When you write about
TV, the law of averages dictates that you’ll have to sift through a fair amount
of shit to uncover the occasional gem. But nothing could have prepared me for
the staggering, stultifying and downright surreal sensation of sitting through
Splash! By the way, that exclamation is part of the show’s title, and not my
attempt to adopt a breezy, suitable-for-light-entertainment tone. Let’s be
clear here, the last ninety minutes were about as much fun as invasive surgery
with a balloon whisk. Less a TV show, more of an extended audition reel
engineered by Tom Daley’s media agent, this actually made me long for the heady
intellectual heights of Hole In The Wall.
The concept itself is
ridiculously simple – it’s Dancing On Melted Ice, with Tom Daley attempting to
fill a Torville and Dean shaped hole, by gamely posing in a tiny pair of budgie
smugglers. Each week, five celebrities deemed too anonymous even for Big
Brother, throw themselves into the water, hoping to win a place in the
semi-final. Britain’s favourite set of obliques is on hand, to offer a few
“great rotations” platitudes and smile at the crowds of teenage girls who’ve
been bussed in from Dunstable for the evening.
The show doesn’t get
off to the best of starts, as we discover that it’s sponsored by Dominos. Given
the dangers of swimming on a full stomach that we had drummed into us as
children, a carb-loaded pizza doesn’t really scream ‘competitive diving.’ Vernon
Kaye and Gabby Logan are our hosts, and if I tell you that even they’re slumming
it, that should give you some idea of just how bad this is. Tonight, Omid
Djalili, Jade Ewen, Jake Canuso, Helen Lederer and Jenni Falconer “will be
facing the most terrifying experience of their lives”. Fuck the ten metre
board, it’s going to be more frightening trying to get an agent to take their
calls tomorrow morning.
Vernon’s come straight
from a Primark shop window, and Gabby appears to be channelling Penelope Keith,
as they introduce Tom Daley for the third time in eight minutes. Tom enters by
doing a quick dive off the highest platform, and instantly points out what’s
wrong with the concept.
In a classic episode
of 30 Rock, naïve redneck Kenneth invents a great new gameshow, that’s a twist
on Deal Or No Deal, but with a suitcase of gold bullion. The producers are
thrilled with Gold Case, and rush it into production. It’s only when they film
the pilot episode, that they realise there’s a fundamental flaw in the premise,
as contestant after contestant successfully guesses which model is holding a briefcase
containing a million dollars in solid gold. “Right,” says Kenneth as the
reality slowly dawns, “because gold is heavy.” And that’s what we have here – a
ninety-minute show based around five minor celebrities plunging into water.
That’s maybe 12 seconds of ‘entertainment’ in an hour and a half. Gabby
breathlessly announces that “The atmosphere here in Luton is electric,” and I
can’t help wondering if she’s planning on throwing a live hair-dryer into the
diving pool.
In standard reality
show fashion, we’ve even got a panel of judges, comprised of Team GB coach Andy
Banks, Olympic diver Leon Taylor, and Jo Brand, who is to diving what Ann
Widdecombe is to nipple clamps. She knows nothing about the sport, so she’s
here for the entertainment. Based on the showing so far, she’s going to be shit
out of luck.
Before we get onto the
diving portion of tonight’s programme, we need to be re-re-re-introduced to Tom
Daley and his furry thighs. Someone’s helpfully written him a speech about the
pressures of diving, which he delivers with all the heady emotion of the
Shipping Forecast. The producers also helpfully throw in some Olympics footage
of Tom in action, along with a cheaply fabricated bit of commentary to pretend
that the UK was delighted to settle for a bronze. As the VT ends, Gabby’s on
hand to tell Tom “On behalf of everyone in the UK, thank you for everything you
did for us.” To be fair, he did pop round and re-grout our bathroom after the
Closing Ceremony.
Jade Ewen is the first
of tonight’s contestants, and you may recognise her from the latest incarnation
of Sugababes. She can’t swim and she’s terrified of water, so I imagine she’s
only here because the group change members whenever one of them stops moving.
She whips off her dressing gown and hands it to the hunky coat-rack standing by
the pool side, revealing an impressive gold bikini that looks more like C3PO’s
underwear than anything Princess Leia would be caught dead in. After all the VT
drama, it’s a little disappointing to see her just topple into the water. If I
really wanted to watch a bunch of people I’ve never heard of falling into
water, I could just pop Titanic on. The judges are suitably condescending, and
Vernon asks Tom whether he’s proud of his “first client.” I guess when you’ve
got abs like that, you can charge people for it.
