again is the theme of suffocation, literal and metaphorical. Cheery isn't it? In this live performance, Sarah McLachlan talks about the inspiration behind this cold but beautiful song.



You'll Never Stop Me From Loving You - Sonia

And now for something truly terrifying. Look past the rigor mortis grin, the ginger top-knot and the horrendous choreography, and you'll find a song of pure, unadulterated horror. I'd like to think that when Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction wasn't losing her mind to Madame Butterfly, she was probably dancing around her trendy apartment like this little scouse nutter.
"Even when you're home you won't pick up your phone and take my call...
When I know that you're alone I wander to your home to catch a glimpse or two."
This woman needs medication and restraints - she's a danger to herself and others.
She...will...not...be...ignored.

Please Sir, Can I Have Some Cancer?

According to Digital Spy, Michelle Bass has been 'rocked by a cancer scare'. Now, I'm not for a second trying to suggest that cancer is anything but a terrifying ordeal for everyone it touches, but seriously, is this what it's come to?

For those finding fame's fickle finger pointing elsewhere, cancer is now the ultimate inroad to lucrative interviews, front page spreads and exclusive magazine deals. Tellingly, Michelle comments that, although she wasn't on the same Big Brother as Jade Goody, she knows her because they have the same agent. Colour me surprised.

What's particularly creepy is the fact that, following in Jade's footsteps, the press have been notified before tests are conducted to determine whether the cancerous cells have spread.

On the same weekend that Kerry Katona announces the breakdown of her marriage, and the launch of her new TV show 'Kerry Katona: The Divorce', I find myself wondering how long until we'll be able to press the red button to decide whether our favourite celebrities live or die.

The record industry hates you

Many of the music blogs I visit are all about highlighting great new music. For people like me, it's often the only way to discover new schlager and hard-to-find mp3s of long-deleted tracks. They share music through links to download services such as ZShare or Rapidshare, and in doing so, they're breaking the law.

In setting up this blog, I made a conscious decision that the music I post would be YouTube performances, to avoid any contentious music rights or illegal file sharing issues. But I resent the music companies for putting me in this position. After all, if I want someone to hear how good a song is, I'd rather they hear a high bit-rate version, rather than a youtube clip where the audio's been compressed into oblivion. Still, unless I want the piracy police knocking down my door, I've no option. Which is pretty damn stupid.

As marketing budgets shrink and record labels look for ways to slash spend, they need grass roots campaigners to do the hard work for them. It's the passionate fans and dedicated listeners who go out there and drum up support for the artists. But to do so, they have to share the product, so that people know what it is. And yet the short-sighted music companies think that these people are the enemy.

That may sound melodramatic, but they really do treat music fans with contempt. For example, they get pissy around filesharing and downloads, and then release 'special editions' of the year's best selling albums, on the back of a few scraps of extra content. They expect that the fans will buy a whole new CD for a couple of new tracks.

There's another issue as well. Music rights. So much of the music I discover online and enjoy is from outside of the UK. And yet the labels think it's smart to restrict availability. They block tracks on Spotify, they limit regions on iTunes, or they just flat out fail to release stuff in the UK.

This means that once people's appetites have been whetted, they're keen to consume, but told they're not allowed. Is it really any wonder they turn to filesharing, torrents and illegal downloads to find the music they love? Given the option of a legal alternative, this problem would disappear overnight.

As Seth Godin pointed out recently at a seminar in London, music companies are in the music business, not the CD business. They need to remember that, and focus their commercial efforts around the content, rather than the medium. If they made it available in every region, and updated those otherwise unavailable back catalogues, there'd be a whole lot less piracy.

In the meantime, we're stuck with YouTube clips. Happy viewing...

Five more from the PSB

OK, so I started my top ten Pet Shop Boys tracks, only posted five, and then forgot about it. So here, belatedly, is the rest of the list.

6) A Red Letter Day (Motiv8 remix, original version from 'Bilingual'

Apparently one of Elton John's favourite songs by PSB, this track was heavily influenced by Russia, rather than the warmer latin themes that run through the rest of the Bilingual album. A sweet song about someone waiting to hear their partner say they love them, this is probably the catchiest song on Bilingual, and the most obvious choice for a single. Rather than the album version, which features the Moscow choir and a much moodier arrangement, I've gone for the Motiv 8 remix, which is much more mid-90s poppers-o-clock, and suits the relatively upbeat (for the Pet Shop Boys at least) tone of the song.




7) Here (PSB Extended Mix), from 'Disco 3'

Another remix - but one by the boys themselves, so we can only assume that this incarnation was part of their original vision for the song. In an interview in 2003 they said that the album version felt like a "day one sort of recording" and that it had disco potential.

The song itself was originally written for the musical 'Closer To Heaven', and talks about the non-biological families that we find ourselves becoming a part of. "We all have a dream of a place we belong, where the fire is burning and the radio's on" sings Neil comforingly. The tune is anthemic, and in this remixed version has a wonderfully joyous reprise of the main melody. Definitely the stand-out track on both 'Release' and 'Disco 3'.



8) You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk, from 'Nightlife'

The boys were obviously in a long title kind of mood when making 'Nightlife', what with this and 'I don't know what you want but I can't give it anymore' surely making for two of the longest single titles ever released. And a weird alternative to their one-word album titles. Anyway, what of the song? It actually reminds me of Sue Townsend's fantastic Adrian Mole diaries, in particular a moment when the troubled teenager comments that his mother never shows him affection when she's sober. As Neil and Chris admit in the sleeve notes, we're left hanging as to whether the inebriated sentiment is sincere or not. But I'm a romantic, so I'll assume that they mean what they say, but they need some social lubricant to get the words out.

