Sympathy for the devil

It's a little depressing when our favourite trouble-makers lose the ability to shock. Once the the rowdy, anarchic yang to the Beatles clean-cut yin, the Rolling Stones have, over the years, grown into rock music's elder statesmen. These days, the only thing remotely upsetting thing about them is when one of them forgets to put on a shirt.

The rock 'n' roll ethos might be 'live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse', but that doesn't hold any sway with the Stones. At this rate they'd even survive a nuclear holocaust, along with the cockroaches and Twinkies.

But after half a century of strutting angrily around a stage, it seems as though Sir Mick Jagger might finally be losing his edge. Speaking to Absolute Radio this week, he found himself reminiscing about the good old days (presumably when the Earth was just a single land-mass).

In a surprising interview, Mick admitted that the group had written some of their biggest hits while 'under the influence of drugs'. I know, shocking isn't it? It's hard to know what to believe after a revelation like that. Next you'll be telling me that Jodie Marsh isn't good dating material.

"That was a period of time when everyone took loads of drugs, it was very fashionable, but I mean, we did a lot of hard work as well, so it was a bit of a party atmosphere, loads of visitors, you know, there was a lot of drugs floating around."

Whilst I'm sure that the world of music journalism is rocking on its heels at this news, it's probably worth remembering that it's almost forty three years to the day that Mick and Keith were first arrested on drugs charges. Or that Keith went on to become a heroin addict. Or that Mick has regularly spoken out about his past dalliances with illegal pharmaceuticals.

The worst thing about ageing rock stars is that they start to repeat themselves. First it's a lyric or two, then a guitar riff or melodic hook.

But when they start telling the world things that everyone's known for forty-odd years, it's time to start thinking about hanging up the skinny t-shirt and trading it in for a nice aran-knit cardigan. There's no shame in getting old - only in pretending you're not.

Doing the Wright thing

Shocking news - someone you've never heard of is a lesbian.

When it was first announced that People Magazine would be running a front cover outing story this week, speculation ran through the internet like an undercooked chicken fajita. Were we finally about to find out the truth about Tom Cruise's 25-year mission impossible?

No, I guess not. Instead, it turned out the closet opening celeb is a country singer called Chely Wright. The world greeted this Earth-shattering revelation with a collective 'meh' and went back about its business.

The two most common responses were 'Who?' and 'How convenient, coming out the same week as your new album and autobiography'. Gosh, we're a cynical bunch.

Chely Wright was, for a while at least, flavour of the month in Nashville. Her fourth album 'Single White Female' (maybe time to add another adjective there) was a big hit, shifting 500,000 copies back in 2000. Subsequent albums failed to live up to that early promise and she parted ways with her label MCA Nashville in 2003.

The following year she independently released a song about the armed forces called 'Bumper of my SUV', inspired by a real-life incident when a passerby gave her a mouthful of abuse for having a 'US Marines' sticker on her car. Although the song wasn't anywhere near her best work, it became a sizeable hit thanks to its politically-charged message.

Those same right-wingers who rushed to support Chely back in 2004 may well find themselves somewhat conflicted by this new twist in her tale. After all, announcing you're gay in Nashville is a little like turning up to a Bar Mitzvah with a tray of Scotch eggs.

Snippets of the People magazine story feature Chely saying she had no intention of being the first country music star to come out of the closet, nothing in her life "has been more magical" than the moment she decided to reveal her sexuality. Of course, many people rushed to name k.d. lang as the first true cowgirl-on-girl pioneer. But k.d. was never really a mainstream country artist - hell, she even shunned capitalisation.

Gossip fans may scoff at what they see as a lazy attempt to drum up some publicity for Chely's forthcoming CD and book. But it's rather naive to assume that the singer's traditional fan-base will be motivated to snap up her latest CD on the grounds that she's striking a blow for gay visibility.

It'll be interesting to see what impact Chely's interview will have on her standing in the industry. When one-time Nashville darlings the Dixie Chicks spoke out against George Bush, they received death threats from the hardcore country fans, but saw their music embraced by the mainstream instead. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that Chely experiences a similar upswing.

