Do it yourself

It's almost as if the world has actually stopped spinning. There is literally no news about anything. So what's a blogger to do?

I could try and write about Katie Price driving her hot-pink horsebox in a reckless manner. But would that really come as any surprise?

How about covering Pete Doherty's arrest over cocaine possession? That's like the Pope being arrested for wearing robes.

Oooh, hang on a minute. Lord Sugar has announced that the new Apprentice hopefuls are all 'credible'. Nope, can't really do anything with that either. They're all likely to be slick of hair, loud of mouth and wide of tie.

This is the problem with writing a daily blog - you're dependent on interesting or surprising things happening. Without them, it's just a random selection of words with little or no reason for being.

Since the celebrities of the world are unwilling to cooperate today, here's a 'build your own p0pvulture' - simply choose your own elements and chuckle away.

First, pick a name:

Katie Price, Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton, Liz Jones, David Hasselhoff, Simon Cowell, Susan Boyle, Angelina Jolie, Demi Moore, Madonna, Jan Moir, Ann Coulter, Beth Ditto, Lady Gaga, Christina Hendricks, Louis Walsh, Posh Spice, Cheryl Cole, David Beckham.

Now choose a news item:

Cheating, smuggling, whoring, snorting, lying, quoting, slamming, driving, drinking, drinking and driving, adopting, bitching, Tweeting, auditioning, interviewing, singing, judging.

Kick off your sentences with a few loose conjunctions:

However, given that, on the other hand, with this in mind, nonetheless, it's funny, surprisingly, unsurprisingly, predictably, with, but and although.

Then finally throw in a few similes, a little alliteration and a couple of snippy remarks at the end of every other paragraph.

It's that easy. Let me know how you get on. And if you have any ideas for new posts, please let your blogger know...

All good things must come to an end

Tonight's the night folks. It's the end of series five of The Apprentice, as Kate faces off against Yasmina for the coveted title of whatever bullshit job Alan Sugar can muster up for them. Because let's be honest, it's never really been about the job has it? How many times have you heard one of the candidates state confidently that they really want to work for Sir Alan, without ever giving a reason for holding such a death wish?

Nonetheless, millions will tune in tonight to see the women's battle royale. Kate is the spare Appleton sister that Natalie and Nicole keep in a cupboard incase Shaznay insists on going for lunch. Despite the fact that her mouth is on the side of her face, like Picasso's idea of a pin-up, she's far more likeable than hard-faced Yasmina who has a vast forehead and all the easy-going charm of Robert Mugabe. It's a tough one to call in terms of who'll win, but it's clear who's going to lose - Nick Hewer. Because Margaret Mountford has announced that this will be her final Apprentice appearance.

Nick and Margaret are Sir Alan's squinty eyes and ears on every task, tutting disdainfully at every cretinous remark and holding their head in their hands at every failed negotiation. Although they are only usually seen together in the boardroom, they have a Butch and Sundance quality whereby it's hard to imagine one without the other. Margaret is leaving to focus on her PhD in papyrology, although I imagine she could also find work as a Tony Benn lookalike.

Interestingly, Sir Alan could be following Margaret if Tory politician John Whittingdale gets his way. Speaking to the Mail on Sunday, Wittingdale claims that Sir Alan's recent appointment as an 'Enterprise Tsar' for the government represents a conflict of interest, and that he needs to stand down from his role on The Apprentice. However, I wonder whether Wittingdale has even seen The Apprentice, since he describes Sir Alan as the show's 'presenter'. Not that it's anything new for Tory politicians to decry something that they haven't even seen. It seems to me that this is someone taking an opportunistic swipe at the BBC (and where better to do that in the Mail?) and name-checking The Apprentice on the day of the final to ensure some high profile coverage.