It's my night to howl

It's not easy being a teenager. Exams, peer pressure, Justin Bieber - sometimes it can all get a bit much. So it's hardly surprising that young adolescents try to forge connections with like-minded people, even if the rest of the world doesn't understand.

In San Antonio, Texas, a group of kids have found an unusual way of bonding. And one thing's for sure, the Twilight series has a lot to answer for.

In the second movie (which was about as entertaining as trying to read a water-damaged Haynes manual), our lip-bitey heroine Bella hooked up with Jacob and his often-shirtless gang. As she eventually discovered (about 90 minutes after everyone else), it turns out that they're not just homoerotically charged pals.

These boys also have lupine tendencies, turning into poorly-rendered werewolves ever time something got their dander up. After several months mooning over a clinically depressed vampire, Bella found a new lease on life with her animalistic chums.

Something in that turgid movie must have struck a chord with the kids in San Antonio, as they've established their very own wolf-pack.



At first glance they look like any other group of badly-dressed emo kids with too much guyliner and lank hair. But on closer inspection, you notice their contact lenses, pointy teeth and wagging tails. OK, the lenses and teeth aren't too bad, but the tails are ridiculous, looking like they've stuffed Basil Brush down the back of their Diesels.

Oh, and they sometimes howl. Seriously. Thankfully, the kids' mums don't seem too concerned by their lycanthropic larks, and even the school counsellor reckons it's all just a healthy form of social expression. Then again, their worst crimes seem to be an astonishing lack of self-awareness and a propensity for hanging out at the mall.

If nothing else, this news story will at least give the writers of the new Teen Wolf remake plenty of useful reference material. Van-surfing is so twenty years ago.

Everyone's a critic

After 24 hours on release, the next installment in the Twilight saga, New Moon, is breaking all kinds of records. There's even talk of the sensual sequel beating The Dark Knight in its opening weekend.

But although the fans are turning out in droves to get their fill of virginal vampire action, not everyone's over the moon (sorry) about the latest installment of the popular franchise. The critics have been predictably harsh about it, describing it as "tedious, long-winded" and "lamely unconvincing".

Fortunately, movies like this are as immune to criticism as Edward Cullen is to sunlight. Instead of bursting into flames like a traditional vampire should, the pouting hair-do simply glitters and sparkles like he just woke up under a drag queen. Likewise, the film's producers, Summit Entertainment, can sit back and watch the cash roll in as a result of all the free publicity.

So it's unlikely that anyone will lose any sleep over the latest negative review to hit the headlines - even if the critic in question is speaking on behalf of the Almighty himself. Displaying an incisive understanding of cinema second only to the inimitable Paul Ross, the Vatican has condemned New Moon as a "deviant moral vacuum".

Speaking on behalf of the Pontifical Council of Culture, Monsignor Franco Perazzolo claims that he's concerned about the film's reliance on the "age-old trick... of using extremes to make an impact..." Which sounds an awful lot like he's got an issue with the depiction of good and evil, although I can't imagine his boss would agree with him.

Ironically, the Catholic church may be dismayed by the series' lack of morals, but many other people are switched off by Twilight's 'over the clothes' approach to teenage sexuality. Written as a non-too-subtle metaphor for teenage abstinence, the books and subsequent movie adaptations revel in surging hormones and chaste romance. In author Stephenie Meyer's world, it's fine to fraternise with werewolves and vampires, as long as you keep your knickers on.

The problem is, modern teenagers aren't well-versed in the interpretation of metaphor and subtext. As a result, the overriding memory they'll take away from New Moon, is countless scenes depicting the buff boys of the Quileute tribe bursting out of their denim cut-offs to reveal their hairy animal side. If the movie's lead characters make a virtue of tearing off their pants at the earliest opportunity, what's to stop the impressionable audience following (birthday) suit?