The good, the bad and the misguided

I couldn't let today pass without making mention of the fact that this is blog post number 666. Anyone who studied their Bible thoroughly, or enjoyed the sight of a toddler attempting to finish off Lee Remick and an innocent goldfish, knows the significance of that particular number.

That set me off thinking about good and evil. More specifically, when someone sets out with the best intentions, only to sabotage their own prospects with a few bad decisions. Although some people like to see the world in black and white terms, in reality, there's a fine line between good and bad. And it's an easy line to cross if you're not careful. This is something that Groupon founder Andrew Mason knows all about.

Last week, during the Superbowl, the 111 million-strong audience was left dumbfounded, offended and disturbed by an astonishing lapse in taste and judgement. But once the Black Eyed Peas' half-time performance was over, viewers found themselves incensed all over again by Groupon's ill-advised new ad campaign.

The series of ads showed high-profile celebrities (well, Timothy Hutton and Liz Hurley were high-profile once upon a time) empathising with major international humanitarian crises, only to then suggest that consumers take advantage of major discounts on regionally-relevant businesses - Tibetan food, Brazilian waxes etc.

It probably didn't help matters that the messages were delivered in an utterly dead-pan manner, giving no indication that there was any kind of sly humour at work. Despite the mistaken belief that Americans don't 'do' irony, the joke itself was buried too deeply under a layer of insensitive opportunism for anyone to notice.

The real irony, however, is the fact that Groupon actively supports many of the organisations it appears to be mocking. As Mason attempted to explain on a blog, following the fall-out over the ads: "Groupon’s roots are in social activism... and we continue to use Groupon to support local causes with our G-Team initiative. In our two short years as a business, we’ve already raised millions of dollars for national charities like Donors Choose and Kiva."

Although Groupon have now pulled the offending campaign from the airwaves, it's interesting to note that the organisations being spoofed in the ads endorsed the messages. John Hocevar, a biologist with Greenpeace and founder of Students for a Free Tibet, voiced his support: "Greenpeace is happily participating in the campaign. The truth is that the 'Save the Money' campaign and the commercial are really helping us save the whales."

The problem with satire is that there's always a danger you'll strike too close to the bone. The more accurate your aim, the more likely it is that people will miss the point you're trying to make. This is the reason why The Onion still gets recycled by genuine news sources that can't tell the difference.

As Mason pointed out in his apologetic blog, "When we think about commercials that offend us, we think of those that glorify antisocial behavior – like the scores of Super Bowl ads that are built around the crass objectification of women." And that's why the campaign was such a mistake - he forgot the first rule of advertising: know your audience.

Those beer-swilling, giant-foam-finger-wearing TV viewers are not likely to stop and question the satiric intent of your messaging. Come to think of it, they probably won't give a shit about discounted whale-watching trips either.

It's a mug's game

Advertising luxury goods must be the easiest job in the world. All you need is a beautiful model, an expensive photographer and a monochrome logo, and Bob's your account manager.

So I'm struggling to understand what Hublot were thinking when they took a call from Bernie Ecclestone, pitching his idea for a new ad campaign. The pint-sized F1 boss was violently mugged recently, outside his London office, by four men who made off with his personalised Hublot watch, valued at £11,000.

Never one to inspect a gifthorse's bicuspids, the enterprising entrepreneur suggested that Hublot create an ad based on his brush with the criminal underclass, telling the Swiss watchmaker's CEO Jean-Claude Biver, "Please use it to make an advertising campaign because I want to show that I'm courageous."

Running for three days this week in a number of British publications, the one-off ad quotes Bernie himself, saying "See what people will do for a Hublot". This appears alongside the requisite pack-shot and a glorious picture of Bernie himself looking like a Spitting Image puppet carved out of past-its-sell-by-date brisket.

With a huge black eye and sloping mouth, Bernie isn't quite the supermodel one might ordinarily expect on a glossy ad for a high-end luxury item. Likewise, making a virtue of the fact that he was mugged for his watch seems like an unusual 'sell' for Hublot to focus on. It's like Ferrari running an ad for the 599 GTO showing a keyed door panel.