Here's the boys performing it on Top of the Pops.



9) I Want A Lover, from 'Please'

Urgent, impatient and coldly electronic. This is about as sexual as Neil Tennant gets, which admittedly feels a little like being molested by a robot. He's picked someone up in a bar and he's keen to whisk them away as quick as possible. There's a real raw sense of mid-Eighties irresponsible promiscuity to this song, which makes it feel like a compelling time capsule of a long-lost era.



10) One In A Million, from 'Very'

It's hard to pick a stand out song on 'Very' since there were so many fantastic nuggets of pop joy. But this feels particularly anthemic, as it portrays someone begging their partner not to leave them. As with many of the boys' most upbeat tracks, this is actually about a relationship's end, and someone's denial about the state of affairs, but still manages to leave you with a big goofy grin on your face. And that's the magic of the Pet Shop Boys - you don't always know what you're supposed to be feeling, but you're always feeling something.

A nation of idiots

Sometimes I despair for my country. I can't think of a nation that celebrates and endorses mediocrity quite as well as the UK. Would any other nation rally round a piss poor tennis player or a short-sighted ski jumper unfamiliar with snow, who flew with all the grace of a lobbed brick. Likewise, when a competition takes place on TV, we think it's a good idea to root, not only for the underdog, but the shittest competitor. After Jon Sergeant-gate gripped the nation, I thought we might all take a reality check and remind ourselves that competitions are supposed to identify the most talented. But no. As ITV's Dancing on Ice spirals to its inevitable conclusion, we face the extraordinary likelihood of Coleen Nolan being hoisted into the rigging on invisible wires for the final. Don't get me wrong, Coleen seems quite likeable, if a little half-hearted. But I just don't get why the British public seem to enjoy keeping the inescapably hopeless in talent contests. I foolishly thought that we'd seen an end to all that when we bade farewell to Todd Carty, when in fact he simply bequeathed his status of 'most shit' to the dumpy Coleen.
I know it's only Dancing on Ice - it's not like anyone died. But look back at other shows and you see a worrying pattern emerge. Eoghan Quinn. The MacDonald Brothers. What is it with us? And who picks up the phone to vote for these hopeless shitheads? Do they think they're being ironic? Or do they genuinely enjoy watching someone perform with all the talent and finesse of farting pig?
Anyway, rant over. Just remember, next time some god-awful TV presenter reads out a list of torturous puns imploring you to vote for your favourite, please remember that some people have to sit through this shit week after week, and would rather be entertained than mortified.

Sweden decides

Well, it's all over bar the shouting. Sweden has selected opera singer Malena Ernman to represent them in Moscow this year. Although I think I would have preferred Alcazar as ambassadors for the schlager nation, I think Malena is a wise choice. It's catchy as all hell, impeccably performed and distinctive enough to stand out from 20 or so other songs. Sung in English, with a chorus in French, it has twice the chance of connecting with audiences lyrically, even if the lyrics themselves aren't exactly challenging. Most importantly though, opera aside, this song is schlager through and through.



The song was written by Fredrik Kempe, who has a strong schlager heritage, having composed and sung Finally five years ago at Melodifestivalen. Since then, he's also written Cara Mia and Hope and Glory for Måns Zelmerlöw and Hero for Charlotte Perrelli, which won last year's competition but fared poorly at Eurovision.

If you listen to La Voix though, you'll hear how closely it follows the well established schlager template: verse chorus verse chorus bridge key change chorus high note. Plus, there are camp dancers,a wind machine and even a swirly camera effect - thanks for that SVT. It's a great song and a fine ambassador for schlagerhood, let's see how it does in Moscow...

Alcastars

The pop world is all about triumphant returns. Kelly Clarkson is currently riding high on the crest of a comeback that would have Lazarus jealously complaining to his agent. But there's another recent comeback that's got me even more excited. Let's hear it for Alcazar, or at least, the half of Alcazar that remains. The fact is, their current line up is exactly what was needed, if their current Melodifestivalen entry is anything to go by.
It's easy to forget that Alcazar have only actually released two albums, they seem much more prolific than that. But two albums it is, although a third is just days away. If I'm really honest, their albums haven't been that great - a couple of fantastic singles, one or two quirky album tracks, and a whole lot of dull shit.
But then there's Stay The Night. Far and away their strongest melody, and a thumpingly good arrangement (Amii Stewart's on the phone - she wants her drums back), they sang the hell out of it and danced their little heinies off. If I'm honest, this is the one that ought to win tomorrow, simply because of how much they put into it.



Nice colour scheme too.

Welcome to my blog

OK, so no-one's reading yet. That's fine, I hardly expected to rule the internet with a blog that doesn't even know what it wants to be. Anyway, as Sweden prepares to select its Eurovision entry, I wanted to take a look at some of my favourites from this year.
First up was something of a surprise for me. Jonathan Fagerlund has skirted around the periphary of my brain with a couple of tuneful but low-key songs. Pleasant enough in a tuneful McFly sort of way. And yet, as I listen to the Melodifestivalen CD on a pretty much continuous loop, I find myself coming back to Jonathan's unsuccessful entry.



With a shout out chorus, irritatingly memorable lyrics (driving in the fast lane, living out loud) and a pleasingly inoffensive arrangement, this track is a real grower. And I'm loving it. Not sure he looks too great in the video, but then, we can't all be Måns Zelmerlöw now, can we?