A right mouthful

Hurrah, it's back to save us from the tedium of cold winter weekdays. I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is now in its tenth series, having found another bunch of willing spotlight-seekers keen to secure another fifteen minutes of fame, even if they're spent trying to masticate a partially desiccated kangaroo penis.

The ITV casting team is running like a well-oiled machine by now, so the contestants have been selected to fall into rather predictable categories. There's a politician, an athlete, a singer, a reality show contestant, a past-her-prime glamour-puss, posh actor and then an assortment of people picked solely to inspire lots of "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are" conversations.

Although the show is only a few installments into its latest run, it already feels like it's never been away. Kind of like slipping on a pair of comfortable slippers, that just happen to be filled with cockroaches and eel slime.

Stacey Solomon has already established herself as a firm favourite, thanks to her unaffected persona and the fact that she could be outwitted by most of the jungle's indigenous flora.

Less appealing is Gillian McKeith, who has spent her entire career chastising people for the things they put in their mouth. If ever there was a woman crying out to be force-fed a blender full of pulverised bugs, it's Gillian. She believes 'you are what you eat', so presumably she's going to munching on a hand-full of freeze-dried stick insects.

But if you're bored of watching other people spending time in the world's most most unwelcoming fat camp, you can always try it at home. Those clever brand extension people have created a delicious range of 'witchetty grub' treats so that you can replicate the Bushtucker Trial experience at home.

Don't worry, they're not real insects. If you want actual grubs you're going to have to dig out that bottle of tequila.

These are chocolate grubs, just designed to look like the slimy critters. However, only seven of them have a delicious toffee filling. The other three... well, the manufacturers describe them as offering "a nasty surprise".

In fact, they're tripe flavour, and are sure to liven up the petit fours of any dinner party. But don't worry, if you don't want to spend £6.99 on the chocolate equivalent of russian roulette. You could always just use a bag of Revels.

Pointing the finger

If you subscribe to the Richard Littlejohn worldview (and if you do I can recommend some powerful anti-psychotics), you probably think the world's going to hell in a handcart. You take a look at the youth of today, and you see a general lack of respect, work ethics and comprehensible dialect.

So whose fault is it? Well, obviously not the parents, because that causes some uncomfortable questions to be asked.

It's much easier to pass the buck and blame someone else. And today's easiest scapegoat is reality TV, particularly Big Brother and I'm A Celebrity...

A recent survey of 800 teachers found that the vast majority feel that reality TV shows have had a negative impact on pupils' behaviour. Reporting on this study, the Daily Telegraph rather cleverly picked out one quote from Robert Holroyd, Head of Repton School in Derbyshire, who said that "teachers should encourage pupils to watch the news and read quality papers including The Daily Telegraph to provide a reality check."

According to Holroyd, "An increasing number of young people think that celebrity status is available to everyone, usually through television." But I think he's missing the point. The fact is, celebrity (in its current incarnation at least) has indeed been democratised and devalued to the point that people can be elevated to that glittering status simply by remembering to turn up for work.

Thankfully, not all 'reality' shows are in his bad books - he clearly has some time for Britain's Got Talent: "At least that may make children look at their own performance and think 'what would Amanda Holden or Simon Cowell say about me?'"

So fly-on-the-wall shows are bad, but it's OK for young children to spend time worrying about how that notable icon of talent and tenacity, Amanda Holden, might judge them.

After a couple more well-chosen shout-outs for the Telegraph, the article points out that this study follows "research from the Association of Teachers and Lecturers which warned access to inappropriate TV was turning young children into Vicky Pollards." And that's precisely the problem with studies that are quick to place the blame for these kinds of social issues on popular culture.

The reason Vicky Pollard resonated with TV viewers is that, like most comedy grotesques, she represented a painfully familiar truth. Vicky didn't create chav culture, she simply reflected it.

Whether you're blaming faux-documentary formats for unsustainable ambitions for our young people, or using outdates comedy characters to define society's ills, it's clear that reality is in the eye of the beholder.

Bye George

I've tried to steer clear of 'I'm a Celebrity...' this year, given the astonishingly low profile of most of the 'talent' occupying the camp beds. On the whole it's all been about as entertaining as a bra full of mealworms, and when that bra happens to belong to a passive-aggressive cleaner built like a WWF wrestler in a one-piece swimsuit, the appeal tends to wane pretty quickly.

