Protesting too much?

Oh Nadine!

It should have all been so easy. She's got the voice, the swishy hair, and legs like a pubescent giraffe. Her solo career should have been a no-brainer.

Unfortunately for the Chupa-Chup chanteuse, she's the no-brainer in question. Why else would she have decided to sign an exclusive deal with Tesco for her debut album? I can picture the scene now: "I'm just popping to the supermarket to pick up some Toilet Duck, Mini-Kievs and the new Nadine Coyle CD."

Now, to hear Nadine tell it (in an accent that could warp a copper kettle), it's all about the music. In looking for a home for her solo career, she claims that she turned down all the major labels, in favour of the one with 'value' on it.

Describing the bidding war that sprung up when Nadine announced plans to branch out on her own, her manager claims "It wasn't just waving cheque books at her. Tesco has a massive marketing campaign, which is innovative. It uses every aspect of Teco's canopy of services: the entertainment section, the cosmetics... Tesco card holders...Nadine is putting the launch of the rest of her life in the hands of a company that she trusts. And we will get their undivided attention." As long as there's not a recall on frozen sausage rolls.

He has a point. Whilst her bandmate had to settle for a full-scale production in front of 15 million TV viewers, lucky old Nadine was invited to perform to a bunch of Tesco executives at their annual management conference. Score!

Last Sunday it was revealed that Nadine's debut single Insatiable had limped to number 26 in the charts, as Cheryl's second CD entered the album charts at number one. But Nadine's not bitter, her lips are just naturally pursed.

She told Star magazine "To be honest, I'm happier doing what I'm doing now, no matter what the sales are like. I'd rather be singing in pubs for 50 quid a night and be happy than doing something that I wasn't really interested in or passionate about. For me, it's not about money or fame or getting on big television shows - it's about being happy with myself."

I'm not sure exactly which 'big television show' she's talking about. It must be yet another passive-aggressive dig at the Nation's Sweetheart. Because she couldn't possibly be referring the Irish edition of Popstars which she lied about her age to take part in. Or Popstars: The Rivals, which saw her win a place in Girls Aloud. That would be like biting the hand that feeds her (then sticks its finger down her throat).

But it's hard to know what Nadine means. She's not exactly consistent when it comes to talking about her life or career. She can claim that it's all about being happy, and yet in the next breath she says that she's "absolutely gutted" that she only just scraped into the top 30.

Cheryl might have "the power of The X Factor and Simon Cowell behind her", but she also has the goodwill of the nation. And that's worth more than the other two put together. Nadine may have the better voice, but she's also got a massive chip on her shoulder. Not that she'd ever dream of eating it.

Normal service resumes

And just like that, the holiday was over. Our last couple of days were spent ticking the last few items off our 'must see' list for San Francisco, trudging swollen-footed around such notable sights as the Museum of Modern Art and the Palace of Fine Arts. Along the way we made enough return trips to Abercrombie & Fitch to constitute a formal pilgrimage.

But that's all over now - we're home and unpacked, which means two things - a shitload of laundry and about fourteen hours of X-Factor on the Sky+ to wade through. So the washing machine's spinning happily, and so's the disc drive of the PVR unit. But you're already up-to-date with the runny mascara and last-minute changes, so I won't bore you with a delayed reaction to something you've already forgotten.

However, what did strike me, as we sat down to catch up on all the action from the last couple of weeks, was the fact that the press are still falling over themselves to report on every side-eyed glance between the judges, and every potential conflict between the contestants. And it looks as though there's plenty of backstage gossip for them to be getting on with.

So say a big 'thank you' to the TV gods who saw fit to give us the gift of Katie Waissel - a girl who makes Norma Desmond seem shy and unassuming. Demonstrating a flair for the dramatic that made good on her promise to be a star in "music, acting, fashion and medicine", this Lady Gaga/Marie Curie hybrid turned on the waterworks at the judges' home stage of the competition.

Attempting to sing Charlie Chaplin's Smile from under a pair of false eyelashes that looked like something Pepe Le Pew would rape, she broke down because the song was "very emotional". After a mini breakdown, she managed to pull things together to perform it properly second time around. Even Cheryl Cole called her on being a drama queen, and that's someone who thought Ashley was good marriage material.

When she's not strolling through a cornfield twirling Mary Poppins' parasol for her close-ups, Katie is actually a fiercely competitive contestant, and has even roped in her family to fight her corner. Today's Mail features an exclusive story about Katie's mother, a 'boutique owner' from Harefield, Middlesex, who's complaining that Tesco is exerting its considerable might behind frumpy check-out worker Mary Byrne.

Smelling another SuBo-shaped phenomenon, the supermarket giant is backing its home-grown heroine, perhaps in hope that they'll score an another exclusive distribution deal for the inevitable album. After all, those Nadine Coyle CDs aren't likely to fly off the shelves.

According the Mail's coverage, Tesco has sent emails to its 300,000 employees reminding them of Byrne's appearance in the live shows. Although, anyone who's ever read any kind of internal communications messaging knows how desperate they are for content. Getting an employee into the UK's most popular show is quite a coup for Tesco, it's hardly surprising that they'd want to shout it from the service station rooftops.

Always keen to sniff out a scandal, the Mail points out that they were the ones to break the story last week that "a rival chain had complained about the X-Factor's promotion of Tesco. The company was mentioned eight times in just three shows featuring Byrne." Given that the "I work on a till at Tesco" has now replaced "I'm doing this for my dead Dad" in the sob-story stakes, I'm not sure anyone at the UK's number one supermarket would be overjoyed by the coverage.

To hear Mary talk about her day job, you'd think she was forced to fill in for Hercules, cleaning the Augean Stables with her toothbrush for 18 hours a day. Not swiping loose vegetables over a scanner and packing a few bags.

Nonetheless, Tesco has remained upbeat and supportive of Mary, denying it was attempting to influence people's vote, but adding "She has reached the X-Factor finals on her talent alone." Which is more than can be said for Katie, who's yet to find a song that doesn't sound better on the second go-round. Her mother can bitch about Tesco's influence all she like, but Katie's biggest deficit is her like-ability, not a network of supportive work colleagues.

Sour grapes? That'll be aisle five, next to the bananas.