The winner is...

Now it's Joe's turn to struggle through The Climb. Only he's making it sound easy - which is why he really needs to win this. Simon looks much more interested in this version (he's actually watching it). Here's the choir, and here's the key change. It's all coming together - Hannibal Smith couldn't have planned it better himself.

The judges are falling over themselves to tell Joe how great he was. Cheryl's also doing her amazing voice wobble - nothing gets those voting fingers working like seeing our National Treasure on the verge of tears. She hasn't had much luck in her life, we'd better hit the phones. Oh dear, seeing Joooooooo's sassy old Nan has tipped her over the edge, it's a make-up catastrophe.

Now say 'hello to George Michael who's popped up to do his cheesy Christmas song. He gave it away for free last Christmas (along with his heart), but this year, rather than give it to someone special, he's charging for it. He's singing it very nicely. It's all about Jesus coming to stay - he's probably a better houseguest than the extended family, and less likely to complain that the sprouts are underdone.

The next guest "practically invented pop music". Amadeus?. Elvis? No, it's Sir Paul McCartney. The man who gave us Wonderful Christmas Time. Thanks for that. He's tried to recapture his Beatles look, but would be more at home on the 'men who look like old lesbians' website. Of all the great songs he wrote, he's decided to open with Baby You Can Drive My Car. Now he's doing Live And Let Die. It's better but his voice is wobbling as though his piano stool has been set on vibrate. Someone also needs to have a word with the guitarists, it's not their show.

Lines are closed, ads are finished, shouting lunatics placated. Ten million votes have been counted and the lights are down. Joe's giving prayer-face and Cheryl looks more nervous than he does.

And the winner of the X-Factor is... Cheryl Cole. Oh, and Joe. I'm guessing that those stories about Cheryl leaving the X-Factor may be a smidge premature, don't you? Joe can't stop grinning, but that could just be the teeth. Insincere air kiss between Dannii and Cheryl, but then she's too busy nestling in Simon's burly chassis. Rachel just grabbed Joe's microphone to give him a shout out, but it was all about her.

Now, who's up for a live blog about Susan Boyle? Kidding!

Twist and shout

Olly's favourite song from the whole series is Twist & Shout. Seriously. It's fine if you're Ferris Bueller, but a little bit lightweight for an X-Factor final. Simon still hasn't picked up on the percentage joke - hopefully he can enroll in a remedial maths course when the series is over.

It's an Olly performance, so that means glib vocals, silly footwork and twenty dancers - the producers are certainly getting their money's worth out of them. They're doing the Thriller dance (again) which seems even more incongruous this time around. Louis is wearing his little bow-tie, bless. He couldn't look more like a tit if he had a giant nipple on his head. Simon says Olly was so good that their could be an upset tonight, which is his roundabout way of saying that he's backing Joe too. Trying to follow the live VT in Colchester is rather like having a phone conversation in the doorway of a nightclub - not a pleasant experience.

This li'rally could change Joe's life forever. So he's changed his hairstyle and he's belting out Don't Stop Believin' which sounds great but its lyrics don't really suit an 18-year old from South Shields. The judges have all risen for Joe (no jokes about Louis here). "Small town boy", "You've never let go", are the judges all speaking in song lyrics tonight? That would be fun. The mayor of South Tyneside and his wife look like they broke down on the way to the golf club, but they're yelling along with the great unwashed, so it's all good.