Let's get serious

Whether you love him or loathe him (trust me, there's no middle ground) Justin Bieber is currently the world's most famous teenager, leaving one-time golden girl Miley Cyrus to sit back and wait for the inevitable Celebrity Rehab booking.

His songs may have all the depth of single-ply toilet paper, but he seems to have captured the zeitgeist for a generation of twitterific tweens. And the outpouring of vengeful fury over his recent Grammy snub in the 'best new artist' category, shows just how seriously his fans take his R&B-lite output.

So they'll be keen to snap up the new issue of Rolling Stone, which features an exclusive interview with 'super boy', and addresses a number of hot topics that don't usually come up in chats with celebrities who still have milk teeth. Ever wondered what Justin thinks of abortion or socialised healthcare? Your prayers are about to be answered.

For the record, the Canadian is not a fan of private medical insurance, commenting: "My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home." Hardly surprising that he's aware of the issues, given that it's not so long ago that he was released from the maternity ward.

However, Justin's wholesome Christian upbringing means that he's much less supportive of a woman's right to choose, arguing "I really don’t believe in abortion, It’s like killing a baby?” And let's be honest, no-one would advocate killing off their target audience.

OK, I'm being facetious. Most sixteen year olds would struggle to form any kind of political ideology, so the kid gets points for being even loosely aware of the global political landscape, even if it amounts to little more than “But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”

Call it the Lady Gaga Effect. She's shown that you can be a commercially savvy purveyor of disposable pop music, and still be politically active. What other explanation is there for the fact that self-awareness vacuums Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian recently took to twitter to proclaim their support for the oppressed people of Egypt?

Commentators were quick to express surprise that Kim and Lindsay had any awareness of Egypt, beyond listening to The Bangles greatest hits. After all, it's doubtful that Mubarak’s downfall was covered extensively in People magazine. What next - Paris Hilton leading a campaign against female circumcision in Northeast Africa?

It's easy to criticise these woefully underinformed celebrities for expressing their wafer-thin political perspectives. But there's a risk that we end up sounding like Laura Ingraham, the venomous right wing commentator who wrote a book called 'Shut Up And Sing' following the Dixie Chicks' criticism of George W Bush. Everyone has a right to their opinion, and by sharing it, they might even inspire their fans to read something other than Perez Hilton.

The more disturbing issue here though, is the criticism that Bieber's comments have already received - suggesting that he should wait until he's a little more worldly-wise before wading into a debate about nationalised healthcare.

Problem is, he didn't. He didn't volunteer the information, or bring up the subject during an off-the-record conversation. He was asked outright for his opinion by a Rolling Stone journalist. Even more unpleasant is the way his comments have been taken out of context.

Weirdly, the Huffington Post, usually a reliably balanced news source, leads its coverage of Biebergate with the headline: Justin Bieber On Health Care: U.S. System 'Evil'. In fact, Justin's "evil" comment seems to be in direct response to the interviewer attempting to draw out the teenager's opinion on the most divisive social issues in America today. He was probably expecting a few more questions about working with Usher and getting his homework done on time.

Maybe Bieber is too young to be expressing his opinions, and should wait until he's experienced a little more of the wider world. But interviewers also have a responsibility to remember that fact, before asking politically-loaded questions to which there are no right or wrong answers - just different points of view. 

The countdown continues

In case you missed yesterday's post, we're taking a look back at the events, people and tell-all-autobiographies that helped to shape 2010. If you don't like year-end reviews, check back here on New Year's Day for some fresh content. Otherwise, pretend you're like Guy Pearce, and join me in creating some new short term memories of the last 12 months.

March saw the arrival of a new kind of puritanism, as Florida offered tax breaks for family-friendly movies, Clearplay launched their automated film-censoring software, and a gay couple was controversially turned away from a British B&B by its Christian owners. Even a supposedly risqué photoshoot featuring a young Samantha Cameron turned out to be about as sexually incendiary as an Amish bonnet.

