Shot through the heart, and you're to blame...

Next time you have a bad day in the office, remember that at least your job doesn't involve being shot at by a disgruntled, coked-up barrister. There must be less stressful ways to earn a living.

Back in May, Mark Saunders "descended into a drunken hell of binge drinking and cocaine abuse" before loading a gun and taking pot-shots at his neighbours houses. Scotland Yard were promptly engaged and a five-hour stand-off ensued, before seven trained marksmen shot him down in a blaze of glory. It's a dirty job but someone had to do it.

Following the inquest, none of the marksmen faced charges since they were, after all, just doing their deeply distressing job. But now a new inquiry is underway, since it emerged that one of the shooters, known only as Alpha Zulu 8 (AZ8), may not have taken the original investigation seriously enough. In the eyes of the law, this was no laughing matter.

It turns out that AZ8 was disciplined over his verbal testimony, because it's believed that he may have quoted a number of pop songs in his statement. Sure, it might seem a little insensitive, but who hasn't slipped a few song lyrics into their conversation every now and then? I've done it before, and I'll do it again.

The problem is, it's a tough allegation to prove. Even the Daily Mail freely admits that no-one knows exactly which songs were quoted. Although it has managed to piece together some dubious evidence based on the fact that the Alan Freeman of assassins did use the phrases 'first time' (by Robin Beck), 'enough is enough' (Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand) and 'point of no return' (Duran Duran).

I'm not sure it's sufficient grounds to support the idea that he was callously tainting his testimony - it actually sounds more like the shooter was coming out of the closet.

If nothing else, this new investigation seems like an inordinate waste of resources. After all, it's only words. Song lyrics are littered with cliches, as are the speech patterns of most law enforcement professionals. I think we can chalk this one up to unfortunate coincidence. Stranger things have happened.

Sticks and stones

Ron Howard ought to send Henry Winkler a gift basket of muffins to say 'thanks'. Because all those years he spent living over the Cunningham's garage must have helped some of the Fonz's effortless 'cool' to rub off on his carrot-topped protege.

Where else would the mild-mannered director have found the internal fortitude to take on the Catholic church when he decided to adapt Dan Brown's turgid potboilers? But when it comes to formidable enemies, the Pope and his pals are a bunch of pussycats.

Ron's newest nemesis is the gay rights organisation GLAAD, and it's going to take more than the artful turn of a leather collar and a couple of finger snaps to cool their jets. They're furious that the trailer for Ron's new movie The Dilemma features Vince Vaughn character declaring "Electric cars are gay. I mean, not 'homosexual' gay but 'my parents are chaperoning the dance gay.'"

The controversy erupted almost instantly, prompting Universal to quickly re-edit the trailer to remove the offending remark. However, in light of the gay bullying that's dominated the news in recent weeks, many felt this was too little, too late, especially since the line will be staying in the film.

Defending the line, Vaughn commented "Comedy and joking about our differences breaks tension and brings us together. Drawing dividing lines over what we can and cannot joke about does exactly that; it divides us. Most importantly, where does it stop."

GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios told The Hollywood Reporter "Unfortunately, by leaving it in the movie, they are now contributing to the problem. The conversations started as a result of the community's response to this slur will help schools, media and parents understand the impact of the word 'gay' being used as a pejorative."

The problem with this debate is that the gay community doesn't own the 'G' word. In fact, we re-appropriated it and changed its meaning to suit our needs. So it's a little disingenuous to complain about the fact that its meaning has evolved yet again. Language is not an immutable entity, it twists and changes to reflect the society that uses it. Innit.

If we want a fairer, more equitable world, we have to support people's freedom to use words we're not always comfortable with. As Howard quite rightly stated, "I defend the right for some people to express offense at a joke as strongly as I do the right for that joke to be in a film. But if storytellers, comedians, actors and artists are strong armed into making creative changes, it will endanger comedy as both entertainment and provoker of thought."

To be fair, the joke itself even makes explicit the fact that Vaughn isn't referring to homosexuality. If 'gay' is going to be used as a pejorative, let's just find a new word to define us instead. We could even get recent Apprentice casualty Melissa Cohen to invent one for us. 

