Here is the news

In the ongoing battle for ratings, news programmes have dramatically shifted the emphasis they place on the role of the newsreader. The days of the stern, well-spoken authoritarian are long gone; now we have to endure countless mixed-sex pairings who engage in frothy lightweight banter in between hard-hotting stories about Iraqi insuregents or waterborne diseases in the Playboy grotto.

The challenge for producers, is to find a pair of presenters with enough chemistry to keep the conversation going whenever the satellite link plays up, without it degenerating into mindless chit-chat. Sometimes, however, even that's not enough, as ITV's recent Daybreak fiasco proved. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley might have been able to comfortably spark off each other on The One Show, but transplanted to a morning news show, they all the warm-hearted effervescence of Kramer vs Kramer.

It must be tough, trying to portray an effortless camaraderie in a series of tenuous segues and three-second wrap-ups. Viewers need to be left with the impression that, off-camera, you're forever popping in to borrow cups of sugar, or offering to pick up each other's kids from daycare.

But there's a fine line to tread. A bit of playful flirtation is fine, but we don't want to picture them sneaking off to the green room at the Christmas Party to make a different kind of live link-up.

The rules are pretty simple. 1) Laugh at each other's jokes, even when they're about as funny as a Shrek marathon. 2) Don't glaze over when your co-host is speaking. 3) Don't fight over who says what on the autocue. Finally (and this is REALLY important), 4) Leave their genitals out of the conversation.

Someone obviously forgot to give frosty newsreader Belinda Heggen the 101 of on-air etiquette, since the Adelaide-based presenter is now all over the internet thanks to her live putdown of co-host Mark Aiston. Following a brief OB about cricketer Andrew Strauss showing off his mini trophy, Aiston handed over to Belinda, saying "I just can't understand how something so small can be so impressive." 

Quick as a flash, the cold-hearted minx shot back with "Well Mark, you would know all about that." If her insinuation is true, the old news cliche of "This, just in..." must fill Aiston with shame, every time he hears it.

Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy - in the time it takes for Belinda to turn and face camera 2, you can almost hear Aiston's appendage shrivelling up inside his pubis. And she means it - no wink, no conciliatory smile, just a point-blank killshot and on with the show.

If Ten News wants to keep its ratings up, it should probably encourage the ongoing animosity between these two - it's got to be more entertaining than regular cricket updates. I imagine it wouldn't be too long before Aiston transmogrifies into Ron Burgundy, and tells Heggen to go back to her home on Whore Island.

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Watch the skies

The hateful bigots behind the 'National Organisation for Marriage' could be forgiven for congratulating themselves for their prescience last week, as it looked as though their dark predictions were finally coming true.

In case you haven't been following the news, NOM is a right wing movement dedicated to spreading hate, fear and intolerance. Somehow, they've convinced themselves that gay marriage is the biggest threat to modern life since the mushroom cloud of nuclear war.

According to their skewed logic, two men pledging their love for one another, threatened to undermine the integrity of marriage and render the entire concept obsolete. Although strangely, no such campaign was mounted against infidelity or divorce.

Inspired by the apocalyptic imagery of the Cold War, they ran a national ad campaign last year to highlight the threat to society posed by gay couples choosing to have their relationships publicly recognised in a ceremony of commitment. The ad depicted a bunch of concerned citizens (played by some of the least convincing actors outside of the home shopping network) glancing nervously at the gathering storm-clouds.

It all seemed so preposterously melodramatic, as though a thunderstorm of gay was about to shower the nation. Nonsense right?

Maybe not, at least according to last week's weather forecast for Texas. The meterologists at San Angelo, Texas' KLST station warned of a giant pink wang looming over the region, threatening to put the 'cum' in cumulonimbus and deposit a motherload of God-knows-what on the innocent people of the Lonestar state.

