Access denied

Dear user, your password has expired.

In order to access your account details, you’ll need to re-enter your old password, followed by your new password.

Then, simply confirm your new password.

Sorry, please re-enter your old password, and select a new password that is at least eight characters.

Then re-enter your new password to confirm.

Sorry, your new password needs to contain a combination of upper and lower case letters.

Please re-enter your old password, then select a new password that’s over eight characters, using upper and lower case letters.

Then re-enter your new password to confirm.

Sorry, we should also have mentioned that your new password needs to contain at least one number, and one special character.

Please enter your old password, then select a new password.

Then re-enter it to confirm.

Remember, your new password should be over eight characters, using a combination of upper and lower case letters, and must include a number and a special character.

Then re-enter your new password to confirm.

Sorry, ‘underscore’ is not a special character.

In fact, it’s barely punctuation.

Please try again.
Old password, then new password, then new password again.

Sorry, that’s one’s a bit too similar to your last password.

All you’ve done is change the number at the end.

And that one’s just your name, replacing the letter O with a zero.

Sorry, the password you have selected requires a greater security strength.

Please re-enter your old password, then select a new password, and confirm it.

Just to recap – over eight characters, upper and lower case, numbers and special characters, and not too similar to your last password.

That’s your mother’s maiden name, you’ve used that one before.

No, that’s your pin number.

And that one’s your alarm code.

You’re not really trying are you?

Right, you can’t have your dog’s name either.

Really? Your porn name?

Look, just re-enter your old password, and then select a new password.

You’ve managed to find gainful employment, this really can’t be so difficult.

Sorry, that password isn’t recognised.

Please try again and enter your old password.

Sorry, that’s the password for your LoveFilm account.

And that’s iTunes.

Amazon.

Did we ask you your bank account security question?

Just enter your old password.

You’ve done it fifty times in the last ten minutes.

Sorry, that’s your user ID, not a password.

One more incorrect password will trigger a security warning and notify our Internet Security team of potentially fraudulent activity on your account.

Take a deep breath.

Clear your mind.

Now please, re-enter your old password.

Sorry, that was the password for your Tesco Clubcard account.

Your account has now been locked.

In order to reactivate your account, you’ll need to speak to our digital security team.

They can unlock your account within the next 72 hours.

Simply call 0800 555 5555, and remember to have your telephone security password to hand.

You’ll need it to reset your details.

Please click here if you can’t remember your password for our telephone service.

Please enter your 16 digit account code.

Click here to request an automatic password reset generation email.

Please confirm the email address for your account.

Sorry, that email address is not recognised.

Please re-enter the email address for this account.

Thank you.

An automatic password reset email has been generated and sent to you.

Please open the email and click on the link to set a new password for your telephone account management service.

To access your email account, please enter your username and password.

Sorry, that password is not recognised.