Our illustrious hosts
keep trying to sell the concept of the show, telling us that this is the “show
that takes celebrities to the edge, then pushes them off.” To be fair, it’s
doing the same to the audience.
Jake Canuso plays a
sleazy player in Benidorm, and is one of the few celebrities they’ve lined up
for this debacle who looks good in a pair of trunks. He gets emotional when he
remembers how he “nearly drowned in the Toon Army.” Turns out he meant the
South Asian tsunami, but for a while he had me picturing him stuck at the wrong
end of a Newcastle match. To help stretch out the running time, he disrobes at
the far end of the pool and does an extended parade around the perimeter,
high-fiving the bored-looking fans. At this rate, they’re going to have Omid
Djalili disrobing in the car park. Up on the platform, he indulges in a few
stretching exercises, but it’s not enough to perfect his dive. According to the
judges, he “overcooked his rotation and entered a banana.” Not to worry, I know
a few clubs where people would pay good money to watch him do that, as long as
he’s happy to swap roles with the banana.
In the last twenty
minutes, Helen Lederer has come on leaps and bounds. They’re now referring to
her as a comedienne, rather than a ‘comedy actress’, and she no longer needs
Tom to tip her off a mat into the pool, like he’s scraping diced chicken breast
into a hot pan. She needs all the help she can get, since she’s terrified of
heights, and it’s making her famously wide eyes bulge like a short-circuiting
Furbee. In the end, she just plops into the water as if she fell out of a loose
bowel, but even that’s enough to impress our soft-hearted judges. Leon tell her
he’s in tears, but I think he’s just read the small print in his contract.
Can’t think of
anything else to do, to use up your over-generous time slot? Try shouting out
the name of some random props – “TEN METRE BOARD!” booms voice-over man,
accommodatingly. Even Vernon seems embarrassed by this, and he’s spent the last
decade on Family Fortunes.
Jenni Falconer has
“amazing leg lines” and loves sport. She’s also a little bit pointy, so should
cut through the water like a butter knife. After a bit of shoulder injury
drama, that saw her wrapped in Bacofoil like a partly cooked jacket potato,
she’s finally ready to take the plunge. She, too, takes her time getting round
the pool, and for some insane reason, the producers decide to run this in slow
motion, as it’s the opening titles of Lawrence of Arabia. Finally, she gets to
the three-metre board and executes a lacklustre 1.5 rotation dive. Leon’s not
impressed, and tells her “The springboard can be your friend, or it can be your
enemy.” Jo tells him to be more positive, so he says “I love your costume.” Wow,
dig deep. Andy says that the springboard “takes an absolute lot of bottle,”
which may have been one of Fay Weldon’s rejected lines for the Milk Marketing
Board.
Another ad break sees
the Dominos bumpers point out “I think we’re witnessing something pretty
special here folks.” It’s true – the only way this could be more staggering
would be if the contestants were diving off the roof of an NCP.
With all the shoulder
injuries, broken noses, vertigo and tsunami flashbacks we’ve had so far, Omid Djalili
is going to have to fake a fatal allergy to water if he’s going to make any
kind of sympathetic impression. He knows he’s not the classic diver’s shape,
but he’s not too fussed, proudly explaining “I’m not a chiselled, high cheek-boned
ponce,” just as the camera cuts to Tom Daley. That’s awkward. Tonight, Omid has
decided to do a swan dive from the TEN METRE BOARD, and he’s surprisingly
graceful, if lacking a little finesse on his entry. Gabby is breathless with
enthusiasm, squealing “That may be one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen.
And I can look back and say I was there when it happened.” Funnily enough,
Twitter is currently awash with similar comments, although motivated by a
slightly different sentiment. Jo says that it was so majestic, it brought tears
to her eyes, but that could just as easily be down to the slapping sound as the
back of his legs hit the water.
After yet another
break, Gabby tells us the phone-lines are now closed, but it’s not clear
whether she means the voting numbers, or Ofcom’s switchboard. Promising “diving
as you’ve never seen it before” our hosts introduce a weird variety act,
combining dance and diving in a poorly choreographed James Bond pastiche. Think
The Brian Rogers Connection, but wetter. One girl in the audience is covering
her mouth in shock, and I’m making a very similar gesture.
With the votes in,
Jenni and Jake have to dive again for a place in the semi-final. Both perform
worse second time around, but Jake has done enough to go through to the next
round. As everyone congratulates themselves on a job well done, Gabby closes
the show with a lengthy catchphrase that involves dive-bombing and heavy
petting, and manages to talk right over Vernon’s sign-off. Still, we can’t hold
that against her.
Class.
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