It's unclear whether or not the gigantic cock ever materialised, but I hope that anyone caught in the eventual downpour used the appropriate protection. Otherwise we can look forward to widespread reports of an mass outbreak of pink-eye.

I can see your Cox

After all the chatter on here about gay dating websites and fast-food hook-ups, it's nice to see a straight dating site hitting the headlines for a change. Miami Living magazine (your guide to everything pastel) has found itself in hot water for unwittingly running an ad with 'adult' content.

The new spring/summer issue features a full-page ad for dating service EstablishedMen.com, a relationship site which claims to connect "ambitious and attractive girls with successful and generous benefactors to fulfill their lifestyle needs". A whore by any other name and all that.

They say there's someone out there for everyone, and this site proves that men whose wallets are as bulging as their pants can easily find a willing young trollop to play house with. As long as they're not too concerned about finding their next ex-wife on Dial-A-Sugar-Daddy.

However, it's not the site's core offering that's causing controversy, it's the ad's somewhat creative use of Photoshop. At first glance, it all seems so innocent - two comely young lasses in lingerie, reclining seductively and giving their best 'come hither' glances.

But what's that looming over them? Could that be the shadow of an erect penis? Saints be praised - it IS an erect penis, in glorious silhouette.

Of course, the magazine's editorial team is shocked that they could have let a penis slip into their publication without them realising. Editor-in-Chief Vanessa Pascale told Fox News "This was just now brought to our attention. Miami Living magazine would like to apologise for not noticing the image. We hope that our audience recognises that we were just as surprised as they were to find this out. I myself have looked over the magazine dozens of times..." Hmmmm, I bet she has...

Making matters worse is the fact that the the phantom phallus found its place in what's been dubbed as the 'Cox Issue' thanks to its front-cover feature on ex-Friends star Courtney Cox-Arquette.

I'm sure the advertising team at EstablishedMen.com are slapping themselves on the Hugo Boss-clad back for staging such an amazing coup, even though the ad is somewhat disingenuous. If they really wanted to represent what young women get out of the arrangement, surely they would have Photoshopped in the shadow of a money clip.

Caution, bumps ahead

Regular readers of this blog will know that I'm an advocate of alliteration. So imagine my joy when I discovered that there's a disfiguring genital condition called 'pearly penile papules'. Then imagine my disgust when I saw pictures of it.

Groinal disorders aren't a regular topic on p0pvulture (unless you count the regular references to Paris and Katie), but there's a reason for their inclusion today. 21-year old Tyler Bowling is suing American TV network CBS for exposing him (not like that) on a show called The Doctors.

Apparently, Bowling was concerned that little Tyler was a little too 'ribbed for her pleasure' and hoped that an appearance on the show would be rewarded with free surgery to have his pearly papules removed. Problem is, it didn't occur to him that people might actually watch the show.

So despite the fact that he chose to talk about his coral-covered cock on national TV, he wants CBS to pay for the fact that he has subsequently suffered "relentless embarrassment and harassment" in the form of calls and emails. The way he tells it, he was "tricked" into appearing on the show, where he discussed his penile problems and then watched with a grimace as a cucumber had its bumps slowly lasered away.

If anything, Bowling should be happy that he lives in a country that would never dream of showing actual reproductive organs on TV - vegetables are about as explicit as it gets.

Here in the UK, we get Dr Christian Jessen and his pals, who aren't happy unless they're prodding away at a pair of scaly breasts, cupping someone's balls or wiping unspeakable amounts of gunk from their nether regions. Channel 4's 'Embarrassing Bodies' doesn't shy away from the gory details - you can't help but wonder what makes people want to disrobe and bend over in front of a camera crew. It must make for some pretty awkward conversations at work the following day.

Tyler may have been teased for his appearance, but at least he was spared any humiliating close-ups. In the end, he just got to sit in the studio audience, answer a few questions and watch as a dermatologist started preparing a Greek salad. Not that different from being a guest on Saturday Kitchen really.