Back to Black

I'm sure the bookmakers at William Hill are expecting a tough few days ahead, as the morbid gamblers who predicted an early departure for Amy Winehouse show up to collect their winnings. And yet, despite the grim inevitability of her decline, there was something truly shocking about reading the news this evening that we'd lost one of our most promising and troubled music stars. Her own parents predicted it would end this way, and yet that doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Sadly, despite the inarguable quality of her minimal yet memorable ouvre, Amy's notoriety was based on her defiant drug and alcohol abuse, rather than her remarkable voice or songwriting talent. It's easy to say that we've lost one of the most amazing musicians of our generation, but the timeless quality of her voice, and her obvious love of sixties soul, suggest that she actually belonged to another generation entirely.

Like many people, I came to her music late in the day. Her debut album pretty much passed me by, with the exception of the breezily jaded 'Fuck Me Pumps' - it took Black to Black to really win me over. Mark Ronson's gutsy and authentic recreation of the sound of Atlantic soul perfectly complemented Amy's earthily blunt vocals, and together they created magic. Even back in 2006, the lead single 'Rehab' articulated, with unflinching honesty, Amy's issues with alcohol abuse, and her unwillingness to resolve them. As she started notching up the platinum sales and industry awards, the song took on a life of its own - a giant 'fuck you' to the people who worried that she was going off the rails.

With her career in the ascendent, her health seemed to be heading in the opposite direction as her toxically codependent relationship with Blake Fielder-Civil went from strength to Export Strength. At one point her knight in rusted armour even boasted openly to the tabloids that he'd introduced her to heroin and crack, the way a regular person might proudly present the Mrs to their new boss.

For the last four years, the fans waited patiently in hope that Amy would get herself clean long enough to produce the long awaited third album. Having already sidestepped the standard issues associated with the difficult second album by delivering an impeccable sophomore release, all bets were off in terms of part 3. And now I guess we'll never get to hear it.

No doubt Amy's record label will be quick to open the vault and release whatever demos and incomplete recordings they can get their hands on. Perhaps sensing that Amy's flame would burn out quickly, they had already re-released her earlier albums in deluxe editions to wring as much revenue as possible from a catalogue as thin as its creator.

She's now joined a depressing list of awesome talents who blinded audiences with a talent that burned bright, only for it to be extinguished before their 28th year came around. She told us "You know I'm no good", but the world begged to differ.

No X please, we're musicians

With two weeks left to go before the new X-Factor champ is crowned in a flurry of glitter and bombast, it's time to start thinking about life after X. Viewers have a four-week respite before switching over to ITV2 for the next series of American Idol, and this year's contestants will be knuckling down for a grueling 52 date tour.

But what about life after that? Irrespective of who wins, several of the final 12 will release albums in the next twelve months which will likely follow the same inauspicious path of Eoghan Quigg, who must have set a land-speed record in his rush to the bargain bin.

That's the problem with the X-Factor - it's a soap opera rather than an effective A&R strategy. Viewers get caught up in the drama, they vote for their favourites, and they boo the cartoon villains. But they never actually express a desire to buy the musical output.

The true measure of whether or not someone has the X-Factor, lies in the audience's willingness to support the acts outside of the glare from Simon's teeth. Thankfully, one ex-factor alumnus has a plan to help contestants cope with the post-traumatic stress of anonymity. Ben Mills, the gravel-voiced rocker who was beaten by both Leona (understandable) and Ray Quinn (unforgivable), intends to open a 'sanctuary' for the show's runner-ups.

Like Windsor Safari Park with a mixing desk, the rehab-meets-recording studio concept will be "somewhere that people who have been on a show like X Factor could come...and talk about what they've been through." I guess the first step towards recovery is admitting that you're not very good.

Ben's intention is to look after reality TV contestants who are "struggling with their fame". Or lack thereof. He's even planning to have "some llama and a few kangaroos." Seriously, I am not making any of this up. 

But what about the rest of the music industry? How will it cope in a post-X-Factor world? Not well, if The Guardian is to be believed - pop music is dying as a result of Simon's ratings juggernaut. In an article filled with loftily arrogant statements about the idiocy of the masses, various commentators come forward to condemn both the format and its audiences. Alan McGee who signed Oasis and managed the Libertines, claims "If you are stupid enough to watch it that is what you get, you deserve it. I have no pity for you."

The rest of the article rehashes the same old arguments - pop music as commodity versus indie music as art, singer-songwriters being inherently more worthy than vocalists. But popular music doesn't have to be high art. And no-one ever dismissed an orchestra for only ever doing cover versions of other people's compositions.

The most annoying quote, however, comes from Jon Savage who wrote England's Dreaming, a history of punk. He describes X-Factor viewers as "people who aren't passionate about music. And there's always been a huge market for people who weren't passionate about music." Maybe you're not authentically passionate about music until you've stood in a Camden basement watching Amy Winehouse bleeding from the toes.