Mommie dearest

It's the ultimate test for any British recording artist - cracking the American market. Many of our biggest stars have crashed and burned trying to appeal to those notoriously fickle US audiences. Even the otherwise unbeatable Robbie Williams couldn't make it happen, eventually returning to the UK with Jonathan Wilkes' tail between his legs.

Leona Lewis, on the other hand, made it look easy. Although it helped that she had a fantastic single and the backing of Oprah Winfrey to kick-start her career in the land of the free. The jury's currently out as to whether or not Alexandra Burke has what it takes to follow in Leona's sandy footprints. But as she puts the finishing touches to the US version of her debut album, she can at least take comfort in the fact that her family will keep her feet on the ground.

Alexandra's mum Melissa Bell knows all about the fickle finger of fame, having spent time as the lead singer in Soul II Soul. And she seems dead set on making sure that her daughter remembers that fact. In an attempt to plug her forthcoming autobiography 'Heart and Soul' (form an orderly queue please), she's been speaking to The Mirror about her relationship with her pop-star progeny.

It's just a shame that she seems to be taking the tough love approach to parenting: "To be honest, I'm a better singer than she is. But she is thinner than me - maybe too thin. I was 18st in my heyday. But it's all about image these days, more than talent."

Perhaps Melissa wouldn't be so critical if Alexandra had been a little more generous with her winnings - "She's rich but we're poor. She hasn't given me a penny and I'm too proud to ask. But considering her win was a team effort, I certainly deserve some." Interestingly, she may be too proud to ask for money, but she has no shame when it comes to slagging off her daughter or trying to take the credit for her accomplishments.

Melissa even has some ironic words of wisdom for her daughter on how to deal with other people, "I've told her always to be nice to people on the way up because you'll see them again on the way down. I still give Alex advice. She's lucky to have a mum like me."

I'm sure Sue Katona tells Kerry the exact same thing.

They work hard for the money

Historically, the porn industry has always been keen to try new things, and I don't just mean docking or DVDA. Streaming content, direct downloads, even 3D movies, have all benefited from those industrious pornographers willing to explore new technology before it hits the mainstream.

Strangely though, there's one aspect of digital technology where the porn industry is lagging behind, and that's in protecting its assets. According to various reports, the proliferation of piracy is really hurting the porn producers' bottom line - which is kind of ironic given how many bottoms they've hurt over the decades.

The Adult Entertainment Trade Association believes that sales are down by about 30 percent, and so they've commandeered some of the industry's brightest/dirtiest stars to encourage fans to pay for their porn. Rather than downloading dodgy copies, they want viewers to put some cash in their wank banks.

The advent of online porn 'tube' sites and file sharing networks has caused revenue to drop faster than a pair of crotchless panties. And that means that sideline businesses, such as make-up artists, set-designers and fluffers, are feeling the squeeze too.

The AETA has shot a new film using a host of big industry names (mostly made-up ones, unless people really do call their kids Sinnamon Love) to encourage viewers to do the right thing. You know, before they start doing the wrong thing.

You may be able to take the girl out of porn, but it seems that it's much more difficult to take the porn out of the girl. The dialogue is littered with innuendo and double meaning, as the performers talk about "making a living selling something", "making it harder for performers" and "activity that could be potentially criminal".

One starlet even remembers to sensuously remove her glasses and shake out her hair, although thankfully the video cuts away before her top gets unbuttoned. And despite the fact that the video has been posted to YouTube, the final performer reminds viewers that "We made it just for you." Of course they did.

As Julie Meadows points out - "We pay taxes and contribute to local economies." She's right. Without the unstinting support and investment of the pornographers, the baby oil, leather harness and plumbing supplies industries would be in a very different position. Reverse cowgirl perhaps?

This is for shooting, this is for fun

One of the big political issues currently facing Barack Obama is the repeal of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. The legal equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and looking the other way, DADT was introduced by Bill Clinton as a way of circumventing the restriction on gays and lesbians serving in the US military.

Although the policy forbids the military from investigating the sexuality of anyone in its ranks, it also bars anyone openly gay, lesbian or bisexual from serving. LGBT military personnel are expected to keep their lifestyle a secret, or face a dishonourable discharge - a punishment which has seen thousands of highly decorated soldiers kicked out, despite their otherwise exemplary records.

