The smear test

In the world of political tactics, the smear attack is as predictable as kissing a baby or gripping the hand of your recently-wronged partner in a photogenic post-affair display of solidarity. As soon as someone appears to threaten your cosy, moat-draining, duck house-building existence, you need to drag their name through the dirt and shift press attention onto them instead.

The world's media are a bunch of magpies - throw them something shiny and they're easily distracted from the matter at hand. However, if you really want that mud to stick, you have to ensure plausible deniability so that no-one can trace the story back to you. If only someone had pointed that out to the Swedish government, who are currently high-fiving themselves about their successful plot to eradicate the threat to international security posed by Julian Assange.

In the last month, the defiant Australian has leaked over 250,000 classified U.S diplomatic cables on his website WikiLeaks; in the process infuriating the world's most powerful people, and Prince Andrew. A vocal advocate of the freedom of speech, Assange has argued that the documents he's leaked shine a light on the nefarious espionage techniques employed by countries like the U.S., that ironically profess to export democracy and fairness.

So I guess no-one's too surprised that Assange's been silenced quicker than you can say 'concrete shoes'. Following the 'leak' of the news that he was wanted for questioning by Swedish police in connection with sexual assault charges, extradition proceedings were quickly implemented. This morning, a defiant but cooperative Assange turned himself into London police.

The police may claim to be taking the charges seriously, but I find it hard to believe that anyone else is - this whole plot sounds dodgier than Ke$ha singing acapella. Not least because the women involved seem to be less-than-credible witnesses.

Both freely admit to having consensual sex with Assange - and why not, he looks like Baz Luhrmann doing Morten Harket on Stars In Their Eyes. That rugged 'silver fox' appearance, coupled with the whole rule-breaking freedom fighter image, would make him a worthy notch on anyone's ethically-sourced bedpost.

They also enjoyed cordial relations with him after their respective sexual encounters, and only concocted their accusations of sexual assault and rape after conferring with one another. Irrespective of the validity of the charges, it's interesting that within 48 hours of the women speaking to police, the "news had leaked to the Press" who wasted no time reporting it.

There should be a delicious irony in the story of an arrogant man being undone by the dubious practices that he himself championed. But then, isn't that precisely how this whole counter-attack has been engineered?

This is the powers-that-be playing SuperNanny and attempting to teach an unruly child a lesson. Unfortunately, it's likely to have the opposite effect, because the overriding message here is that leaks and media manipulation are both acceptable practices, assuming that they work in one's favour. As well as running the risk of making Assange a martyr to the cause, their actions will also cast a shadow of associated doubt onto the testimony of countless real victims of rape and sexual assault.

I hope that the two women at the heart of this story, illustrated in the papers looking like two Tetris screengrabs, reconsider their role in this woefully misconceived conspiracy. Maybe they're just unhappy at how quickly Assange was able to fuck them and move on - which is pretty much how the political figures at the heart of the WikiLeaks scandal must be feeling too. But when even the Daily Mail voices concerns that this is just a "dirty tricks campaign" on the part of the U.S. government, it's clear that their believability needs some work.

Shut up and sing?

Ever since the golden age of disco, female singers have been intermittently churning out gay-friendly anthems to encourage and support their sparkliest fans. The songs themselves haven't always been explicitly pro-gay, but they tend to have a message that can be easily applied to the trials and tribulations of post-closet life.

These days, however, the divas are getting much more active when it comes to voicing their support for the gay community, beyond the occasional PA in a clothing-optional nightspot. Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Ke$ha have all become outspoken advocates of homosexuality, consigning Gloria Gaynor and Diana Ross to the bargain bin of homo-activism.

Despite still being months away from an official release, Gaga's 'Born This Way' is already being talked up by no less than Elton John as the ultimate gay rights anthem. So far, all anyone's heard is a short acappella snippet that Gaga performed whilst accepting her MTV Music Video Award. But that was enough to inspire a bunch of DJs to turn the sample into a stomping anthem that's been doing the rounds in every club from Christopher Street to the Castro.