Euro trash

Holiday romances are great, but since customs are different from country to country, how do you ensure that your sun-drenched dalliance is more Shirley Valentine than Midnight Express?

You could always consult the soon-to-be-published The Single Girl’s Guide to Meeting European Men, by Vanderbilt graduate Katherine Chloe Cahoon. Described by its author as "a unique hybrid of travel/European history and culture combined with dating/relationship [advice]... full of true stories with a chick lit feel and valuable information", it actually sounds like the funniest book since the last Onion anthology.

Katherine likes to maintain that she's in on the joke, but that doesn't excuse her unwittingly hilarious self-help videos that have been popping up on YouTube to plug her forthcoming bestseller. The problem is, Katherine is the least compelling presenter since Amanda DeCadenet attempted to host The Word.

Stiffer than all the Euro-peen she claims to have bagged over the years, Katherine stages a series of increasingly awkward interviews with a variety of hot men, who all seem to be expecting Ashton Kutcher to leap out of the bushes and announce that they've just been Punk'd. Since she's talking about passion and attraction, it's a shame that she musters up about as much chemistry as a homeopathic placebo.

After all, how could a woman with fiber-glass hair and range of headbands that she could have stolen from Marcia Brady, possibly represent the ne plus ultra of cosmopolitan man-eaters? Katherine can't even stand unaided, instead choosing to grab the nearest objet d'art to steady her.

She may well have been fucked from the Baltics to the Peloponnese, but her awkward handling of the world's most phallic microphone suggests she's all stilted talk and no action. There's something off about her speech too, like she's chewing on a mouthful of Rohypnol. Although that might give a clue as to the source of her mystifying success with all those European men.

Then again, just watch how she flicks her hair and dances to attract the opposite sex - the only thing anyone would be likely to erect is a safety barrier. Similarly, she asks one smartly dressed hottie how he would spot men from "your country" (Geographical detail not being one of her strong points). 

He replies "Most men from my country have beautiful blue eyes..." I hate to break it to her, but if her gaydar doesn't even work, what hope does she have of ever snagging an eligible euro-bachelor?

Here's a tip - if you really want to meet European men. Save yourself the price of Katherine's ridiculous book and put it towards the cost of the flight. Simples. 

Make your mark with the perfect gift

With only 57 shopping days until Christmas, I'm sure you're already worrying about what to buy for that special someone. Jewellery is always a great option, but how to be sure that you'll pick out something that speaks to the true intensity, passion and intimacy of your relationship?

Rings can be too formal, and besides, it's hard to surprise someone with a ring unless you happen to know their exact size. Bracelets are fine, but can sometimes seem a little juvenile - like something you made out of beads for your thirteen year-old BFF.

How about a necklace? Delicate, feminine and versatile enough to go with any outfit. Something personal and unique, that shows just how much you're willing to splash out on the lady in your life.

Artist Leah Piepgras has the perfect solution, charmingly entitled 'pearl necklace'. Weirdly though, this isn't even a euphemism - her delightful design is described as "a seemingly amorphous cast silver shape on a chain that is an accurate representation of semen".

Because nothing says 'classy lady' like a decolletage covered in synthetic spangle. Of course, this isn't just a tawdry gimmick, "it is a visual marker of chaos turned perfection through an act of beauty and lust." And it makes you look like you didn't even bother to wash after the last time your coitus was interruptused.

In the interests of accuracy, there are two distinct designs available, one presumably representing the benefits of improved motility. Or at least a half-decent aim.

If you have $420 to spare, you might want to blow your wad on one of these precious pieces. According to Leah's website, each item is handmade, although I'd prefer not to think about how.

Watch the skies

The hateful bigots behind the 'National Organisation for Marriage' could be forgiven for congratulating themselves for their prescience last week, as it looked as though their dark predictions were finally coming true.

In case you haven't been following the news, NOM is a right wing movement dedicated to spreading hate, fear and intolerance. Somehow, they've convinced themselves that gay marriage is the biggest threat to modern life since the mushroom cloud of nuclear war.