Obama seems keen to overturn DADT, but it's yet another divisive issue where the Christian Right is willing to exert its considerable influence. Part of the problem is the fact that there's still a great deal of intolerance within the military, with only 26% of personnel in favour of gays and lesbians serving, compared with 37% opposing the idea.

Despite regularly-voiced concerns that group morale may be negatively impacted by having openly gay people in the unit, there seems to be no empirical data to support these claims. A study by the American Psychological Association found that "when lesbians, gay men and bisexuals are allowed to serve openly there is no evidence of disruption or loss of mission effectiveness."

However, I believe their is evidence that closeted gays can cause extensive disruption. The video below was recorded by a group of US soldiers stationed at a military base in southwest Afghanistan, and graphically illustrates the impact that closeted behaviour can have on group cohesion and operational focus.



The all-male cast from the 82nd Airborne Division have clearly spent hours carefully practicing their elaborate reconstruction of Lady Gaga's video for Telephone. Already one of the most imitated videos of all time, despite only being about three months old, the nine-minute epic inspired Aaron Melcher, a married 24-year-old soldier, to choreograph his tribute to Jonas Åkerlund's masterpiece.

The big question here, is where does a soldier, stationed in Afganistan, find a glittery 'Drama Queen' sash?

Laying down the Laws

I'd like to introduce you to my new hero, Lord Justice Laws. Despite looking like Elton John (albeit with a slightly more convincing wig), the man speaks common sense, and has no problem ruffling the Daily Mail's feathers.

In the High Court today, he ruled against Gary McFarlane, who was appealing the decision of an earlier tribunal which had dismissed his claims of religious discrimination. McFarlane had been sacked for refusing to work with same-sex couples in his capacity as a therapist.

Whilst he had no problem helping straight couples overcome their issues with sexual intimacy, he drew the line at encouraging gays to light the scented candles and practice their sensual touching. Because that went against his religious beliefs.

Lord Justice Law threw out McFarlane's case, stating that "We do not live in a society where all the people share uniform religious beliefs. The precepts of any one religion - any belief system - cannot, by force of their religious origins, sound any louder in the general law than the precepts of any other... The individual conscience is free to accept such dictated law, but the State, if its people are to be free, has the burdensome duty of thinking for itself."

Sadly, logic and organised religion are all-too-often mutually exclusive. Which is probably why former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey, weighed in on the debate, appealing for "a specially constituted panel of judges with a 'proven sensitivity and understanding of religious issues' to hear the case."

Carey feels that recent court decisions involving Christians had used "dangerous" reasoning, which might lead to civil unrest, arguing “The description of religious faith in relation to sexual ethics as ‘discriminatory’ is crude and illuminates a lack of sensitivity to religious belief.”

The problem is, McFarlane worked as a sexual therapist. Applying a highly subjective Biblically-inspired 'code of ethics' to this kind of a role is an attempt to legitimise intolerance.

So we should all be thankful that Laws put the needs of society above the personal preferences of any special interest groups. He said "In a free constitution such as ours there is an important distinction to be drawn between the law's protection of the right to hold and express a belief and the law's protection of that belief's substance or content."

Science has yet to isolate the cause of homosexuality - even confocal microscopy isn't sophisticated enough to identify the leather-clad gay gene. But it's generally agreed that same-sex attraction is biologically ingrained, rather than the result of one too many mojitos. Religious belief, on the other hand, is most definitely a lifestyle choice.

McCready, willing and able

It's not easy being a celebrity. There's the constant pressure to look your best, a hungry fanbase demanding access to every aspect of your life, and unscrupulous paparazzi always on the lookout for unflattering shots.

These days, you can't even film a couple of hours of homemade filth without it falling into the hands of a ruthless video producer who wants to make a buck out of your pornographic professionalism.

It's a lesson that's been learned the hard way by Mindy McCready. Originally billed as 'Country Spice' when she burst onto the music scene back in 1996, Mindy chalked up an impressive run of hit singles on the Billboard country chart, until a series of troublesome relationships and an addiction to 'hillbilly heroin' managed to derail her career.

