Smile, what's the use in crying?

Who doesn't love this new 'age of austerity'? It's got us all tightening our belts so much so that we suddenly know how Dita Von Teese feels every time she gets dressed.

It also means that the politicians have to find new ways of validating their track record, since traditional measures like GDP give a decidedly negative view. That's why it was revealed this week that David Cameron intends to measure the kind of prosperity that's hard to capture in an Excel spreadsheet. Rather than prosperity and wealth, he wants to start collating data on how happy we all are.

The problem is, we're not a nation known for our ebullience. That's why the most common conversational topic is the weather - because nine times out of ten it means we've got something to complain about. Even now, the threat of a couple of inches of snow has people in the north battening down the hatches for a second ice age.

It's the same with our TV shows - our most popular soap opera is EastEnders, the televisual equivalent of Ritalin. And talent shows like X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing simply enable us to celebrate the least talented performers.

Nonetheless, the Office of National Statistics has been asked to develop a new way of measuring people's sense of well-being, based on the spring in their step, rather than the bulge in their wallet. So now, the British public will be asked questions like: "Overall, how happy did you feel yesterday?" and "How much purpose does your life have?"

If there's one sure-fire way of sending the entire nation plunging into abject depression, it's by getting them to consider the meaning of life. The Pet Shop Boys once sang 'Happiness Is An Option'. That may well be the case, but I think most of us would prefer to abstain.

Mariah says "I'll Be There"

The Daily Mail today announced that Mariah Carey has had her slot filled by the Jersey Boys. As unappealing a prospect as that may sound, fear not - there's no sex tape on the horizon for Mimi. That's Jennifer Lopez's nightmare instead. 

The Mail was, in fact, referring to Mariah's 'unprofessional' decision to pull out of an appearance on this Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing, leaving the BBC scrambling to find a last-minute replacement.


Now it seems as though the long-simmering rivalry between the two Saturday evening juggernauts is threatening to boil over into all out war. According to the tabloids, the owner of the least-appealing chest in pop, had pencilled in an appearance on the sequins-and-slap kitch-fest, only for Simon to entice her back to the X-Factor instead. 

Although it can't have been too hard a decision, given the choice between an awkward chat with Dermot, or standing around as Bruce Forsyth tries to retell a joke he first made 67 years ago.

Actually, "entice" is probably the wrong word, since reports suggest that Cowell told Mariah's management that he wouldn't stand for her appearing on both networks. His petulant ultimatum paid off, so now X-Factor viewers will need to reach for the mute button on Sunday night, or risk losing half their glassware and their dogs' sanity.

Mariah has already recorded her performance of ' I Want To Know What Love Is' (yes, that one) - after spending several hours arguing over the kind of car in which she wanted to be transported to the studio. She wanted a Rolls-Royce Phantom with stencilled butterflies on the windows, as you do. Because Mariah is used to getting what she wants, much like Simon himself.

But not everyone is so keen to accept one of Simon's double-edged invitations. Having slated the X-Factor as "appalling" and nothing more than "televised karaoke" (inarguable logic if you ask me), Sting found himself on the receiving end of a loaded invitation to come on the show and "impart his knowledge". Which is a little like a restaurant giving someone food poisoning then apologising with a voucher for a free meal on their next visit. 

Unsurprisingly Sting has RSVP'ed in the negative through his spokeswoman Regine Moylett, who told the Daily Star that "Sting has probably said everything he wants to say about The X-Factor." Sadly, the same can't be said for the rest of the media, as this report (featuring a quote from yours truly) clearly shows. Still, at least this means we'll be spared Jedward's inevitable fusion of 'Every breath you take' and 'I'll be missing you'. 

Daily Heil does it again

If the newspapers are to believed (and God help us if they are) the biggest story currently gripping the nation is the change to the judging line-up on Strictly Come Dancing. Since the original announcement was made, the BBC has been beset with accusations of agism and attempting to fix something that wasn't broke, by replacing Arlene Phillips with series five winner Alesha Dixon.

This weekend the show returned to much fanfare, despite a line-up of celebrities so inauspicious they'd be hard pressed to muster a gig opening a supermarket between them. But all eyes were on new judge Alesha - was she up to the job, or was she just there to look pretty?