Katy Perry's new single Firework is also being talked up as the official soundtrack of the 'It Gets Better' movement. Having pledged her support for the anti-bullying YouTube campaign, Katy managed to tear herself away from her epic nuptials long enough to tweet that "Everyone has the spark to be a firework.”

The video for the song features two boys snogging each other's faces off as a series of spectacular pyrotechnics burst from Katy's dynamic décolletage. This is starting to become something of a trend for the new Mrs Brand, since the film clip for her previous single 'California Girls' featured cans of whipped cream exploding from her bikini top. At this rate, by the time her third album is released, she'll have lactated the entire periodic table.

But the real surprise is Ke$ha - a girl with less depth than her own calendar. She's managed to cobble together a timely answer to the outbreak of suicides in the form of a new song called 'We R Who We R'. Presumably she was in such a rush to record it that she didn't have time to sort out the punctuation.
It turns out that when she's not brushing her teeth with bourbon and clambering out a skip, Ke$ha spends her time thinking about people “who haven’t felt accepted because of their sexuality.” 

Her new song is a rallying cry (autotuned, natch) for "people [to be] themselves unapologetically". Although it sounds like a rehashed megamix of all her other singles, Ke$ha believes that she's struck solid glitter this time - "I never could have imagined how much impact my music could have on people. I realized that through pop music, I have the opportunity to stand up for something I believe in.” Even if standing is something that she has trouble doing unaided. 

No doubt the critics will carp that it's all a cynical exercise in selling records and aligning themselves with all the right social issues. And at the end of the day, what difference can a bunch of pampered pop-stars really make? A lot, according to activist and sex columnist Dan Savage. He told the New York Times: “These songs are countering a hateful message that a peer, family member, politician or a bully might be saying. I get frustrated with gay politicos who discount or undermine the importance of pop stars. They’re a huge part of this fight.”

OK, it might be cause for concern that vapid pop tarts like Katy Perry and Ke$ha are the only hope for the world's disaffected gay teens. But given the amount of support they can expect to receive from this niche audience once they find the nerve to throw open the closet door, it's the least they can do.

Ke$ha prote$t$ too much?

Whatever happened to Joss Stone? One minute she was the saviour of blue-eyed soul, and the next she was a tie-dyed nightmare with an accent that would make Loyd Grossman break out in hives.

The good news for fans of inauthentic urban music, is that Joss's continued absence from public consciousness leaves room for the equally irritating Ke$ha. Her last single Tik Tok managed to keep the new 'We Are The World' off the number one spot in the US, thanks to its reckless party vibe and glisteningly current production.

It's all a million miles away from her quiet, folksy Nashville upbringing. But she'd rather we forgot about all that, since she's determined to prove herself the "walking celebration of fuck off irreverence and youth and fun."

Every time she's interviewed she goes to ridiculous lengths to prove how original and natural she is: "OK, you think it's all an image - well that's so not true. I get drunk and I like to dance to vinyl records in my room with my friends." See - all you cynics out there - she even listens to 'vinyl records', so she must be the real thing.

When she's not researching 'whiskey' on Wikipedia or practicing her gritty vocal drawl, she's usually putting the finishing touches to her 'screw the soap, where's the sheep dip?' appearance. Just as long as you don't think she's another fame-hungry starlet. She may have gained early notoriety by vomiting in Paris Hilton's closest, but she's keen to stress that she's not a party girl "in the 'vagina hanging out of my skirt' kind of way".

Faced with temptation at every turn, Ke$ha depends on her spirituality to keep her focused, telling The Times that she is "into energy". That's why she wears her own placenta around her neck - to give her second sight. And maybe to draw attention away from the rest of her 'dragged from a dumpster' ensemble.

By now, you may have got the impression that Ke$ha has been studying the Megan Fox Guide To Saying Anything For Column Inches, but nothing could be further from the truth. She knows who she is and she's proud of it - "I like getting drunk and partying but not in a gross way, I'm more like a pimp. More like a dance commander. Especially in America, 'party girl' is not a good image."

Self-awareness is a rare commodity in the world of celebrity. So maybe we should be thankful for Ke$ha. After all, it takes an enormous amount of chutzpah for someone so inane to release a single called 'Blah blah blah':