Chuck you

The world of celebrity is often criticised for being left-of-centre when it comes to politics. It doesn't matter whether it's Sean Penn cosying up to Fidel Castro, Kathy Griffin taking a pop at Sarah Palin or Green Day calling out Bush Jr as the quintessential American Idiot - there's no shortage of liberals amongst the glitterati.

And yet, there are small pockets of conservatism, swimming desperately against the constant tide of liberalism. Those bold icons, willing to stand up for traditional values and stick a spike in the wheels of progress. Weirdly, there are two very specific genres where these curious creatures seem to thrive - country music and 80s action movies.

Planet Hollywood wasn't the only depressing endeavour that Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger had in common - they're also staunch Republicans. But maybe that's because the films they made during their mullety heydays represented an approach to international diplomacy best described as 'guns and puns'. Why engage in heated debate when you can rip out someone's spine and beat them to death with soggy end?

But it's not just the A-list action heroes who found that carrying all that heavy artillery made them lean to the right. Chuck Norris, everyone's favourite ginger assassin, is also extremely vocal about his old-fashioned ways.

He's even uses a pen from time to time, and not just to jab into the eye of an unscrupulous Yakuza boss. He can often be found writing columns for World Net Daily, where he gives a roundhouse kick to the throats of pinkos, commies and bleeding hearts everywhere.

In his latest diatribe, the chop-socky champion of common sense implores his readers to fight progressivism in public schools, arguing that they're a hotbed of social tolerance and environmental awareness. Rather than a well-worn pair of nunchuks, his weapons of choice are a series of rhetorical questions, as he asks "What happens when the political and public educational pendulum swings from concern for the tyranny of sectarianism in Jefferson’s day to secularism in ours? What happens when U.S. public schools become progressive indoctrination camps?" I never realised that fingerpainting was an underhanded way of getting kids to embrace abortion and experiment with their sexuality.

It's clear that Chuck is concerned about the future of America, and wants to go back to simpler times. When problems could be solved by setting fire to a pick-up truck, or breaking someone's fibula with a barstool. He doesn't want to open children's minds, just a can of whup-ass on anyone who thinks progress means moving forward.

Chuck you!

Actor, martial-artist and professional beard-wearer Chuck Norris has spent recent years getting increasingly involved in politics. And it should come as no surprise that, much like his action movie counterparts, he leans heavily towards the right.

Last week, Chuck's regular column on Creators.com focused on the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act. For the uninitiated, this is a proposed federal bill designed to expand the 1969 hate-crime law to include crimes motivated by a victim's actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability. It's known as the Matthew Shepard Act, in honour of the young gay man who was picked up in a bar by two straight men, driven to the middle of nowhere, savagely beaten and left tied to a gate. He died several days later in hospital from his severe head injuries.

But Chuck doesn't like this law. He believes that it's squeezing out Americans' constitutional right to freedom of speech. Despite aknowledging that the purpose of the bill is to target crimes of brutality (something he's made a career out of), he fears that local judges could choose to expand it to cover a wider field of offences. All pure conjecture of course, but the real issue here is that Chuck fears that he won't be able to hate people freely. Because that's what America is all about. He even invokes the name of Carrie Prejean (yes her, again) and talks about how the poor thing was victimised for "respectfully giving her personal opinions." No mention, of course, of the fact that Miss Prejean has been actively campaigning to take away gay people's rights to marry.

Ironically, Chuck also uses this platform to condemn the fact that jokes were made at the expense of poor defenceless Rush Limbaugh (a man who once described 13-year old Chelsea Clinton as the 'White House dog') at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner.

Maybe he's taken a few too many blows to the skull, but here's where Chuck's point-of-view really comes unstuck. He's arguing against a bill that would protect people from aggressive acts motivated by hate, at the same time as condemning those who make jokes about someone who, by their very nature as an outspoken pundit, is fair game.

A few years ago, there was a flurry of jokes about Chuck, such as "Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is" and "Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door." At the heart of all of this humour though, is a sense that Chuck decides the way he wants the world, and uses brute force to make it happen, irrespective of logic or physics. And that's what's happening here, except that it's not funny at all.