A different kind of traditionalism also made its presence felt/groped in Hollywood, as the producers of Pirates of the Caribbean announced that they only wanted to see actresses with all-natural treasures. At the same time, two gay teens made the headlines by being banned from their high school proms because of their proclivities.

Thankfully though, it wasn't all coyness and propriety in March, some people were still willing to spice up our lives with their bedroom antics. Fashion's most famous cadaver Karl Lagerfeld told the press he was proud to pay for rent boys, Donna Simpson told us all about fast food porn (people pay to watch her choke down 20 McNuggets), and even Darren Day was arrested due to his offensive weapon. Lonely gamers also discovered that they could rent a girl by the hour to accompany them in cyberspace while they played on their X-Boxes.

March also saw the arrival of Ke$ha, smeared in glitter gel and the remains of last night's burritos. It was clear from the start that she was out to steal Lady Gaga's crown, but our queen was too busy to take notice, as she proudly unveiled the Tarantino-influenced video to Telephone.

The differences between men and women were made more explicit for many, as adland delivered the world's first realistic commercial about periods, and Tyler Bowling showed the world his pearly penile papules (before regretting it and attempting to sue the TV network). Things were less clear in Brangelina's house, as it emerged that their daughter Shiloh has been displaying the signs of 'gender non-conformity'. But March was definitely the month for masculinity, as Tomasz Schafernaker revealed his warm front in Attitude magazine and one alpha male published his uber-butch vegan cookbook.

After the tedious traditionalism of March, April was refreshingly uninhibited. Christina Aguilera foreshadowed her recent X-Factor appearance by telling us that she was more sexual than ever, Ricky Martin revealed to the world what it had known for years about his vida loca, and even Archie and the gang got a new gay pal to hang out with at the beach. Sadly, the tolerance in Riverdale wasn't felt elsewhere in the States. David Archuleta got into a bit of a panic about being spotted in a gay bar and the right wingers compared homosexuality to having an amputee fetish.

People's hopes were temporarily raised when it was announced that Courtney Love was dead, until it turned out that Courtney herself had created the story to tell the world that she was 'killing off' that aspect of her life. In a similar vein, Britney tried to turn over a new leaf, by releasing unretouched pictures of herself from a recent magazine shoot, and Lindsay Lohan attempted to remind the world that she was more than a twenty-four year-old trainwreck, by taking on the role of Linda Lovelace in a biopic of the Deep Throat star.

It was a case of 'do as I say, not as I do' for two women who came to prominence in the 1980s. Madonna revealed that she struggles with her daughter Lourdes over her age-inappropriate wardrobe, despite the fact that she seemed to spend most of her early career dressed in scrunchies and lacy underwear. Mandy Smith also crawled out of the woodwork to lament the loss of innocence in today's youth, neatly sidestepping the fact that, as a teenager, she'd hooked up with a man old enough to be her chemistry teacher.

Controversy was everywhere in April, from the BBC irritating Doctor Who fans by running Graham Norton trailers over their favourite show, to Gisele and Tom Brady revealing plans for a 20,000 sq ft house that threatened to put half of California in the shade. However, public enemy number one was comedian Frankie Boyle, who shocked audiences with a string of jokes about people with Down's syndrome. At least he seems to have learned his lesson, and now studiously avoids offensive remarks.

While James Nguyen's astoundingly craptacular 'Birdemic' hit the big screen, Michael Bay was making plans to bring his explosive brand of bullshit to the small screen. And another popular TV show found itself courting a different kind of drama, as Nicollette Sheridan attempted to sue Desperate Housewives producer Marc Cherry for slapping her on-set. Interestingly, her claims were only marginally less believable than the usual plotlines on Wisteria Lane.

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Compton Street?

We all know that Twitter is de rigeur for any celebrity wishing to air their dirty laundry in public. Courtney Love famously begged her daughter for a reconciliation in a rambling series of 140-character missives. Lindsay Lohan documented the end of her adventures in Lesbeteria on the micro-blogging site. And Tila Tequila - well, the less said about that train wreck the better.