Now she's battling to prevent the release of an amateur porn film involving her and an ex-boyfriend identified only as 'Peter'. Mindy claimed that she couldn't even be sure that it was her in the video, even though she spends much of its running time discussing her famous exes, baseball player Roger Clemens, actor Dean Cain and country singer Alan Jackson.

Speaking to the press, Mindy said “It has nothing to do with me. I had nothing to do with this tape. And whoever releases it is going to get sued.” I'm not sure what the protocol is for suing yourself, but you can bet that Mindy's legal team are working on it.

Because it turns out that the distribution company releasing the video is also in possession of a notarised consent form signed by "Malinda G. McCready". That's Mindy's real name, by the way.

If the idea of seeing a washed-up country star "eating dinner, relaxing and having sex" sounds like a fun time, you're not alone. Vivid Video boss Steven Hirsch was just as excited by the prospect of this latest celebrity scoop: "It was a very appealing package to us because not only is the footage exciting with very hot sex, all of the paperwork was in order." Mmmm, paperwork.

The idea of Mindy instigating the release of her own sex video is depressing enough. But when the 'as seen on TV' flash on the DVD cover reads "Now on Celebrity Rehab Season 3", you know you've really hit rock bottom.

Then again, needs must. And as Mindy once sang, 'A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do'.

He's no friend of Dorothy

As the other-worldly hero of the longest running science fiction show of all time, Doctor Who has faced his fair share of unbelievable nemeses. Over the years he's done regular battle with the Daleks, who manage to pose a threat to humanity despite looking like giant cruet, as well as fighting all manner of weird and wonderful beasts.

But even gastropods, sentient trees and blue gaseous life-forms are nothing compared with the time-traveller's latest foe - a little gyrating gay Irishman.

Last week's episode featured the long-awaited return of Alex Kingston's character River Song, but the show's exciting climax was tarnished with the appearance of a pop-up trailer for Graham Norton's latest West-End casting-call talent show 'Over The Rainbow'.

Viewers still trying to get used to new Doctor Matt Smith were treated to the sight of a cartoon caricature of the Irish comic wiggling his hips all over Matt's face. There are some things that even a sonic screwdriver can't fix.

Doctor Who might depict other-worldy invasions on a weekly basis, but this was clearly a step too far. Fans were suitably apoplectic about the interruption to their favourite show, with Matthew Graham, who also happens to be the executive producer of Ashes to Ashes, tweeting his disgust at the intrusion: "Please BBC - you're not a US network, you're so much better than they are. Don't cheapen yourself. The public know what's up next."

The Daily Telegraph later reported that the BBC received 5,583 complaints about the trailer, and apologised for its unfortunate timing: "The Over The Rainbow trail in Doctor Who should not have been played out on Saturday and we apologise to all Doctor Who fans whose enjoyment of the show was disrupted."

With attention spans diminishing, and audiences needing recaps and teasers every few minutes, it's hardly surprising that the BBC has started creating mini-trailers for upcoming shows. It's just unfortunate that they opted to interrupt a show with a notoriously loyal fanbase.

Most Saturday evening shows are so stultifyingly unwatchable that audiences wouldn't even notice if Graham Norton crawled out of their screen, like the lank-haired ghost in Ringu, and slapped them around the face. And even that would be preferable to sitting through 'Over The Rainbow'.

Small two-bedroom starter

Naomi Campbell must be thanking her lucky stars for Gisele Bündchen. Just days after she mistakenly let her guard slip during an interview , along comes Gisele to redirect the bad buzz away from the Streatham stunner.

Naomi's contretemps with a reporter from ABC occurred when the brave (some might say suicidal) journalist decided to question her about her taste in jewellery. Ignoring the fact that Naomi's fiery temperament would put most Greek gods to shame, the intrepid inquisitor asked Naomi whether the allegations were true that she had received a blood diamond from former Liberian leader Charles Taylor.

Naomi rocked her best 'bitch face' and stormed off, slapping the camera on her way out. Perhaps she thought she'd recognised an old assistant. Hopefully, the TV crew had been smart enough to hide their iPhones before the interview began.

