A-list for effort

If you switched on the news last week you'd have been forgiven for thinking that the end of the world was nigh. On Wednesday, a bunch of students threw down their rolling papers in disgust and stormed the Conservative headquarters to protest the government's decision to increase tuition fees. Fire extinguishers were thrown, placards were waved and hair went unwashed.

Those arguing in favour of tuition fees are quick to point out the abuses and indulgences of academia as reason enough for people to fund their own studies. And based on an 'exclusive' feature in today's Mail On Sunday, I have to concede that they have a point.

Plugging her new book Starstruck, Elizabeth Currid-Halkett has written about her "major research project at the University of Southern California" to "understand the mechanics behind celebrity".

Sounds promising - even more intellectually robust than a degree in Lady Gaga studies. So what alarming insights has Currid-Halkett uncovered in the process of unravelling the mystery of modern celebrity?

Erm... well, apparently famous people have their pictures taken in London, Los Angeles and New York. She knows this because she and her colleague Gilad Ravid waded through 600,000 shots on Getty Images. As Elizabeth explains: "stars need to show up in key locations". I can smell the Pulitzer from here.

But there's more. Celebs also go to places like Sundance Film Festival, even if, like Paris Hilton, they don't actually have a film in competition.

Paris gets special mention, since she represents the kind of person who is "all celebrity - their fame driven by the ink spilled about them in gossip columns". But Paris and her ilk also understand the importance of keeping the company of A-listers, which helps to keep their profile high, because "celebrity networks produce a very different outcome" than meeting a few friends for dinner.

Liz's final silver bullet is the previously undiscovered gem that "celebrities cultivate a collective obsession with their personas which requires making themselves available." Astounding stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

So, what have we learned here? Celebrities have their pictures taken, mix with other famous people and live their lives in the public eye. That was a year well-spent.

This bewilderingly pointless article ends with the following paragraph: "One thing has become abundantly clear: with the billions of pounds backing it, the millions of jobs created and society's seemingly unyielding desire for more, celebrity is a social and economic phenomenon worth taking seriously." Sadly, the same can't be said for the burgeoning phenomenon of celebrity studies. Please see me after class.

The girl who cried wolf

As criminal masterminds go, no-one's every going to confuse Paris Hilton with Professor Moriarty. She only stays in her family's hotels as an aide-mémoire for spelling her own name.

Why else would she be caught out, not once, not twice, but three times in a single summer for alleged drug possession?

The first time could reasonably be written off as a case of over-zealous police spotting an easy target. The second time the mud starts to stick. But the third arrest means that she's probably carrying more drugs than a dodgy pharmacist.

On Saturday morning, everyone's favourite social-blight and her boyfriend were snagged by Las Vegas police at a traffic stop, when officers claimed that they could smell “the strong odor of marijuana coming from [their] vehicle.”

Displaying near super-human levels of quick thinking, the trouble-making tart made a dash for the bathroom, citing embarrassment and a desperate need to pee. She also, quite rightly, added that she needed to apply her lip-gloss - because no-one wants cracked, dry lips when they're giving the mugshot camera their best duck-face.

At this point the canny cops noticed that there appeared to be a 'bindle' of cocaine in Paris' purse, especially when the clueless car-wreck tipped it straight into the officer's outstretched hand. Come on, don't act like you've never inadvertently dropped a wrap of class-A into a policeman's palm.

Before you could say 'TTYN', Paris was arrested and charged with felony cocaine possession. This time, however, it doesn't look as though the charges will be dropped as quickly as when Paris was fingered at the World Cup. No, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter.

Given that Paris seems to live her life as though she's appearing in an early season of Beverly Hills 90210, her first excuse was that she didn't know the cocaine was in the purse. She could account for the bundle of cash, the credit card and a broken Albuterol tablet, but stressed that she'd never seen the coke before.

That story didn't seem to fly, so Paris decided to cry victim and allege that she'd been set up by some unscrupulous party-goer, telling friends "It could be a setup. Everyone knows how against cocaine I am."

But the best alibi to emerge from this whole preposterous palaver, is the one offered by a 'source' who spoke to The Sun. They told the tabloid "This purse in question was a high street brand - and by no means up to her high fashion standards. Paris is hoping authorities will see sense and let her off the hook." Now there's a rock solid defence if ever there was one.

At least now we're one step closer to understanding the logic behind the long-running reality show 'Paris Hilton's My New BFF' - which depicts her tireless search for new best friends. With such a prolific drug habit, it seems that she's always going to need a host of sacrificial lambs to take the fall, whenever she gets grabbed with a gram in her Gucci.