So it was interesting to see the blogosphere all abuzz this week with the news that a household name has taken to Twitter to announce their status as an out gay man. If you thought the news about Ricky Martin was the entertainment industry's least surprising revelation, this one will have you wondering why it was ever considered a secret in the first place.

Over the weekend, Bert, one of Sesame Street's long-term residents made the announcement we've all been waiting for, in characteristically oblique fashion:

Given that he and his perennial 'roommate' Ernie have been sharing a bedroom for over forty years, the clues were always there. Whereas Ernie is the playful, mischievous one, Bert has always been more conservative and reserved - which makes it all the more shocking that he would be the first of the two to announce that he's a 'mo. Perhaps he's a member of the muppet branch of the log-cabin republicans.

Likewise, whilst Ernie spends most of his time in the bathroom (playing with his rubber duckie - euphemism alert!), Bert is so unconcerned with personal grooming that he's allowed his monobrow to have full run of his forehead.

The makers of Sesame Street have always denied claims that the fuzzy fellas were more than just good friends, pointing out that Bert even serenaded his 'girlfriend' with a song. The fact that it was called "I want to hold your ear" simply confirms that Bert has been dealing with intimacy issues for some time.

Despite their denials, the Children's Television Workshop should be applauded for their commitment to progressive representations of modern life on the show. After all, Cookie Monster has struggled with substance abuse for years, and Big Bird experienced gender disclocation decades before Chaz Bono went under the knife.

Pick 'n' Mix Part One

OK, I'm going to try something different. We're now up to 400+ posts and the blog seems to be ticking along nicely, but I think it's time to change things up a little. So rather than one long post, today's update will be a collection of bits and pieces. If you like it (or not), don't be shy...

First round's in me

First up is my favourite new bar concept, based on the human digestive system. Based in Vienna's Museum Quarter, the eye-catching drinking hole's key feature is a giant puckered anus. If you've ever wandered into a nightspot and thought "Well, this a shithole" you've obviously never downed a bottle of Schnapps in Austria. It looks perfectly comfortable inside, but I don't imagine the bar snacks are up to much.


History repeating itself, again

Paul Hardcastle, pioneer of electro-funk hip-Hop instrumental music, is hoping to storm the charts again with an updated version of his stuttery classic 19. The original version, which topped the charts for five weeks in 1985, was all about Vietnam and focused on the average age of US soldiers. His new version, 19: Boys To War, has been rewritten to reflect the current military situation in the Middle East.

Hardcastle says "There's a parallel between Vietnam and Afghanistan. I looked around and thought, 'This is basically happening again'. I wish I hadn't had to make this kind of record." Unlike some of the young men and women serving overseas, no-one's holding a gun to Hardcastle's head. He may feel that the Vietnam war is 'repeating itself' but that doesn't mean he has to.



Lindsay's gag reflex

She may have spent the last 12 months dabbling in lesbianism, abusing foot powder and struggling to remain upright, but Lindsay Lohan may finally heading back in front of the movie cameras, instead of the paparazzi. According to reports, she's being lined up to play Linda Lovelace in a new film called Inferno.

Lovelace's notoriety came from her starring role in Deep Throat, where she demonstrated the most flexible epiglottis the world has ever known. It's nice that Lindsay is finally looking for work again (standing behind a mixing desk or appearing at parties isn't exactly gainful employement), it's just a shame that this sounds like some serious miscasting. After all, unless Lovelace's story is drastically rewritten to showcase her skills for sticking things up her nostrils rather than down her neck, this is never going to work.

Overheard today

This year's big digital phenomenon has been the explosion of Twitter, which took the least useful bit of Facebook and built a whole social media platform around it. But as well as giving Lindsay Lohan a handy forum for ranting inarticulately at her ex, and allowing regular mortals to detail their every tedious move, the website has also unearthed a few gems. 

One of the best is 'Shit My Dad Says' - a Twitter account which has amassed over 700,000 followers and become the stuff of internet legend. It's the story of a 29 year-old guy who lives with his 73 year-old father, a man so profanely cantankerous that he may well be evidencing the early stages of dementia.

