He shoots, he scores

With the UK football season pretty much over, the players will be wondering what to do with their summer. Obviously there's the small matter of the World Cup for many of them to contend with. Others will be looking at transfer options or heading down to Carphone Warehouse in search of an all-inclusive SMS package.

Over in Barcelona, however, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Gerard Pique may be more interested in convincing the world of their potent heterosexuality. Having been papped in a 'clinch' that seemed a little too 'up close and personal' the rumour-mill has gone into overdrive suggesting that the players might be striking in each other's box.

There have been a number of high profile 'coming out' stories in the last year from the world of sport. Hurling goalkeeper Donal Óg Cusack struck a blow for gay visibility in Ireland, followed soon after by Gareth Thomas, who was pleasantly surprised by the encouragement and support he received from his rugby teammates.

At the time, people wondered whether we might see a professional footballer off the bench and out of the closet, but that looks pretty doubtful for now.

As speculation mounts about the connection between Ibrahimovic and Pique, reporters have begun questioning the Swedish star about his new striking partnership. And he's not too happy about it.

One TV reporter managed to corner Zlatan and asked outright whether he was gay. His response was "Come to my house with your sister and see if I'm a queer."

OK, a couple of issues here. Firstly, it's a little weird that a reportedly happily married man's first response to this kind of question would be to invite a female reporter to take part in an incestuous threesome.

Couldn't he just have mentioned his wife? Or are double-enders now as integral to the world of football as oranges at half time?

Then again, maybe his blunt response proves nothing at all. It's only our dirty minds that assume that Zlatan was proposing anything untoward. Perhaps he was suggesting a good old-fashioned girly sleepover. You know the sort of thing - cosmopolitans, Ben & Jerry's and a sneak preview of Sex and the City 2.

In which case, he really needs to work on his denial strategy.

Jesus loves her - it's a start

Carrie Prejean has been back in the news recently, promoting her rush-released autobiography that pitches her as a modern day Jeanne D'Arc, a heroic young woman persecuted for her faith. Carrie first thrust herself into the public consciousness when she inadvertently painted herself as the slutty poster child for the 'traditional marriage' movement in this year's Miss USA contest.

Carrie had originally been crowned Miss California, but lost her glittery title for alleged breach of contract. However, the perky pageant princess argued that she was being discriminated against on religious grounds and filed a libel suit against the contest organisers. Although she was happy to portray herself as the victimised innocent, Carrie was also quick to leverage her time in the spotlight into a semi-permanent media role as a spokesbimbo for the groups wishing to outlaw gay marriage.

Pageant officials weren't too happy about being sued by a woman whose funbags they'd paid for, especially one with all the likeability of Uday Hussein, so they countersued to recoup the costs of Carrie's augmented assets.

Last week the case was finally settled out-of-court, as it emerged that the pageant officials had a copy of a sex tape featuring the imbecilic ingenue. According to those who've seen it, and not jabbed their eyes out with knitting needles, the video features Carrie giving a solo performance that was intended for her boyfriend at the time. Reports suggest that there are also other 'materials produced by her in the same period that were similarly erotic in nature'.

Clearly, Carrie's adventures in auteurship don't do her 'holier-than-thou' reputation any favours, which explains why the lawsuit was dropped quicker than a blind juggler's balls. Still, Carrie has a book to plug, which explains why she appeared on Larry King Live holding up a copy of 'Still Standing' like a guest presenter on QVC.

Larry clearly hadn't read the handling notes that came with his guest, and made the mistake of interviewing her instead of simply turning the camera on and instructing her to sell hard. Carrie was so incensed by Larry's probing (her video proves that's something she prefers to do for herself) that she repeatedly called him "inappropriate" and attempted to unhook her microphone.

Sadly, she wasn't smart enough to realise that 'storming out' involves leaving one location and traveling to another. Instead, she sat at the interview desk smiling like a lunatic and pretending she couldn't hear Larry's questions.

But not all interviews are so unpleasant for the sanctimonious strumpet. She was much happier to be interrogated by the nice folks at Christianity Today, who asked how she reconciles her cosmetic surgery with her traditional beliefs. Her informed response: "I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants." Oddly enough, the Bible also made no mention of gay marriage, but that didn't stop Carrie using it to condemn the concept.