Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Tough to swallow

Attempting to lose weight in the US must be almost impossible. After all, it's the home of the all-you-can-eat buffet, where competitive eating is considered a viable Olympic sport, and where a 'side order' is so-called because it's the size of a home extension.

Everything's bigger in the States - the portions, the plates, even the disabled bathrooms (which are large enough to execute a three-point turn in a stretch limo without hitting the stalls). It's hardly surprising that there's widespread concern about the childhood obesity epidemic, especially when you see things like the 'world's largest gummy worm' being advertised.

Looking more like something you'd find coiled on the shelf of a Victoria's Secret, the jumbo gelatin treat is a gargantuan python of corn-syrupy goodness. It even boasts a 'ribbed body and a five-inch girth'. Sold yet?

To be fair, it's only available on the Vat19.com website, which offers all manner of 'curiously awesome products', but surely it's only a matter of time before the sugary serpent becomes a mainstay of the pick 'n' mix counter.

There's something deeply disturbing about watching someone trying to deep-throat a gargantuan coil of multi-coloured sweetness. Especially since it closely resembles the scene in Poltergeist 2 where Craig T Nelson disgorges a grotesque vomit monster after unwittingly swallowing the demonic grub in his bottle of tequila.

If the gummy worm doesn't test your gag reflex, viewing the promotional video might. Just try not to wince as the poor actor attempts to chew his way through a rubbery rope of pure calories that took a whole herd of cattle hooves to create.

Remember in Ghostbusters, when Gozer told our heroes to choose their fate? Well, the gummy worm works a little like that. Do you want to die from a sudden intake of 4,000 calories, or the inevitable onset of type 2 diabetes? Perhaps you're more traditional, and just like the idea of a plain old choking hazard.

OK, I admit it. It's revolting, grotesque and offensive. Which is why I'll be spending my money on the world's largest gummi bear instead. It's just as potentially life-threatening, but so much cuter.

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