Given the venomous vitriol spouted by his father, Justin Halpern would be forgiven for looking into flights to Switzerland. But instead, Halpern captures his dad's comments and posts them on Twitter. Ordinarily, this soul-destroying commentary on the foibles of modern life would become unbearably oppressive, but presented in bite-sized pieces of 140 characters or less, they're slightly more tolerable.

Choice quotes from Halpern Senior include:
“You look just like Stephen Hawking…. Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better? Fine. Forget I said it.”
"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi"
"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."

Now it seems as though Hollywood wants in on the action. CBS has commissioned Justin to write the pilot for a new sitcom, based on his tweets, that will be produced by Will & Grace creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick. 

In the past, we've had movies and TV shows based on books, plays, songs, poems and even toys. But this will be the first to be inspired by a Twitter feed. Still, if a Twitter account can get a development deal, maybe there's hope for Lindsay's career after all. 

Flicking the Bean

No-one ever said being a teenager was easy. The acne, the growing pains, the awful self-indulgent poetry. And if you though your formative years were tough, think how much harder it must be doing it in the intense glare of public scrutinty.

It's no wonder that most celebrities end up raising children with all the appeal of a Jiffy-bag full of anthrax. Because for every well-balanced, smart and polite child like Lourdes Leon, there's a whole slew of Kellies, Pixies and Peaches. Loathsome, self-absorbed, talentless brats with an extraordinary sense of entitlement, and absolutely no discernible talent.

Let's face it, if you're born to famous parents, the chances of you growing into a gracious and appealing young person, are about as good as Bruce Forsyth ever retiring.

Helping to underline this point is Frances Bean Cobain, the large-faced offspring of one of rock music's most influential figures (sorry Courtney, I don't mean you). Although she started out by shunning the limelight, her suicide-themed 16th birthday party was a clear indication that she was keen to ruffle more feathers than Rod Hull's right arm.

This week she made good on that promise by writing an angry open letter on Twitter. Ironically, the target of Frances Bean's ire was another product of the celebrity breeding ground, Ali Lohan - little sister of Lindsay.

Ali's crime? Recording a Christmas song (and accompanying video) with all the high quality production values of those TV ads for Christmas voucher saving schemes. Even if YouTube is unable to show the video in certain territories for fear of breaching the Geneva Conventions, the anger that Frances shows is surely misplaced.

In a letter filled with typos, spelling mistakes and incomplete thoughts, Cobain Jr start out by stating "Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name." She has a point - nepotism is an ugly thing, and I hope she takes it up with the people at Rolling Stone who gave her an internship, despite writing skills that make Katie Price look like Angela Carter.

She continues, "it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss..." The good news here, is that even if she inherited none of her father's talent for music, she could at least earn a crust co-authoring lyrics with Tanita 'Twist In My Sobriety' Tikaram.

The sad thing is, Frances Bean clearly believes that she's a cut above all the desperate, second-generation wannabes that currently fill the supermarket tabloids. But unless she learns to turn a more compelling phrase, she can only ever hope to be known as 'the daughter of Courtney Love'. And that's a fate I wouldn't even wish on a Lohan.

The kids are alright

Despite politicians constantly claiming that the US and the UK enjoy a 'special relationship' the fact remains that we are two nations divided by more than just a common language. If any further proof was required, you need only look at the differing fortunes of our child stars.

Hollywood is littered with the careers (and in some cases bodies) of talented youngsters who went off the rails faster than Indiana Jones' mine cart. For every Jodie Foster or Christina Ricci, there's a dumpster full of Coreys, Tatums and Britneys, who fall prey to the dangers of 'too much too soon'.

Just last week, gossip sites were filled with the ugly details of Edward Furlong's slide into domestic violence and drug abuse. With floppy hair and a squeaking voice, his break-out role in Terminator 2 showed great promise, only to be squandered on a series of poor film choices and over a decade of drug dependency.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan continues her irreversible slide from Disney princess into crack-whore car-wreck. Pictured out last week, looking a good 20 years older than her actual age (23), the one-time actress has gone from opening films to opening nightclubs. According to reports, she's currently playing hard-to-get with the producers of Celebrity Big Brother.