According to their skewed logic, two men pledging their love for one another, threatened to undermine the integrity of marriage and render the entire concept obsolete. Although strangely, no such campaign was mounted against infidelity or divorce.

Inspired by the apocalyptic imagery of the Cold War, they ran a national ad campaign last year to highlight the threat to society posed by gay couples choosing to have their relationships publicly recognised in a ceremony of commitment. The ad depicted a bunch of concerned citizens (played by some of the least convincing actors outside of the home shopping network) glancing nervously at the gathering storm-clouds.

It all seemed so preposterously melodramatic, as though a thunderstorm of gay was about to shower the nation. Nonsense right?

Maybe not, at least according to last week's weather forecast for Texas. The meterologists at San Angelo, Texas' KLST station warned of a giant pink wang looming over the region, threatening to put the 'cum' in cumulonimbus and deposit a motherload of God-knows-what on the innocent people of the Lonestar state.

It's unclear whether or not the gigantic cock ever materialised, but I hope that anyone caught in the eventual downpour used the appropriate protection. Otherwise we can look forward to widespread reports of an mass outbreak of pink-eye.

Hard to Miss

When Pretty Woman was released in 1990, not everyone was taken in by its post-modern take on the Cinderella story. Arguing that the film couldn't have been more fantastical if Julia Roberts had faced off against a flaming Balrog, critics accused movie producers of portraying the world's oldest profession in an irresponsibly positive light.

They had a point. Vivian may have been treated to a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive, but for most streetwalkers, real life is decidedly less romanticised. And it's fraught with danger.

As well as STDs, dubious clients and unscrupulous pimps, prostitutes have a whole bunch of other risks to contend with. Thongs can cause terrible chaffing, stilettos lead to all manner of calf and ankle complaints, and then there's the hairspray asphyxiation. As careers go, it's more fraught with peril than mining in Chile.

Over in Spain, another occupational hazard has been identified for those hard-working ladies of the night - rural traffic. Apparently, hookers plying their trade outside of the Lleida city limits are hard to spot and have been told to don the appropriate safety apparel.

The women have a simple choice (no, not in-the-front or round-the-back) - wear a high-visibility yellow vest or face a €40 fine. Local police claim that they're not unfairly targeting the girls, but the policy was necessary because they actually pose a danger to drivers.  If nothing else, it's going to make curb-crawling a hell of a lot easier. 

Still, you have to feel for the women who are now expected to ensnare sexually frustrated yokels whilst wrapped in nylon outerwear seldom seen outside of a building site. Any man who finds the luminous yellow vest sexually appealing probably isn't looking for a comely young lass to spend the evening with. 

Then again, what do I know? The Telegraph reports that a recent survey found that one in four men has paid for sex, so in theory the women could dress themselves in binbags and still not see a dip in trade. And if they decided to add a few bedazzlements to pretty up their work-wear, they'd be even easier to spot on a moonlit country road. Everybody wins. 

Tough to swallow

Attempting to lose weight in the US must be almost impossible. After all, it's the home of the all-you-can-eat buffet, where competitive eating is considered a viable Olympic sport, and where a 'side order' is so-called because it's the size of a home extension.

Everything's bigger in the States - the portions, the plates, even the disabled bathrooms (which are large enough to execute a three-point turn in a stretch limo without hitting the stalls). It's hardly surprising that there's widespread concern about the childhood obesity epidemic, especially when you see things like the 'world's largest gummy worm' being advertised.

Looking more like something you'd find coiled on the shelf of a Victoria's Secret, the jumbo gelatin treat is a gargantuan python of corn-syrupy goodness. It even boasts a 'ribbed body and a five-inch girth'. Sold yet?

To be fair, it's only available on the Vat19.com website, which offers all manner of 'curiously awesome products', but surely it's only a matter of time before the sugary serpent becomes a mainstay of the pick 'n' mix counter.

There's something deeply disturbing about watching someone trying to deep-throat a gargantuan coil of multi-coloured sweetness. Especially since it closely resembles the scene in Poltergeist 2 where Craig T Nelson disgorges a grotesque vomit monster after unwittingly swallowing the demonic grub in his bottle of tequila.