Sadly, pensioners are beaten all the time by unscrupulous thugs looking to make a quick buck. And in many ways, 80 year-old Bernie is no different. But the next time some poor old woman is bashed on the high street for the fiver in her purse, I doubt we'll see her bruised features being showcased in the next Primark campaign - "See what people will do for a cheap pleather handbag?"

When Ecclestone pitched his idea to the Formula 1 sponsor, Biver responded by saying, "this guy has some guts." That may well be the case, but his dignity and class are less self-evident.

Appealing for CALM

President Obama hasn't had an easy ride since that fateful night back in November 2008. Having inherited a shattered economy, a distrustful population and a bitterly divided political climate, he was never going to breeze through to a second term.

Almost two years into his presidency, Obama is now finding even his staunchest supporters turning against him, critical of his lack of action and unwillingness to address some of the key issues facing the country. Despite being elected a platform of equality and possibility, he's dragged his heels for far too long and kept his distance from the most divisive issues. 

But there's still a chance for Obama to secure that all-important second term. He needs to listen to the will of the people and take decisive action, once and for all. He needs to silence the noise that's deafening the nation. 

Weirdly, I'm not actually speaking in melodramatic metaphor - Obama literally needs to adjust the nation's volume knob. And turn it way down. 

Having already been approved by the House of Representatives and the Senate, the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation (CALM) Act is now heading straight to the White House for 'final validation'. No longer will terrified citizens find themselves scrabbling for the remote control as a TV ad bursts onto the screen, with all the cacophonous fury of Brian Blessed yelling at a customer services agent. 

It's something we've all experienced - straining to hear the dialogue of our favourite TV show, only for an ad break to suddenly begin and send us leaping behind the couch, fearful of an imminent air raid. The tactic is a no-brainer - the advertisers want you to hear their sparkling dialogue and expensively acquired soundtrack while you nip to the loo or pop the kettle on. So they adjust the volume on their ads - that way, you can still hear it even if you've nipped to the supermarket to buy the teabags.

Let's all be thankful, then, for Rep. Anna Eshoo (gesundheit!) who introduced CALM as a way of forcing advertisers to lower the volume of their creative endeavours. If Obama approves the act, we might ultimately see similar legislation being introduced in the UK to save us all from premature hearing loss.

Barry Scott must be shitting himself.

Now I know why Ronald McDonald's always smiling

Here in the 21st century, we're fortunate to have so many places where gays can congregate - nightclubs, bars, the public toilets at Kings Cross. But if you really want to be where the boys are, there's a new venue to pencil into the back of your Spartacus Guide - and it's marked by a pair of golden arches.

According to a bold new ad running in France, McDonalds is the latest gay hotspot, inviting you to 'come as you are' - giving a vital clue as to what goes into that special sauce.

The ad features a handsome young man mooching over a class photo and whispering sweet nothings into his mobile, as his Dad buys them both lunch. Returning to the table, Dad reminisces about his school days as a ladies man, and laments the fact that his son goes to an all-boys school. Zing.

It's a bold move for a company which represents the ne plus ultra of American big business, and one which might encourage other corporations to take notice of the fact that gays use their products and services too.

More excitingly, it offers a tantalising glimpse into the potential for a new hanky code - enabling fast-food-favouring gays to send subtle signals about their sexual proclivities using harmless menu items.

Just looking for a quick, no-frills hook-up? That'll be a Big Mac. Like them young? A McChicken sandwich it is. More than one at a time? Gotta be the McNuggets. And chubby chasers can content themselves with a Quarter Pounder.

Gym bunnies can go for a garden salad, and bisexuals can opt for the Filet-O-Fish. On the other hand, if you order the Chocolate thick shake, you're letting everyone know that you're into the kind of depravity seldom seen outside of Ancient Rome.

One thing's for sure, everyone's going to say yes when given the opportunity to 'go large'.