It's safe to say that Alesha didn't exactly burn up the screen with incisive commentary or catty put-downs. But she empathised well with the plight of the performers and gave constructive notes where she could. But this was not good enough for some people, with fans taking to the messageboards in their thousands to decry the BBC's decision and demand that the pretty singer be instantly axed.

Smelling the chance to roll around in some mindless cruelty, bitter Australian hack Amanda Platell sharpened her quill, dipped it in blood and wrote yet another staggeringly pointless article for the Daily Mail. As a regular talking head on those dreadful compilation chart shows that clog up the schedules whenever CSI Nantucket isn't on, it's a shame that Amanda misses the irony in condemning Alesha's for 'scaling new heights of inanity' and making 'asinine comments'.

Platell even manages to throw in some ad hominem attacks on Cheryl Cole, star of ITV's rival show X-Factor. Comparing Alesha to Cheryl, Platell concludes that they're both as vacuous as each other and have limited facial impressions, but Cheryl wins the day by having a saccharine sweetness and the ability to turn on the tears. Then again, we can hardly expect a cast-iron bitch like Amanda Platell to understand the nuances of human emotion. And given that her own face is about as warmly expressive as an angry scribble on a sandwich bag, the specifics of her critique seem particularly inappropriate.

But Amanda's not here to make friends, which is probably for the best, given her track record for upsetting people with her hateful columns and ill-concealed prejudices. Rather tellingly, Amanda uses an unfortunate turn-of-phrase in her character assassination of Alesha that indicates just how ugly some of her views are: "...we want a critical, intelligent, well-informed assessment of the performances, not the judging equivalent of being licked by a chocolate labrador."

Debate is currently raging as to whether Platell was making a racist remark in comparing half-Jamaican Alesha to a 'chocolate labrador'. Many people are arguing that it was simply an unfortunate slip of the keyboard, and an entirely innocent remark. However, I can't help but wonder. Kittens, puppies, labradors - all would have made for suitable similies. So why bring the colour of the dog into it? Especially when describing the first person of colour to join what has historically been an all-white judging panel.

Casual racism aside, Platell simply doesn't like Alesha because she's nice. Her article gives the impression that she would only be happy with a format change if it meant that each week's loser was hanged from the studio ceiling with their throat slit. After all, human sacrifices and supernatural pacts are the only logical explanation for how she manages to stay gainfully employed as a writer.

Good idea? You be the judge...

With the seventh season of Strictly Come Dancing heading to screens in the Autumn, the BBC has announced some big changes to its flagship show. Clearly inspired by American Idol and The X-Factor's attempts to shake up the talent show format, bosses have axed Arlene Phillips and replaced her with Alesha Dixon, the photogenic winner of the 2007 series. They've also revealed plans to bring in Darcey Bussell in the latter part of the series. But not everyone's happy about these changes.

According to the Daily Mail, which has a sixth sense for grumbles of discontent, the dancers on the show are incensed that they'll be judged by an 'amateur' with limited dancing experience. Clearly they've never seen Paula Abdul dispensing singing tips on Idol.

Fiona Phillips has also waded in to give her perspective on the decision. Writing in The Mirror, (probably with her face contorted into that characteristic sneer of hers) she criticised the choice, saying "Since when was Alesha Dixon a choreographer? And who, outside the chattering class pastures of the broadsheets and the Royal Ballet, cares about Darcey Bussell?". It's a stupid comment really, although hardly surprising if you ever endured one her painful interviews on GMTV, since no-one has said Alesha is a choreographer. Phillips herself admits that Arlene's caustic comments infuriated viewers, and maybe that's precisely why the ex-Mis-Teeq singer is such a good choice.

There's always a danger on any of these shows that the egos of the judges dominate proceedings and the contestants get sidelined into supporting roles. Every show needs a Simon Cowell - a plain-speaking, blunt-to-the-point-of-cruelty judge, but that needs to be countered with more empathetic personalities. Otherwise they might as well just replace the judging panel with a group of feces-hurling monkeys. Having gone through the show as a contestant (and wowed people with her natural dancing talent), Alesha is in a great position to give considered feedback on how the performers fared in the spotlight. She might not be able to critique their lines or timing, but that's what the other judges are there for.

As for those who've suggested that it's another case of the BBC's 'ageist' hiring and firing policy, I suggest they take a look at the show's host. Bruce Forsyth, a man whose earliest performances were on a zoetrope, actually considered legal action against newspapers that speculated he was leaving because of his advanced age. So who's really ageist here?