Euro trash

Holiday romances are great, but since customs are different from country to country, how do you ensure that your sun-drenched dalliance is more Shirley Valentine than Midnight Express?

You could always consult the soon-to-be-published The Single Girl’s Guide to Meeting European Men, by Vanderbilt graduate Katherine Chloe Cahoon. Described by its author as "a unique hybrid of travel/European history and culture combined with dating/relationship [advice]... full of true stories with a chick lit feel and valuable information", it actually sounds like the funniest book since the last Onion anthology.

Katherine likes to maintain that she's in on the joke, but that doesn't excuse her unwittingly hilarious self-help videos that have been popping up on YouTube to plug her forthcoming bestseller. The problem is, Katherine is the least compelling presenter since Amanda DeCadenet attempted to host The Word.

Stiffer than all the Euro-peen she claims to have bagged over the years, Katherine stages a series of increasingly awkward interviews with a variety of hot men, who all seem to be expecting Ashton Kutcher to leap out of the bushes and announce that they've just been Punk'd. Since she's talking about passion and attraction, it's a shame that she musters up about as much chemistry as a homeopathic placebo.

After all, how could a woman with fiber-glass hair and range of headbands that she could have stolen from Marcia Brady, possibly represent the ne plus ultra of cosmopolitan man-eaters? Katherine can't even stand unaided, instead choosing to grab the nearest objet d'art to steady her.

She may well have been fucked from the Baltics to the Peloponnese, but her awkward handling of the world's most phallic microphone suggests she's all stilted talk and no action. There's something off about her speech too, like she's chewing on a mouthful of Rohypnol. Although that might give a clue as to the source of her mystifying success with all those European men.

Then again, just watch how she flicks her hair and dances to attract the opposite sex - the only thing anyone would be likely to erect is a safety barrier. Similarly, she asks one smartly dressed hottie how he would spot men from "your country" (Geographical detail not being one of her strong points). 

He replies "Most men from my country have beautiful blue eyes..." I hate to break it to her, but if her gaydar doesn't even work, what hope does she have of ever snagging an eligible euro-bachelor?

Here's a tip - if you really want to meet European men. Save yourself the price of Katherine's ridiculous book and put it towards the cost of the flight. Simples.