Surfing the crimson wave

Stephen King's debut novel Carrie (and its subsequent film adaptation) opened with a sixteen year-old girl getting her first period and freaking out. Raised by a religious fanatic, the late bloomer has been kept in the dark about her 'curse' and thinks she's dying. Her kind classmates help her out by screaming, jeering and throwing tampons at the poor, confused wretch, - much like an editorial meeting run by Paul Dacre.

It's easy to look at Carrie and laugh that someone could be so naive and misinformed about her own body's development. But actually, it's not such a stretch when you think about it. The ongoing debate about sex education in schools, combined with a neo-traditional obsession with teen abstinence, means that there must be thousands of teenagers suddenly contemplating their mortality in bathrooms across the United States.

The thing is, menstruation makes people squeamish. Blood and body parts are fine on CSI, but not when it comes to women's bodies. As a result, advertisers on both sides of the pond have spent decades finding all kinds of euphemisms and analogies to sell sanitary products.

Using words like comfort, freedom and freshness, the ad campaigns have grown increasingly oblique, making it hard to tell whether they're supposed to be selling tampons or Febreze. We see footage of women roller-blading and dancing, or laughing with their arms around their friends for a group photo. We don't see them rummaging in their handbags, gorging on Toblerone or tapping a colleague on the shoulder and asking for a 'favour'.

After years of evasive language, ad agency JWT has thrown in the sanitary towel. They've had enough of slow-motion and white linen trousers. Arm-in-arm with tampon brand Kotex, they've decided to tell it how it is, making the bold assumption that women are capable of thinking for themselves.

But not everyone agrees. Their first attempt was a straight-talking ad that had women talking about their vaginas. Cut to a scene of a lot of very puzzled, and slightly uncomfortable TV network executives. "You can't use the 'v' word" they cried, despite the fact that more than half the population have one.

When their second attempt used the ridiculous euphemism "down there" (where is that exactly, Mexico?) - they still weren't happy, with two networks refusing to run the ad. So the agency channeled their frustration into a great new campaign that pokes fun at people's 'ick-factor'.

Rather than telling the truth, the new ad is a sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek lie, that portrays the kind of non-existent airheads that other agencies have in mind whenever they ask the props department for a beaker of blue liquid.

As Richard Adams pointed out on the Guardian website today, UK 'sanitary' brands are a little more more uninhibited - Mooncup recently launched a new website called loveyourvagina.com However, even here there's still a fascination with euphemisms, inviting visitors to tell everyone what "you lovingly call your lady garden, fru fru or coochie."

These may be small steps in ad land, but they're giant leaps for womankind. And if anyone has any objections, allow me to suggest where you can stick them.

On yer bike Duffy

Sighs of relief all round as the Advertising Standards Authority gives the recent Diet Coke ad the all clear. It turns out that 18 people, with nothing better to do than complain about the bits that pop up between pieces of Emmerdale, were concerned that musical Marmite Duffy took to her bicycle without high-vis clothing or a safety helmet.

Somehow, these ridiculous concerns were sufficient to warrant an investigation into whether or not the Welsh popstrel was encouraging irresponsible cycling. But it's not the first time the Diet Coke ad has been subjected to unnecessary scrutiny. Shortly after the ad first aired, a 'making of' mini-documentary popped up on YouTube, showing the creative minds behind the ad talking about their strategy.



Peeling back the Magnificent Oz's emerald curtain to reveal a bunch of high-minded creatives commiting the sin of Onan, this 'featurette' showcased phrases like 'reconnect with yourself' and 'tap into a female zeitgeist'.

Even more shamefully, Duffy pops up to ask herself "How did my relationship with Diet Coke come about?" Presumably, "Because they offered me a wedge of cash and I could teach minute steak a thing or two about being a flash-in-the-pan sensation" wasn't one of the options.

Interestingly, the ASA found that they "...considered the style and treatment of the ad... was unlikely to appeal to very young children...". Funnily enough, I can't imagine it appealing to anyone at all, especially if the public response is anything to go by.

I guess not everyone loves a singer who sounds like Fran Drescher after taking a hit on a helium balloon. But music tastes aside, I can't imagine anyone being too impressed by a singer who, according to this ad at least, turns her back on her fans mid-concert, to bugger off and do something else instead.