Sharon gets ugly (again)

Proving that there's no bitch like an old bitch, Sharon Osbourne has decided to show the caring maternal instinct that won her the title of Freemans Celebrity Mum of the Year in 2006. Appearing on a US radio show hosted by Opie and Anthony, the Wicked Witch of the West Coast decided to take a pop at the world's newest middle-aged sweetheart.

Talking about Susan Boyle, Sharon (whose greatest gift to the world was a pair of entitled brats with substance abuse issues) described the showtune-loving spinster as having a face like a "slapped arse".

Encouraged by the laughing goons in the studio, Osbourne continued: "She does look like a hairy arsehole. She's a lovely lady, but she needs a Gillette razor. [God] gave her the talent. Yes he did. [And] he hit her with a fucking ugly stick."

Which is a little rich, given that Sharon has spent over £120,000 transforming herself from frumpy housefrau to well-loved national matriarch. And she still looks like Alex Reid's alter-ego Roxanne. 

Susan Boyle may never be the face of L'Oreal, but at least all her shortcomings are superficial. Sharon's unpleasantness is on the inside too, which makes one wonder just where she's been putting her own ugly stick.

Pots and kettles

Who doesn't love Kelly Osbourne? Actually that's a rhetorical question, you don't need to answer. Despite looking like a Pizza Express doughball in a bad wig, and having no discernible skills or talent, she loves to lay into anyone else vying for attention in the public eye. As opinionated as she is ill-informed, she's always game for a knuckle-gnawingly awful soundbite about someone more famous.

In fact, type 'Kelly Osbourne attacks' into Google and over 200,000 results come back. Paris Hilton,Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Amy Winehouse and the Spice Girls have all felt the sharp end of Kelly's overworked tongue. Although, technically, Amy was defriended rather than attacked. Big difference apparently.

This week, Kelly's turned her beady eye on flavour-of-the-month Lady GaGa. Although she grudgingly admitted liking GaGa's music, she condemned the eccentric popstrel as being a butterface. But the hypocrisy doesn't stop there. Kelly also said "I just wish she'd keep her mouth shut. She talks way too much and has too much attitude."

Still, this casual venom should hardly come as a surprise, given Kelly's unique heritage. After all, this is a girl who fondly recalls the times when her mother Sharon would get her and Jack to shit in a box, then send it to any journalists that had annoyed her. With that in mind, I'd love to see the criteria for Celebrity Mother of the Year, which Sharon won in 2006. Maybe Kerry Katona was busy that year?