Funnily enough, Camp Lohan has rejected the rumours, suggesting that Lindsay has much better offers on the table (probably cut into lines). A representative of the Freaky Friday star has been grumbling to the press about the producers' persistence, claiming "This is a tacky way to get cheap publicity." But then, I guess they'd be the experts in that.

So it's nice to see that, in comparison, there are some British child stars who seem to be navigating the path to adulthood with aplomb. In particular, the central trio of the Harry Potter series are aging particularly gracefully. Emma Watson scored all A's in her A-levels, and is currently adjusting to life on campus as an undergraduate at Brown University in Rhode Island.

Daniel Radcliffe took a break from Harry Potter for a stint in the West End, in horse mutilation opus Equus, where he managed to give a critically lauded performance whilst airing his Nimbus 2000. He's also been confidently baiting the press with his open-minded views, proclaiming himself a Liberal Democrat voter, an atheist, and a friend to the gays.

But it turns out that Rupert Grint is no slouch either in the brains department. Despite serving little purpose in the movies, besides blurting out PG-rated swears and pulling a faces like he's constantly enduring a colonoscopy, the wide-eyed wunderkind has funneled his Gringotts gold into a property portfolio that's already worth £9.2 million, outshadowing both Radcliffe and Watson's own investments.

In the end, it's not the nationality that counts, it's the parents that make the difference. Unfortunately, bad parents can happen to good kids, and when the kids happen to be talented, it can make things even worse. Here's hoping that the success of the Potter kids gives the next generation of junior talent a glimmer of hope, rather than a flash of crotch.

Living the dream?

"What happened to the dreams of a girl president
She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent
They travel in packs of two or three
With their itsy bitsy doggies and their teeny-weeny tees..."
Stupid Girl, by P!nk

Call it the Paris Effect. Apparently, tired of seeing pictures of Britney, Lindsay, Paris et al falling out of limousines and their dresses, the public is turning its back on the 'stupid girls' who clog up the pages of celebrity magazines. Instead, we're facing a new dawn of good, old-fashioned etiquette.

According to an article by Reuters journalist Michelle Nichols, the combination of public bad behaviour and a tough economy are encouraging women to improve their morals and manners, in the process giving them a better chance in their chosen careers.

The proof of this dramatic shift in conduct is summed up in a new lifestyle book called "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World." Written by 24-year old Jordan Christy from Nashville, Tennessee, the book has rather archaic-sounding chapters like 'Keep Your Chin Up and Your Skirt Down', 'Dress to Impress' and 'Let Him Come Calling'. Christy maintains that "there are a lot of people out there who want to see a return to our feminine values" and so she's waging a war on those with an absence of morals, class and functioning underwear.

Given the popularity of shows such as VH1's "Charm School" and Britain's "Ladette to Lady," this latest development shouldn't really come as any surprise. Although I suspect that audiences choose to watch these shows because they relish the element of culture clash, rather than because they secretly dream of walking with half a bookcase balancing on their heads.

So what does this mean in an era of tit-tape and Brazilian waxes? The world of celebrity is full of young women who think finishing school is where you go to learn how to end a massage. And there are still millions who devour their every misdeed and misadventure.

We may aspire to their wealth and lifestyle, but deep down we have the self-respect to conduct ourselves with a little more deportment. We see their nude photos, sex videos and nightclub rampages, and feel a little better about ourselves. The self-respect that Christy is concerned with, is actually hardwired into most ordinary people. People who'd actually know if one of their breasts was hanging out the side of their dress in a crowded room. Rather than wishing we were them, I think deep down, we're rather glad that we're not.

Nice work, if you can get it

Carrot-topped, fair-weather lesbian and one-time actress Lindsay Lohan has found herself a lucrative alternative career, simply by turning up to things.

Back in May she arrived in London, hot on the comfortable heels of her ex-galpal Samantha Ronson, and desperate for a reconciliation. For most mere mortals this might involve a heart-felt note, the occasional phone call or maybe even a relaxed lunch date.