What's that on your head?

Poor old Paris Hilton. She seems to attract trouble like Tara Reid attracts half-empty tequila bottles. The poor girl can't go anywhere without the paparazzi performing a smear test with a telephoto lens, or someone trying to arrest her for drug possession.

But despite the regular police interventions and invasive photography, Paris is a hard-worker, dedicated to keeping up the night-job. Those newly-opened nightclubs won't attend themselves - our girl needs to be out and about, showing her face and living it large...

Since this is world where fame is measured in terms of column inches generated, rather than any kind of tangible output, Paris is seen as the holy grail (an empty vessel with little physical value - how apt) for celebrity endorsements.

So brands are constantly sticking things in her mouth, pinning them on her clothes or attaching them to her head in the hope that she'll raise the profile of their products. At least that's how it's supposed to work.

The hard-partying celebutante is in yet another legal tangle, this time with Hairtech International, who are suing our plastic princess. Paris' crime? She went out in the wrong hair. Oh stop sniffing - we've all done it.

Hairtech is looking to claim $35 million in damages, "for fraud and deceit, unjust enrichment and breach of contract" because Paris was spotted partying wearing someone else's lustrous blonde hair extensions back in 2008. Seriously, this is the world we live in.

Not only was Paris signed to an exclusive contract with Hairtech for all her artificial hairpiece needs (for $3.5 million, no less), the company had built an entire campaign around 'spot Paris Hilton'.

In retrospect, that might have been a rather silly decision, since her ubiquity on the party circuit would make it pretty hard not to spot her. Maybe Lord Lucan wasn't on the market for any hair extensions.

Hairtech is also pissed that Paris neglected to attend a commercial shoot, and the Dream Catcher launch party. Although, to be fair, she was in jail at the time. I know the US legal system tends to be pretty lenient on its celebrity inmates, but even they draw the line at day release to attend a party.

Oh my God that Britney's shameless

With the new year still in its infancy, lots of people are still looking back at 2009 and making a mental audit of everything they experienced throughout the year. For instance, Lady GaGa had a great year, Michael Jackson and Jade Goody less so.

As far as Britney Spears is concerned, the jury's still out. She did manage to claw herself back from round-the-clock psychiatric supervision and popped out a couple more massive hit singles. But she also had to endure the ignominy of mass walkouts from her concerts when it emerged that she was lip-synching, rather than performing live. Although anyone genuinely shocked by the idea of Britney miming deserves to be fleeced out of a couple of hundred dollars. What next? Magazine readers shocked to find that Demi Moore pictures have been airbrushed?

Still, after an unprecedented year of intrusive press coverage, Britney is fighting back. In an unusual demonstration of self-awareness, Team Britney has created a fascinating countdown of bullshit called 'The Year in BS' that highlights all of their favourite made-up stories.

It turns out that over 13,000 stories were written about Britney in 2009, but the vast majority of them were about as believable as one of her live performances. The website claims "we ranked the ones we believe were the most ridiculous. Either because they were factually inaccurate, because they reported the patently absurd, or because we believe they are simply offensive to the sensibilities."

The list details all manner of misreported non-events, it's like a bumper annual of the News of the World showbiz pages. Knockbacks, new boyfriends, audience protests - all the most controversial and shocking stories are meticulously rehashed for Britney fans to bite their thumb at.

The problem is, there's no effort to set the story straight on any of the issues. Britney's dedicated fans are expected to believe the official version of events, without having an actual story to buy into. It's basically just 75 'no comments' one after the other.

Given that 2008 was a year when Britney's sanest moments included shaving her head, having a stand-off with the police, attacking a car with an umbrella and enjoying the company of Paris Hilton, it's no wonder that people were willing to believe pretty much anything about her.

Living the dream?

"What happened to the dreams of a girl president
She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent
They travel in packs of two or three
With their itsy bitsy doggies and their teeny-weeny tees..."
Stupid Girl, by P!nk

Call it the Paris Effect. Apparently, tired of seeing pictures of Britney, Lindsay, Paris et al falling out of limousines and their dresses, the public is turning its back on the 'stupid girls' who clog up the pages of celebrity magazines. Instead, we're facing a new dawn of good, old-fashioned etiquette.

According to an article by Reuters journalist Michelle Nichols, the combination of public bad behaviour and a tough economy are encouraging women to improve their morals and manners, in the process giving them a better chance in their chosen careers.