If the gummy worm doesn't test your gag reflex, viewing the promotional video might. Just try not to wince as the poor actor attempts to chew his way through a rubbery rope of pure calories that took a whole herd of cattle hooves to create.

Remember in Ghostbusters, when Gozer told our heroes to choose their fate? Well, the gummy worm works a little like that. Do you want to die from a sudden intake of 4,000 calories, or the inevitable onset of type 2 diabetes? Perhaps you're more traditional, and just like the idea of a plain old choking hazard.

OK, I admit it. It's revolting, grotesque and offensive. Which is why I'll be spending my money on the world's largest gummi bear instead. It's just as potentially life-threatening, but so much cuter.

I spy, with my augmented eye

For some people, plain old reality just isn't enough. Like the pre-pneumatic chest of a million starlets, we demand augmentation and enhancement.

In an age of 'anything's possible' computer programming, we now have the technology to wrap the entire world in a shimmering layer of 3D gloss. Suddenly, we have the opportunity to see the world as our smartphones see it – liberally splattered with geotags, virtual signposts and downloadable content. Oh happy days.

Finding your nearest fast-food outlet or tube station is one thing, but now the technology (coupled with widespread GPS availability) is taking a somewhat sinister turn. BeenVerified, which proudly declares itself as "America's #1 Background Check", has developed a new app (available on iPhone and Android platforms) which enables you to 'find sex offenders in your neighbourhood'. Maybe sex offenders make better cappuccinos than Starbucks?

In an inappropriately jaunty tone, the company's website says "Sex offenders in the neighborhood? Find out instantly with our easy to use sex offender map on every report!" If someone wants to wander round a children's playground looking through their smartphone's viewfinder on the hunt for virtual nonces, it's probably a good idea that the app be 'easy to use' – anything too complicated would only confuse them.

According to a news article on mashable.com, the $1.99 app "combines publicly available data from the sex offender registry with geolocation and augmented reality to make that data more useful and accessible to consumers."

The standard street-view displays your immediate vicinity, overlaid with pins and red dots, which then reveal "detailed information about [local] offenders, including their names, addresses, photos (if available) and the offenses they were convicted for." Presumably the inevitable update will also offer directions to the nearest Home Depot so that would-be vigilantes can stock up on flaming torches and pitchforks.

Reading stories like this can sometimes make for a rather bewildering experience – it all seems so plausible, and yet ridiculous at the same time. After all, no-one wants to be caught out believing a bulletin from The Onion. But BeenVerified has partnered with the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) and even pledged five percent of its proceeds to the charity.

But I wonder how much they'll offer to all the people who get mistakenly lynched by dim-witted justice-seekers the first time the app suffers from a glitch. Remember, we live in a world where Daily Star readers firebombed a paediatricians office because they couldn't spell. 

Bully for you

Being a newspaper columnist must be a piece of piss. Flick through the papers every day, find a few snippets of news to comment on, and then email 800 words off to the editor on a Friday afternoon. Other than that, just stick a bulldog clip on the back of your head every couple of years and pose for a new headshot.

Which explains why Amanda Platell always looks so smug. Every week she gets to round up a few people she doesn't like (it must take her five days just to draw up a short-list) make a few ad hominem attacks, and then laugh all the way to the bank. Not that I imagine hers is a life with much laughter in it.

In today's edition of the Mail on Sunday, the Wicked Witch of West London takes potshots at Wayne Rooney, Cheryl Cole, Paul Gascoigne, Katy Perry, Russell Brand, Kate Moss, Evan Davies, Nick Clegg, Gordon Brown, Charlotte Church and even Ann Widdecombe. It's not so much an editorial as just throwing a handful of darts at a rolodex.

I wouldn't mind so much if the writing showed any kind of incisive insight. Unfortunately, what we get are gems like "Cheryl Cole proudly poses beside her Madame Tussauds’ dummy and says: ‘It’s mind-blowing, it looks so real.' I’m not so sure. One of them’s got lifeless hair extensions, painted-on tan, improbably pert breasts, acrylic nails and an expressionless forehead.
And the other one’s a waxwork." Someone give the woman Noel Coward's dressing gown - she's earned it.

