Monday, 27 December 2010

The countdown continues

In case you missed yesterday's post, we're taking a look back at the events, people and tell-all-autobiographies that helped to shape 2010. If you don't like year-end reviews, check back here on New Year's Day for some fresh content. Otherwise, pretend you're like Guy Pearce, and join me in creating some new short term memories of the last 12 months.

March saw the arrival of a new kind of puritanism, as Florida offered tax breaks for family-friendly movies, Clearplay launched their automated film-censoring software, and a gay couple was controversially turned away from a British B&B by its Christian owners. Even a supposedly risqué photoshoot featuring a young Samantha Cameron turned out to be about as sexually incendiary as an Amish bonnet.

A different kind of traditionalism also made its presence felt/groped in Hollywood, as the producers of Pirates of the Caribbean announced that they only wanted to see actresses with all-natural treasures. At the same time, two gay teens made the headlines by being banned from their high school proms because of their proclivities.

Thankfully though, it wasn't all coyness and propriety in March, some people were still willing to spice up our lives with their bedroom antics. Fashion's most famous cadaver Karl Lagerfeld told the press he was proud to pay for rent boys, Donna Simpson told us all about fast food porn (people pay to watch her choke down 20 McNuggets), and even Darren Day was arrested due to his offensive weapon. Lonely gamers also discovered that they could rent a girl by the hour to accompany them in cyberspace while they played on their X-Boxes.

March also saw the arrival of Ke$ha, smeared in glitter gel and the remains of last night's burritos. It was clear from the start that she was out to steal Lady Gaga's crown, but our queen was too busy to take notice, as she proudly unveiled the Tarantino-influenced video to Telephone.

The differences between men and women were made more explicit for many, as adland delivered the world's first realistic commercial about periods, and Tyler Bowling showed the world his pearly penile papules (before regretting it and attempting to sue the TV network). Things were less clear in Brangelina's house, as it emerged that their daughter Shiloh has been displaying the signs of 'gender non-conformity'. But March was definitely the month for masculinity, as Tomasz Schafernaker revealed his warm front in Attitude magazine and one alpha male published his uber-butch vegan cookbook.

After the tedious traditionalism of March, April was refreshingly uninhibited. Christina Aguilera foreshadowed her recent X-Factor appearance by telling us that she was more sexual than ever, Ricky Martin revealed to the world what it had known for years about his vida loca, and even Archie and the gang got a new gay pal to hang out with at the beach. Sadly, the tolerance in Riverdale wasn't felt elsewhere in the States. David Archuleta got into a bit of a panic about being spotted in a gay bar and the right wingers compared homosexuality to having an amputee fetish.

People's hopes were temporarily raised when it was announced that Courtney Love was dead, until it turned out that Courtney herself had created the story to tell the world that she was 'killing off' that aspect of her life. In a similar vein, Britney tried to turn over a new leaf, by releasing unretouched pictures of herself from a recent magazine shoot, and Lindsay Lohan attempted to remind the world that she was more than a twenty-four year-old trainwreck, by taking on the role of Linda Lovelace in a biopic of the Deep Throat star.

It was a case of 'do as I say, not as I do' for two women who came to prominence in the 1980s. Madonna revealed that she struggles with her daughter Lourdes over her age-inappropriate wardrobe, despite the fact that she seemed to spend most of her early career dressed in scrunchies and lacy underwear. Mandy Smith also crawled out of the woodwork to lament the loss of innocence in today's youth, neatly sidestepping the fact that, as a teenager, she'd hooked up with a man old enough to be her chemistry teacher.

Controversy was everywhere in April, from the BBC irritating Doctor Who fans by running Graham Norton trailers over their favourite show, to Gisele and Tom Brady revealing plans for a 20,000 sq ft house that threatened to put half of California in the shade. However, public enemy number one was comedian Frankie Boyle, who shocked audiences with a string of jokes about people with Down's syndrome. At least he seems to have learned his lesson, and now studiously avoids offensive remarks.

While James Nguyen's astoundingly craptacular 'Birdemic' hit the big screen, Michael Bay was making plans to bring his explosive brand of bullshit to the small screen. And another popular TV show found itself courting a different kind of drama, as Nicollette Sheridan attempted to sue Desperate Housewives producer Marc Cherry for slapping her on-set. Interestingly, her claims were only marginally less believable than the usual plotlines on Wisteria Lane.

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