The proof of this dramatic shift in conduct is summed up in a new lifestyle book called "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World." Written by 24-year old Jordan Christy from Nashville, Tennessee, the book has rather archaic-sounding chapters like 'Keep Your Chin Up and Your Skirt Down', 'Dress to Impress' and 'Let Him Come Calling'. Christy maintains that "there are a lot of people out there who want to see a return to our feminine values" and so she's waging a war on those with an absence of morals, class and functioning underwear.

Given the popularity of shows such as VH1's "Charm School" and Britain's "Ladette to Lady," this latest development shouldn't really come as any surprise. Although I suspect that audiences choose to watch these shows because they relish the element of culture clash, rather than because they secretly dream of walking with half a bookcase balancing on their heads.

So what does this mean in an era of tit-tape and Brazilian waxes? The world of celebrity is full of young women who think finishing school is where you go to learn how to end a massage. And there are still millions who devour their every misdeed and misadventure.

We may aspire to their wealth and lifestyle, but deep down we have the self-respect to conduct ourselves with a little more deportment. We see their nude photos, sex videos and nightclub rampages, and feel a little better about ourselves. The self-respect that Christy is concerned with, is actually hardwired into most ordinary people. People who'd actually know if one of their breasts was hanging out the side of their dress in a crowded room. Rather than wishing we were them, I think deep down, we're rather glad that we're not.

Paris and Pixels

Time to rejoice, as Paris Hilton lays claim to yet another media platform in her quest for global domination. This time, she's leveraged her international celebrity to launch a new game for mobile phones in India.

Despite a title that makes Paris sound like she's challenging Indiana Jones as the world's pre-eminent treasure-hunter, Paris Hilton's Diamond Quest is actually a Bejeweled-style game that involves lining up three jewels of the same colour. Oddly enough, the game would have worked just as well with brain cells, but may have been tougher to market.

The game also features lots of images of "Hilton parading her jewels", which can't have been too challenging for her, since she already made a video doing just that. Players are teasingly invited to 'hop on board her private jet and travel the globe' in search of new and precious jewels. Move over Tomb Raider right?

But as riveting as all of this sounds, what's really interesting is that Paris seems to have finally found the ideal platform to present her brand - after all, mobile phone games are notorious for being mindless, irritating and poorly rendered. Much like the monotone, finger-nosed thought-vacuum herself.

Still, credit where credit's due - the girl knows how to self-promote. She's currently touting a new documentary called Paris, Not France where she aims to recast herself as the brain behind the brand. Claiming that 'Paris Hilton' is just a ditzy character she created, the 'real' Paris is apparently not a slut or an airhead.

So Paris and her mother Kathy found it particularly hard seeing Hilton Jr's most notorious moment referenced in the film. Speaking at a red carpet screening in LA, Kathy told reporters "It's very tough...I can't believe they kept that part in there. I thought they kept that part out. It's going to be very hard for us to watch." This is obviously a woman who never had to sit through a season of The Simple Life.

A lesson in points missed

With the best will in the world, I have to question what Mia Farrow thinks she can accomplish with her latest project. Having given birth to the Devil, and been partner to several legends, she's now a humanitarian activist with a big heart and a shocking perm. Incensed by the global indifference to the crisis in Darfur, she's opted to do something to shake us from our apathy. She's going on hunger strike - usually the reserve of dissidents and terror suspects.

Mia has decided that the world will care more about the displacement of 2.5 million people if she stops eating. Despite the fact that she looks like she's a couple of weeks away from her last decent meal anyway. In fact, it's not so much a hunger strike as a sponsored starvation, just without the sponsors.

I can't fault her commitment or passion. But I do question the logic of her action, since the only people likely to care about this are the lazy showbiz journalists looking for an easy story. Possibly the worst offender is Us Magazine, which manages to spectacularly miss the point, time and time again.

Covering Mia's valiant effort, the magazine's website starts off well, by articulating her agenda and the preparation she undertook. But within a couple of paragraphs you can clearly see their attention wandering, as they start to find ways of connecting this article to other (more conventional) stories in their archive. First, Mia mentions Darfur, so Us interrupts the story to link to a travelogue of places in the world that Angelina Jolie has visited.

Mia talks about the damage her body might suffer from her endeavour, so they link to 'other stars who underwent shocking weight transformations'. Best of all, when mentioning George Clooney's support for Mia, they can't help but link to pictures of gorgeous George before he was famous. All in all, it gives the feeling of Newsnight presented by a Heat reader with attention defecit disorder.

I think it's wonderful that celebrities occasionally use their privileged position to raise awareness and engage the public. Unfortunately, the only people who tend to care what they're doing can be just as easily distracted by a picture of a kitten dangling from a window sill. So keep at it Mia, just don't be surprised if people flick past your article to read about Paris Hilton's next parking ticket.