George wants back in the Big house

You've got to feel a little bit sorry for Boy George this Christmas - he had only one wish this year and now a nasty old judge has taken it, and the £200,000 fee, away.

In case you hadn't realised, or the aversion therapy was working, Celebrity Big Brother returns next week, for one last attempt at capturing a full blown career meltdown from 13 different angles.

As before, some of the housemates will test the very definition of the word 'celebrity'. Others will attempt to project an aura of untouchability by talking about the genuinely famous people in their address book - even if they only met them because they happened to shampoo their Lhasa Apso.

Sadly though, it looks as though Boy George won't be amongst them. The problem is, he's still in a spot of bother after handcuffing a Norwegian rent boy to the wall (which is a shame because that sounds like it would make a great shopping task in week two). More importantly, the Probation Service doesn't like the idea of George making a fortune while he's still technically serving part of his sentence.

Having reviewed George's appeal (sorry, too easy), the Judge commented: "...an offender serving the non-custodial part of a sentence of imprisonment should not be allowed to take part in a high profile, controversial television production, promoting his status as a celebrity and with considerable financial gain."

I think it's also important that George stop promoting his status as 'Boy'. George, you're 48 - that makes you about as much of a boy as Jeanette Krankie.

I'm sure George is sitting somewhere, wearing a ridiculous hat and licking his wounds, wondering about what might have been. It's funny though, after a four month custodial sentence, I would have thought the last thing he'd want is another three weeks of imprisonment, being scrutinised around the clock and made to suffer a series of humiliating indignities. Like sharing a bathroom with Tina Malone.

But then I guess it's like Red always said, after a while you become institutionalised. And if fame takes less than fifteen minutes, maybe institutionalisation can happen even quicker.

Jack's guarding his ring in prison

Smart move. And shame on you if you thought I was being dirty there, it was a harmless and innocent comment about jewellery. Apparently, those nasty brutes have been eyeing up the grieving widower's bling. Which means he probably should have kept quiet about his fabulous wealth, and not boasted about being 'set up for life'.

A couple of weeks ago, it was all about Jack being placed on the suicide wing, to protect him from violent offenders. Surely they could have just given him a set of golf clubs (his own weapon of choice)and left him to it?

But despite leaping from one despairing headline to the next, Jack must be wondering where it all went so right. After all, the media interest that sustained his wife is now his only recourse to income. The stories are hitting the press every day and we're perpetually one day further away from forgetting about him forever.

Interestingly, all of these stories have come directly from inside the prison, and I wouldn't be surprised if the 'source' was someone close to Jack. Like the far side of his bathroom mirror.