Rubber sold

As anyone who works in the creative industry will tell you, inspiration can often strike when you least expect it. There's a reason why many advertising professionals sleep with a moleskine notebook on their bedside table - it enables them to instantly capture the outputs of their fevered dream-state, and it looks pretty cool.

Great ideas can't be hurried along, instead they tend to sneak up on you, like reality TV stars trying to gain access to the VIP area in a club. Take Beau Thompson, for instance, who found himself turning from architect to prophylactic entrepreneur courtesy of a late night trip to the end of his driveway.

Like many people before him, Thompson had always struggled with the process of applying a condom in the heat of the moment. Presumably, he missed the all-important sex-ed class where his fellow students were shown how to protect a banana from catching gonorrhoea. As a side note, placing a condom over your bananas can also prevent them from leaking ethylene and spoiling the other fruit in your bowl.

Poor Beau often found himself all fingers and thumbs when it came to safely sheathing his other pointy extremities. And after one particularly "rough night" decided that he needed to take matters into his own hands. It's a figure of speech, OK?

His Newtonion apple-drop epiphany came as he was taking out the trash: “I opened the Hefty Cinch Sak, grabbed the handles, and pulled them. In a day, I had figured out the best way to roll into a condom.” Now, users of the Sensis brand can simply take hold of the patented QuikStrip pull-tabs, and in a flash they'll be ready for their close-up.

The box even boasts that the condoms are "So easy to apply, you could do it blindfolded". Which must give kidnap victims no small amount of comfort.

The condoms have been commercially available for 12 months now, but Thompson is confident that they'll break through in 2011. Although not literally, since that would defeat the purpose.

The main obstacle to mass market penetration (oh, grow up), seems to be the less than erotic 'garbage' association. It probably doesn't help that desperate men have been known, on occasion, to appropriate trash bags for intimate moments when more conventional contraceptives have proved elusive.

Still, if he needs a marketing hook, he could do worse than a strapline that reads: "Stick your junk in a different kind of garbage bag." Like the product itself, it's not pretty, but it does the job.

Suck on this

They say that the safest form of sex is no sex at all. But that's no fun. So what's a horny, STD-fearing teen to do? Well, they could always take a tip from the US abstinence programmes that try to get around the thorny issue of adolescent libido by encouraging 'over the clothes' interactions.

That means drawing the line at heavy petting - you know, the stuff you're not allowed to do in the pool, like dive-bombing or running around the wet area. As long as the pants and sweaters stay on, it's all good.

But even heavy-petting has its consequences, as anyone who ever attempted to disguise their amorous extra-curricular activities with a turtle-neck or indoor scarf knows only too well. Ordinarily, the worst thing about a love bite, apart from the unpleasant sucking sensation, is the fact that you look like you're in the early stages of leprosy. According to the experts, there's a much bigger risk involved in letting your significant other get all Edward Cullen on your neck area.

A report in the New Zealand Medical Journal has revealed that a 44-year-old woman was left partially paralysed after suffering a stroke. When doctors investigated, they found that the love bite her partner had left on her neck had actually damaged a major artery. This, in turn, had created a blood clot which then travelled to her heart and caused the stroke.

Incidentally, her first clue was the fact that her left arm lost all feeling, which must have also have put an dampener on her boyfriend's ambitions. In the end, she was treated with an anti-coagulent called 'warfarin' (named after George W Bush, I assume) which cleared up the clot within a week. As a result, she probably won't suffer any future strokes, although with the feeling back in her arm, her boyfriend's probably looking forward to one.

Dr Teddy Wu, who treated the anonymous patient expressed some surprise at her dramatic condition, commenting "To my knowledge, it's the first time someone has been hospitalised by a 'hickey'." Had I been in the ER though, I think I'd be expressing my disbelief that a 44-year-old was sporting a love bite in the first place.

Oh, and the moral of the story - something to think about next time things get a little hot and heavy. If it sounds like he's chewing on a piece of ripe watermelon, you should probably ask him to cool his ardor. Or check that you've got a vial of holy water to hand.

The illusion of control

Great news everybody - the Pope has come to his senses and told the world to 'rubber up'. No longer will poverty-stricken people in the third world be condemned to the uncontrolled transmission of disease, or ever-growing broods of kids they're incapable of feeding. It's finally OK to snap on a prophylactic. Well, kind of. 

Everyone's favourite one-time Nazi has participated in the writing of a new book. And excerpts from the forthcoming bestseller have suggested that the Catholic Church is on the verge of softening its hardline stance of contraception. 

But it's probably be going to be some time before the Pope advocates widespread non-procreative fuckery. For the moment, the only people allowed to pick-up something for the weekend are rent-boys.

Responding to a question about the church's condemnation of safe sex practices, the Pontiff said: "In certain cases, where the intention is to reduce the risk of infection, it can nevertheless be a first step on the way to another, more humane sexuality." Admittedly, 'humane' and 'sexuality' aren't words one might automatically associate with the Pope, so perhaps things are changing for the better.

Asked about which 'certain cases' he had in mind, Benedict explained: "There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility." 

I'm sure street-corners around the world are crammed with young men in short-shorts currently gripping their rosaries in relief that they can finally take responsibility for their own sexual health. Unless of course it's a case of too little too late. By the time someone's embraced their homosexuality and decided to charge elderly priests for it, they're probably not holding out for Papal approval. 

As well as this remarkable u-turn on the issue of condoms, it's also nice to see what passes for authorship these days. After the CD, DVDs, tour souvenirs, and now an 'interview-based' book, it's clear that the Pope is out to rival Katie Price for multi-media ubiquity. Let's see if he turns out at our local Waterstones to promote Light of the World: The Pope, the Church and the Signs of the Times in a see-though body stocking and candy pink wig...