If nothing else, the X-Factor is now the last format standing for getting music artists in front of a mainstream audience. With no Top of the Pops, no Chart Show and no CD:UK, this is the only music-specific TV show left. Even if the audience wouldn't know 'real music' if they fell over it. 

We demand a recount

An interesting development in the X-Factor camp today, as news emerged about plans for controversial contestant Laura White's debut single. Once fêted as the favourite to win, Laura caused a public outcry when she was shockingly voted off by the judges in the fifth week of the contest.

Such was the impact of the scratchy-voiced warbler's sudden departure, people rushed to accuse ITV of a 'conspiracy'. Adele, Lily Allen and Alesha Dixon all weighed in on the subject, speaking out in interviews and blogging about the injustice of it all.

Weirdly, the topic even made the Houses of Parliament as Culture Secretary Andy Burnham contradicted himself, saying "MPs should resist the temptation to comment on editorial matters although the temptation is great in my case, having seen the wonderful and talented Laura White very harshly voted off X Factor on Saturday."

Despite the fact that she had a thoroughly affected singing style and a voice that could worry livestock, she was the darling of fans of 'proper music'. These natural enemies of all things popular thought that she was an authentic artist, rather than a complicit pop puppet. No-one ever seemed to point out that she was simply rehashing the Amy/Duffy/Adele 'white girl soul sound' that was so very now... 12 months ago.

With the X-Factor excitement now a dim and distant memory, the contestants are starting to re-emerge from their recording studio hibernation to share the fruits of their labour. Schoolgirls' favourite Eoghan Quigg sadly fell at the first hurdle with an ear-raping album of wretched covers described by PopJustice founder Peter Robinson as the "worst album in the history of recorded sound".

So understandably the pressure's on to ensure that Laura doesn't follow in the dragging footsteps of little Eoghan's sneakers. And her management have come up with a fairly innovative idea to ensure that they can't be accused of screwing it up.

It was announced today that Laura's fans will be given the chance to decide on the song that she releases as her debut single. Having questioned whether she even wanted a career in music after her disappointing exit from the show, her mind was changed by the "immense amount of support" she received from fans. So now she's repaying the favour by allowing them to decide on what happens next with her career. Let's just hope that her loyal supporters actually bother to vote this time around.

Here comes trouble...

It's been a long time coming, but it looks as though Amy Winehouse has finally turned a corner, straight into a hair salon. After eight months in St Lucia, where she has been busy recording her third album, getting herself clean and 'causing untold human suffering', she's looking healthier than she's been in years.

As well as putting on some much needed weight and having the worst of her wretched beehive hacked off, she's even discovered sleeves, meaning her arms look more like arms and less like the mischievously graffiti'd walls of a child's nursery.

She originally flew out to St Lucia before Christmas for a much needed holiday from her busy life as a tragic piece of performance art. But before too long she fell in love with the island and decided to stay. Her record label even stumped up the cash to allow her to record her new album there. In the meantime, she spent her time getting banned from various bars and hotels, and adopting a bunch of stray dogs.

Not everyone on St Lucia was delighted about La Winehouse's residency, with some people treating her stay more like a troublesome infestation. But with Rentokill unable to solve this particular problem, ex-government spokesperson Jeff Fedee decided to take matters into his own hand. Calling Amy a "tattooed reptile", he suggested that "She would be a menace... to St Lucian society, because the demons that inhabit her tortured body will still have to be fed." Which is probably a little extreme, given that Amy's worst crimes were drug-dependency and a propensity for appearing in loose denim cut-offs.

Hopefully this means Amy's put the worst of it behind her, and is finally strong enough to wrestle her sixties-throwback crown from the thatched head of the Welsh pretender to the throne. A new album would be nice too.

Pots and kettles

Who doesn't love Kelly Osbourne? Actually that's a rhetorical question, you don't need to answer. Despite looking like a Pizza Express doughball in a bad wig, and having no discernible skills or talent, she loves to lay into anyone else vying for attention in the public eye. As opinionated as she is ill-informed, she's always game for a knuckle-gnawingly awful soundbite about someone more famous.

In fact, type 'Kelly Osbourne attacks' into Google and over 200,000 results come back. Paris Hilton,Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Amy Winehouse and the Spice Girls have all felt the sharp end of Kelly's overworked tongue. Although, technically, Amy was defriended rather than attacked. Big difference apparently.

This week, Kelly's turned her beady eye on flavour-of-the-month Lady GaGa. Although she grudgingly admitted liking GaGa's music, she condemned the eccentric popstrel as being a butterface. But the hypocrisy doesn't stop there. Kelly also said "I just wish she'd keep her mouth shut. She talks way too much and has too much attitude."

Still, this casual venom should hardly come as a surprise, given Kelly's unique heritage. After all, this is a girl who fondly recalls the times when her mother Sharon would get her and Jack to shit in a box, then send it to any journalists that had annoyed her. With that in mind, I'd love to see the criteria for Celebrity Mother of the Year, which Sharon won in 2006. Maybe Kerry Katona was busy that year?