Li-Lo had other ideas though, and decided that she needed to find a way of turning up at the places where Sam was likely to be. Keen to fly under the radar, Lindsay contacted the nightclubs where Sam was heading and negotiated high-profile paid appearances. That way she could turn up at a club, surprise her wayward ex with a cheeky mojito, and pocket a few grand simply for waving on a carpet.

It must have worked, because Lindsay seems to have made 'attendance' her primary revenue source. This week Lindsay celebrated her 23rd birthday early, with an all day party in Las Vegas that she hosted at the MGM Grand Resort Hotel & Casino. During the course of the day, Lindsay showcased five different outfits and danced to a Michael Jackson playlist. Nothing too unusual there, except for the fact that she was paid $70,000 for hosting the bash. I suppose the money must have helped cushion the blow that none of her actual friends bothered to show up. Maybe they all needed paying too.

The good news for Lindsay, other than the fact that she's managed to render herself utterly inconsequential and still be paid for the privilege, is that she's third time lucky. She'd originally planned to hold her 21st birthday at the Pure nightclub in Las Vegas, but that was put on hold when she was carted off to rehab. The following year, obviously stressed out by her busy calendar, she turned to a PR company to find corporate sponsorship for her party, but to no avail.

So hurrah for Lindsay, who's shown the world that chronic dependency issues, a fluid sexuality and the work ethic of a four-toed sloth can still bring in the big bucks. And let's also spare a thought for the nightclubs that have so little to distinguish themselves that booking the one-time star of Herbie:Fully Loaded seems like a good idea to raise their profile. As Tears for Fears once sang, it's a Mad World.

I believe the children are our future

We've seen a lot of talented kids in the press recently, especially in the fallout following the Britain's Got Talent semi-finals. Indeed, the controversy was so great that a public consultation has been announced to look at proposals for new safeguards to protect young performers.

The cause of all this fuss was a little girl called Hollie Steel who forgot her lines and had to be given a second chance to do her creepy 'old person in the body of a Victorian doll' act. Having won tons of praise for her initial audition (she could give Sophie Ellis-Bextor lessons in how to sing the word 'dance' and sound posh) the pressure was on for her to prove herself a worthy contender to the mighty Boyler. Unfortunately, she flubbed her lines and burst into tears instead.

Despite the fact that no-one else was given a second chance, Hollie was invited back later in the show to try again. This time, she got her mojo working and nailed the song, prompting Simon to call her 'the bravest little girl in the world'. I guess Anne Frank is SO last century.

More upsettingly, since the semi-finals rumours have begun to emerge, from audience members present on the night, hinting at some decidely brattish behaviour and some over-bearing parental influence. Of course, in the world of child performers neither of these things should really come as any surprise. The world is full of overbearing failures living vicariously through whatever glimmer of talent their progeny are able to demonstrate. Last year, it was all about American Idol runner-up David Archuleta (himself a one-time pre-pubescent talent show contestant) whose father caused so much turmoil that he had to be banned from the studio.

There will always be talented children with a hunger to perform. But not all of them will be blessed with the support network to accomplish their dreams and grow into likeable, well adjusted young adults. Unfortunately, for every Jodie Foster there are a hundred Lindsay Lohans. I'm reminded of this seeing the young stars of Billy Elliot win a joint Tony award for Best Male Actor in a Musical.

The role of Billy Elliot demands almost daily training in dialect, drama, singing, ballet and tap, on top of a regular education. It takes tens of thousands of hours of practice to tackle a role like this, for kids who are only just entering their teens. So when people start questioning whether kids need special protection in talent shows, my response is 'absolutely not'. If they really want this, and they've got the right kind of family support behind them, they'll breeze through it on passion and talent. If not, better that they fall at the first hurdle rather than live a life of unfulfilled dreams.

If this all feels a little one-sided, I can at least say that I speak from experience, since my friend Kevin's son is currently playing Billy Elliot in the West End. So here's a shameless plug for the fantastically talented Fox Jackson-Keen, performing 'Electricity' on Comic Relief: Let's Dance. Enjoy: