The thrill of the chaste

The other day I wrote a post about a dubious article in the Mail attempting to convince women that they don't really want equality in the workplace, because all they're really interested in is 'marrying up'. Depressingly, the paper followed up that story with another piece that gave its female readership 12 reasons to distrust their menfolk.

Rather than take a positive approach, and advise people on how to strengthen their relationship, the Mail chose to set off a series of psychological distress flares. Earn more than your husband? He'll go off and fuck the au pair. Is he working long hours? He's probably doing his secretary in the stationery cupboard. And if he's been married before, well, you might as well give the ex-wife keys to your house, because that bitch is already rumpling your bed linen. And she hates your curtains.

But have no fear, because help is at hand, courtesy of those ingenious folks at CB-6000. They're the self-proclaimed 'world leaders in male chastity', and offer a number of innovative solutions to keep your fella's fella under lock and key.

Taking their inspiration from the clunky medieval contraptions designed to keep women's virtue intact, these snug devices encase the right honourable member in plastic. Suddenly, man's real best friend is out of bounds until you say so.

Obviously, there are issues of emasculation to consider here. So the thoughtful designers have created a range of finishes to ensure that your man still feels all man, even if he can't actually feel his old man.

There's a beautiful carved model that gives new meaning to the term "getting wood". And if hubby's a military man, you might want to invest $160 in the special camouflage edition. Now that the US government has finally repealed DADT, countless soldiers will want to protect their privates from other privates' prying eyes. Plus, it even matches their workwear - everyone's happy.

According to the company's website, the devices aren't just for keeping wayward husbands on the slightly-crooked and narrow - they can also be used to spice things up in the bedroom: "In reality the majority of customers purchasing a male chastity device fall into two main groups: either fetish devotees or couples interested in expanding their sexual experiences with chastity play."

It all sounds like a great idea. But surely, couples interested in "chastity play" could save themselves a bunch of money by just taking it in turns to claim to have a headache and sleeping in the spare room.

It's (still) a man's world

Blame it on the popularity of Downton Abbey and Upstairs Downstairs. The heady stew of crinoline and corsets has got people regressing back to the good old days, when men were men, and women had to leave the room to blow their nose. 

Whilst millions of people peered through their fingers at the depiction of a world where the 'help' had to ask permission to swoon in front of their employer, the editorial team at the Daily Mail was hanging out the celebratory bunting at the fond memories it brought back.  So perhaps we shouldn't be too surprised that this nostalgia for the way things used to be, has inspired them to ramp up their campaign for a return to old-fashioned values. 

Take women in the workplace for example. In the Mail's eyes, women serve two purposes - scribbling poisonously homophobic columns, or cleaning the offices once the journalists have gone to the bar. So they're delighted to discover that women don't really want to be working anyway. According to a new survey, they'd rather be raising kids, so that Mr Big can go out and earn the big bucks. 

Across the country Champagne corks are popping, as beleaguered bosses are realising that they can finally throw out all those diversity training handbooks. No need to worry about how many women hold a place on the board; they're happier cleaning up yellow shit. 

Let's all raise a glass to Dr Catherine Hakim, who's produced incontrovertible evidence that ladies have no business in the workplace. Her research on behalf of the Centre for Policy Studies shows that "men dominate the top positions because women simply do not want careers in business". Glad someone cleared that up. 

Instead, the majority of women prefer to "marry up", finding a husband who brings home a bigger pay packet. Rather shockingly, more women feel this way than in the 1940s. Although I'm not sure how many women would have dared to imagine that they might earn more than their partners 70 years ago. 

Dr Hakim states that "Research evidence consistently shows that most husbands are the main bread winners in their family and that most mothers would prefer not to have competing demands of family work and paid jobs." She would have said more, but she had to get home to put the dishwasher on. 

Political implications aside, this is yet another academic study designed to confirm what everybody already knows. Given the choice, I'm sure most people would be happy to keep the whisky decanter topped up, leaving the hard graft to their significant other. 

It's interesting that no-one seems to have conducted a similar study, asking how the husbands of major female breadwinners feel. I'm prepared to bet the keys to the executive washroom that they're perfectly happy hitting the golf course, leaving the Mrs to bring home the bacon. Hasn't anyone seen Mr Mom?