Maybe it's just yesterday's post weighing on my mind, but I can't help feeling that Amanda is just another malicious bully, although with a slightly bigger vocabulary than the average wedgie-giver. As a die-hard conservative, she longs for simpler, more gentile times when people were nice to one another. But she has to admit that she fully embraces all the ugliness and cruelty of what she dismissively labels 'Planet Celebrity'.

Here's hoping that someone takes pity on Cheryl, Wayne et al, and records an uplifting YouTube video for them. Hang in there guys and don't worry - It gets better.

It gets better

There's a growing controversy in the States this week, as it emerged that retail giant Walmart is stocking a book by Mormon author Janice Barrett, called 'Chased By An Elephant'. Although it sounds like a book celebrating the illegal ivory trade, it's actually designed to make gay kids hate themselves a little bit more, as if they needed the help.

Subtitled 'The Gospel Truth About Today’s Stampeding Sexuality' (hence the somewhat tenuous elephant reference), the book aims to keep kids on the straight and narrow. With the emphasis on the 'straight'.

According to the foreword, "The number of our young people involved in sexual sins has greatly increased in recent years. Some of the most stalwart-seeming youth find themselves involved in pornography, fornication, promiscuity, homosexuality, and the like... This harmful exposure is evident in the lives of many young people through a variety of psychological problems including anxiety, depression, gender confusion, addictions, and even suicidality." 

Graham apparently knows what she's talking about, since she even roped her own son Graham in to write an introduction to Mommie Dearest's book. Tearing himself away from alternating bouts of furious masturbation and violent sobbing, the 'cured' homosexual claims that his faith enabled him to turn away from the “deceitful and predatory nature of the ‘gay’ lifestyle.” Which is silly, because everyone knows that you should never turn your back on a 'predatory homosexual' - that exactly what they want you to do. 

Although he may be trapped in a false existence that denies his very nature, but at least his mother's vehement abhorrence of the 'gay lifestyle' hasn't yet tipped him over the edge into what she (and the FDA) have termed 'suicidality'. 

Sadly, countless other young men and women aren't quite so lucky. The last few months have seen a disturbing wave of teenage suicides, brought about by an epidemic of homophobic bullying. Tyler Clementi, Zach Harrington, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase, Billy Lucas and Cody J. Barker have all made the news in the States recently, by taking their own lives - leaving their despairing families wondering what they could have done to improve matters before it was too late. 

Dan Savage, the sharp-tongued but warm-hearted columnist, decided enough was enough and launched a YouTube campaign called 'It Gets Better'. Although it's only been running for a month, countless celebrities, gay and straight, have added their voices to the project - imploring kids to think twice before doing anything rash. Particularly powerful are the videos uploaded by successful gays and lesbian public figures, who are living proof that acceptance, tolerance and happiness are just around the corner. 

This week, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama added their voices to the mix, in eloquent, thoughtful and sensitively handled pieces. However, given the US government's reticence to act on Don't Ask, Don't Tell and marriage equality, campaigners are concerned that these two prominent politicians are sending out mixed messages - 'It might get better, but don't expect any help from us'.

The real issue is the fact that these videos focus on how to overcome bullying, rather than addressing the source of the bullying. As long as religious bodies continue to fight equality, and argue that homophobia and hate-speech are their God-given rights, then kids will continue to take their own lives.

When Obama tells young people that there are "people out there who care about you and love you just the way you are" he forgets that, in many cases, the parents he has in mind are the worst bullies of all. Parents like Janice Barrett. And sure, kids could go to their teachers if they're being bullied, as long as they don't expect the teacher to be able to show any kind of familiarity or empathy with the situation. After all, Seth Stambaugh in Oregon was fired for explaining to a student that he was gay and therefore unable to marry.

Savage's campaign is a fantastic initiative, and has dovetailed nicely with similar campaigns such as the Trevor Project and GLAAD's Spirit Day on 20th October. Gay kids need to know that it really does get better. But in order for them to believe it, the rest of society has to do its bit in order to keep that promise.