Still, once again Naomi's bad-girl antics have been gobbling up the column inches. So heaven be praised for her old mate Gisele, who has selflessly (and unwittingly) given the press a great new supermodel slip-up story to focus on.

The Brazilian beauty and her husband, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, have announced plans to build their new family home in Brentwood, California. The problem is, at 20,000 square feet, it's going to make Heathrow's Terminal 5 look like a potting shed.

As well as a covered bridge, six-car garage, butler's quarters, wine bar and lagoon pool, the vast property also features an elevator, despite the fact that it's only two stories tall. And that she's tall enough to crawl through an upstairs window without a ladder.

OK, it's their money and they can spend it how they like. And maybe they need a little extra space now that little baby Benjamin is growing up fast.

Unfortunately though, it's not the best example to be setting when you're a United Nations environmental ambassador. Critics are concerned about the amount of materials needed to develop, build and maintain such a gargantuan property, with one architect arguing "A 20,000 square-foot house - the resources that it takes to put it together and the land that it needs, this just can't happen anymore."

Gisele and Tom aren't the first golden couple to build a house that can be seen from space, and they certainly won't be the last. It's just a shame that Gisele didn't take her ambassadorial responsibilities more seriously. It looks like the easiest gig in the world - turn up, smile for photos, look ravishing in a slogan-covered T-shirt and offer a few choice soundbites about deforestation. The hard work comes in living the values that you're supposed to be endorsing.

With climate change possibly the most contentious issue in American politics today, this is precisely the kind of hypocrisy that Republicans will use to smear the entire environmental movement. And all for the sake of a kitchen that's an hour ahead of the bedroom.

Feathering his nest

In amongst all the multi-million dollar blockbusters lining up to fill your local multiplex is an all-action thriller made on a rather more modest budget. And yet, whilst the other movies jostle for attention in another crowded summer schedule, this little film has already notched up quite a cult following, not to mention some unbelievable reviews.

Originally intended for the Sundance Film Festival, James Nguyen's opus was rejected by the festival's selection committee, so the industrious auteur decided to screen the film independently. The film fans who stumbled upon 'Birdemic: Shock and Terror' couldn't quite believe their luck.

Inspired by Hitchcock's apocalyptic adaptation of Daphne de Maurier's The Birds, Birdemic portrays a horrifying attack on a small town by a platoon of eagles and vultures, leaving the townspeople with no choice but to fight back.

Movie studios have always been happy to quote film critics out of context, turning non-committal reviews into glowing recommendations, simply by virtue of the bits they leave out. So Nguyen should have no trouble creating some truly spectacular posters featuring quotes like "it's like nothing you've ever experienced. Words completely failed me by the film's end." Now who wouldn't want to see a movie with the power to make that kind of an impression?

Unfortunately, the quote continues "I was sure of only one thing - I had just had the funniest, most awesomely bad experience of my entire life." Maybe not quite what Nguyen had intended.

Not that you'd know from his reaction. Speaking to the New York Times about the surprise success of his avian shocker, he said “A few people... were laughing at my movie. But I think the majority who were there really laughed with it. That’s the risk that I take in making a movie, to be judged, to be reviewed — the good, the bad and the ugly."

I'm not sure if there's anything inherently 'good' about Nguyen's film, but bad and ugly seem quite plentiful. The actors could take lessons from porn stars on convincing line readings, and the CGI eagles wouldn't look out of place menacing Horace as he goes skiing. The birds don't so much attack people, as hover threateningly in front of them, before inexplicably exploding.

According to the Times article, Nguyen spent $10,000 and seven months (weekends mostly) bringing his singular vision to the screen. And although audiences are hyperventilating at his staggeringly inept handiwork, Nguyen may have the last laugh. His dream was to make a film that would find an audience, and he's certainly achieved that.

Considered by many to be the worst director of all-time, Ed Wood died penniless and forgotten, several years before his films were rediscovered and celebrated on the midnight movie circuit. With many people marking him out as Wood's logical successor, Nguyen is fortunate enough to be around to actually enjoy his fame and notoriety.

He's found a medium that allows him to express himself. And the great thing is, his work is engaging people and eliciting an emotional response. Ultimately, isn't that what all artists crave?