It doesn't help that the incessant Iceland ad-break bumpers keep showcasing food that makes the bushtucker trials look edible by comparrison - any day now we're going to see Coleen Nolan tuck into a kangaroo anus in satay sauce.

Adding to the general sense of ennui is the fact that the camp has had more people walk out than the Sugababes. Camilla Dallerup gave up after a couple of days, citing 'exhaustion', then Katie price followed a few days later, having finally realised that the audience didn't like the look of her new Mursi-tribe inspired lips.

But the biggest blow to camp camaraderie was the departure of George Hamilton. Despite being exempt from virtually every task on health grounds, he soon established himself as one of the more likeable members of the camp, with his quick wit, gleaming smile and career that involves more than occasionally appearing in heat's 'spotted' column.

After a heart-to-heart with several members of the camp, George decided that he'd had enough and opted to take an early bath. Ostensibly, he did it out of love and respect for the show's other participants, but it's telling how that compassion manifested itself.

Explaining his reasoning to Kim, he said “Here’s the thing, I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking, they’re people who are starting careers... I’m not going to go head to head, so I’m thinking about leaving, pulling out tomorrow.”

The thing about celebrities is that they have to believe that there's an army of fans hanging on their every move. Just look at Katie Price - audiences would happily have voted for her to be bundled into a sleeping bag full of scorpions and beaten with an old hammock frame. But ask her why and she'd shrug and say it might be because the public love to watch her. 

It's the same with George. Whatever his real reasons for leaving the show, he couldn't help but feel that he was a threat to the younger, less established contestants. By selflessly quitting, so as to avoid going head-to-head with a weaker member of the pack, he revealed just how much he fancied his chances of winning. Then again, when you're up against such showbiz luminaries as Justin Ryan, Gino D'Acampo and Jimmy White, it's hardly surprising. 

I'll do anything...

Tonight was the night we've all been waiting for, as the jungle dwelling celebrities had to gulp down some of Australia's foulest foodstuffs. Best of all, it was the latest chapter in Katie Price's ongoing penance at the hands of the unforgiving British public.

The last time Katie spent time in the jungle she was trying to raise her profile, having spent several years appearing in the kind of calendars that you might find hanging in a KwikFit garage. Audiences were surprised to discover that behind the face that's gone through more changes than Optimus Prime, was a steely determined business woman with a refreshingly take-no-prisoners approach. She even managed to snag herself a husband, in the form of Peter Andre a man so unthreatening that a newborn lamb could bully his lunch money out of him.

A lot of botox has dribbled under the bridge since then, in which time Katie has managed to squander almost all the goodwill she's built up over the last few years. In a last-ditch attempt to resurrect a career which consisted mostly of phoning the tabloids on a daily basis to tell them what she'd found in the toilet, she decided to return to the show that made her name.

So here she is once again, almost as though the last four years never happened. Except they did, because now she looks as though she's going undercover in the Australian outback disguised as a platypus. She's also having to win over the rest of the gang who are understandably disgruntled about he fact that Katie got an estimated five times their fee for taking part in the show.

Still, her lesser known (bordering on anonymous) campmates are having the last laugh, as the audiences at home insist that Katie tackles every single bushtucker trial. Although she's no stranger to being debased in public, it's usually on her own terms, so it's no wonder that she's getting a little frustrated. But there's no point looking for sympathy in the camp, since the other contestants are wise to her publicity-seeking ways.

'How Clean Is Your House?' star Kim Woodburn, who resembles a doll's face resting on a pile of mashed potatoes, has already laid into Katie, accusing her of being a publicity seeker. To be fair to Katie, such condemnation seems a little rich coming from someone willing to chew a kangaroo testicle on TV to maintain her own media profile.

Kim's accusation clearly struck a chord with Katie, who admitted that she used to love the publicity but had come to the jungle because she "wanted some peace". Maybe the guesthouses in Bognor were all booked up and a TV show filmed on Australia's Gold Coast was the next best thing?

But for all Katie's protests, it's rather telling that she's now being lined up to appear on the US version of I'm A Celebrity... At this rate, she's going to be a staple of the format, like the platter of witchetty grubs, the bemused Caiman in a fish tank, and the tree-top studio. Next time she complains that she's had enough and is thinking of leaving, check the schedules - it could just be that she's due to start filming the show for another broadcaster.